College Football Week 5: What We Learned

This weekend could’ve been an all-timer for ya boy. The Pats are back from the dead, I’m not sweating buckets whenever I go outside, and Sunday morning I nailed a 30ft birdie putt on 18 for force a tie in our family’s captain a crew golf outing. I got my first of many pumpkin spice coffees, say what you want that shit’s delicious. Everything was going my way, except for Saturday afternoon. Try to keep up if you want to know what went wrong.

-Rutgers Update: Rutgers football updates are our bread and butter here at IPGFFT, at this point I’m expecting my lifetime media credential to show up in the mail any day now. This week was actually pretty great by Scarlet Knight standards. No it wasn’t a bye week and therefore impossible for them to lose another game, I bet they’d find a way. America’s team stay home in New Jersey to take on Indiana and managed to lose in a non-blowout fashion. Rutgers entered the 4th quarter down 24-7 but managed to put together a 10-0 final frame to pull the game to within one possession but alas Saturday would not but the Knights day and the final score of 24-17 held true. Shout out to future New York Jets QB Artur Sitowski, seriously adding that missing ‘h’ would do wonders, had his best performance of the season going 18/35 for 154 a td and an int. His QBR of 34.8 was his best of the season. Consistency is key.

-Mormon Dreams Die: I’m honestly fascinated by how BYU has managed to construct a typically solid football program through the very narrow recruiting base of mormons and guys who are willing to abide by BYU’s downright absurd honor code. It doesn’t hurt that their “freshmen” are actually about 26 after going on their mission trip but finding other guys to fill out the roster is extremely impressive. BYU came into week 5 ranked 20th after getting a big road win at Wisconsin and this week they had another shot at knocking off a top tier opponent against Washington. Well God, Buddah, The Fly Spaghetti Monster or whatever the hell they believe in wasn’t on their side because the Huskies smoked them 35-7. The honor code explicitly bans homosexual behavior, will the team be allowed back on campus after getting fucked that hard by a bunch of other dudes? I’ll have to consult the gold tablets on that one.

-Joe Knew, Urban Knew, No One Knows Anything Anymore: Ohio State beat Penn State in a really close game, playoff implications, conference championships blah blah blah. What’s really important here is that we learned just how stupid the people running Ohio State’s PR really is. Earlier in the week they tossed out a poster hyping the game with only one word across the top of it, ‘Silence’. The athletics department said that it was meant to mean silence Penn States crowd and that they used the same message a few years ago. Here are my issues with this: 1. You already used this, be original goddamnit. 2. Literally no one in that office saw that and thought hey maybe not the best time for this one, let’s let the heat in the streets die down a little bit. If it’s that hard to come up with hype up material for a top-10 college football game float me a few bucks and I’ll come up with something for ya next time.

-Moral Victories Feel Good in the Same Way Getting Punched in the Dick is a Handjob: Syracuse had that win in the bag, I’m still upset about this days later and honestly depending on how the rest of this season plays out I may never quite recover from this. The Orange came into Clemson as a national buzz team that was clearly expected to get put in their place as indicated by the -24.5 Clemson line at kickoff. That was not how this dance played out at all. In the first half Syracuse was moving the ball and putting up points, albeit field goals rather than touchdowns. But even with Clemson at full strength Syracuse was going blow for blow with them in their house. Then Sunshine got sent back into 10th grade by a brutal, but clean, hit on a scramble that really had not shot of being anything positive. This was it, Syracuse had a 16-7 halftime lead and now Clemson was going to have to go to a guy that was always meant to be a career clipboard jockey to finish the game. This next 30 minutes of football was going to send Syracuse from frisky up-and-comer to where-did-they-come-from with an inside track to the ACC title game. The scars from my years as a season ticket holder during the Greg Robinson years would finally be healed in one glorious afternoon. But then Syracuse forgot that run defense is important and Travis Etienne curb stomped my hopes and dreams into oblivion. Really though 2 years ago Syracuse lost 54-0 at Clemson and now they’re here, looking at their schedule the rest of the way Notre Dame is the only team left that Syracuse would be a clear underdog against. Am I still sitting at my desk seething over every missed tackle, wide open running lane, dogshit man down field call? Yes, 1000% yes. If Syracuse is for real and closes out the year on a tear will this result haunt me as a what could’ve been? 10000% yes. On to the next one. Dino Babers to a struggling traditional power takes in 3…2…1….

I hate football, god I love it so much. Isn’t it the best?

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

NFL Week 3: Nothing Makes Sense Anymore

A moment of silence for our degenerate gamblers out there who put little Bobby’s college fund on some NFL games this week. I imagine seeing teams like the Bills, Giants, Browns, and Lions win and the Packers, Patriots, and Jaguars lose has to be the NFL gamblers equivalent to Black Wednesday in the stock market. On top of that the Seahawks might actually be not as bad as people expected, or the Cowboys stink, the Dolphins are 3-0 (10-1 in their last 11 games with Ryan Tannehill starting) and the Texans went from preseason hype machine to bottom dweller. I guess that’s why you play the games. We all spent our Sunday glued to the TV watching this unfold so we might as well talk about it.

-Open the Coolers: The impossible finally happened, the Cleveland Browns won a regular season football game. 635 days without tallying one in the win column and thanks to the dawning of the Baker Mayfield era and the ineptitude of the Jets it’s finally over. It couldn’t have been scripted much better for Mayfield’s first game. Despite being the first pick in the draft Baker will always have that underdog moniker attached to his name. No offers out of high school despite being a star, walks on at two different schools, ultimately becoming a shit-talkin-swag-walkin star all the way to a Hiesman. Through the draft process all you heard was attitude this and too small that, shout out Cowherd. Of course he gets tossed into his first meaningful snaps after an injury to Tyrod Taylor and leads a comeback to end the streak. Now if Baker keeps it rolling Jets fans will have flashbacks to 2001 when Mo Lewis inadvertently started the Brady era in New England. I will say I’m a little disappointed in the people of Cleveland, personally I was hoping for total Bud Light fueled chaos following the dramatic win similar to Philly after Budweiser offered to pick up the city’s bar tab following the Super Bowl. If Baker bring a Lombardi back to The Land I better see that river catch on fire again.

-Wagons = Circled: *Puts on zubaz sweat pants* YA KNOW THE BILLS MAKE ME WANT TO SHOUT! PUT MY HANDS UP AND SHOUT! COME ON SCREAM AND SHOUT! *takes off zubaz sweat pants* The Bills could not have been at more of a low point. Back to back blowout losses, players retiring at halftime, Bills mafia getting blackout drunk because they have too rather than want to. They walked into Minnesota as 16.5 point underdogs and somehow managed to lay an absolute beat down on the Vikings. A lot of this had to do with the Vikings not being able to hold onto the ball on their side of the field during the 1st half. Even a team that is seemingly as bad as Buffalo is going to capitalize when they start drives already in field goal range, hard to believe it but they are professional football players. Does this mean that they’ve turned it around already this season? Probably not but hey ho Buffalo is always more fun when there’s at least a glimmer of hope.

-Fitzys Back: MVP Fitzpatrick was a lot of fun while it lasted but for at least the first half of Monday’s game between Pittsburgh and Tampa Bay we saw some bit of familiarity in week 3. Three first half interceptions for Fitzmagic brought all of us riding that bandwagon back to the reality that he’s a serviceable backup who will occasionally destroy your teams chance of winning in the blink of an eye, see the week 17 game between the Bills and Jets from a few years ago. He still managed to put up 400+ yards and 3 touchdowns so instead of MVP Fitzy we can still hang on to gunslinger Fitzy which I’d much rather see than Jameis come back to be just okay enough to maybe stick with him because of potential. The Steelers won but are still a mess in the locker room but at least they’ve finally realized that their relationship with Bell isn’t salvageable and are now looking to trade him.

-Rodger Goodell Hates Clay Mathews: Remember when we all thought the helmate rule was going to end all competitive athletics as we know it? Turns out it’s the body weight rule is actually the new addition that is the football AIDS we all feared and Clay Mathews is Magic Johnson. It’s kinda like the NFL was squaring up for a fight with the fans and defensive players and while we were focusing on their hands they kicked us in the balls. That’s a bitch move Goodell and you know it. I don’t care what the NFL or it’s talking heads say, this is the Rodgers rule because of his glass collar bone. Stay woke, the Packers we’re really the ones who pushed for this and everyone else knew it’d be a shit show. The league saw an opportunity to create something relatively meaningless to distract everyone from the mountain of real issues (CTE, Kaep & Reid, Marvin Lewis still somehow being a head coach) and now they’re just fucking with the Packers by hitting them with one of these calls every week.

-Josh Rosens Coaches Hate Him: The Bears defense is really good. Maybe not ’85 good but Kahlil Mack could line up with them and still be an absolute star. He’s quickly starting to run away in the defensive player of the year race after adding 2 more sacks and another forced fumble to his unreal start to the season. All-Pro QBs are scared of that guy at any point in a game. Rookie QBs don’t stand a goddamn chance against him. Rookie QBs in an obvious passing situation with the game on the line shouldn’t even bother breaking the huddle. Rookie QBs taking their first snaps in an obvious passing situation with the game on the line with a bad team around them…you see where I’m going here. Josh Rosen was thrown into this game trailing 16-14 in the 4th quarter because, I can’t think of any reason why. Sure you can think “hey throw him in there and see what he can do, no pressure no diamonds.” But yikes this was an absolute no win situation for Rosen. That was like giving the scalpel to a new surgeon fresh out of Med school when the guy on the table is bleeding out and seconds away from flat lining. I’m not an NFL coach or a doctor but I may have preferred to give the rookie a simpler introduction to the big show.

-Wasn’t There Supposed to be a Sunday Night Game?: Shut up. Josh Gordon. In Bill we trust. I don’t want to talk about it.

We’re on to week 4.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

College Football Week 4: What We Learned

We’re back to football weather here in the Northeast and week 4 was probably the last one that was truly safe from an impromptu day at the apple orchard with the Mrs. Hand up, I actually love a nice fall day at an apple orchard, so long as it’s during Syracuse’s bye week or we get back in time for kick off. Hoodie weather, a crisp Red Delicious fresh from the tree, possibly a trip to the tasting room if you’re local establishment dabbles in ciders and hard liquor. Shout out Beak and Skiff and their apple vodka-mackintosh cider combo that tastes like apple pie and will put you on your ass and the top of any IG feed. Week 4 was for the boys though and we got a whole bushel of games to pick through (apple puns, I’m a goddamn beast).

-Your Weekly Rutgers Update: I never planned on IPGFFT to become the world wide leader in Rutgers Football coverage but here we are. I’m a man of the people and the people want to witness a train wreck without wasting their Saturday afternoons watching a D-3 caliber team get their brains beat in. 52-3 at Ohio State is expected, 55-14 at Kansas is embarrassing, 42-13 at home against Buffalo is downright sad. I hate to name names but to fully illustrate just how much of an exercise in futility the 2018-19 Rutgers season is I turn to their starting QB Artur (not a typo, it’s Artur and not Arthur) Sitkowski through 4 games is 39/80 passing for 329 yards 1 td and 7 interceptions. Football Jesus Tua Togoviola had 387 on 22 completions against Texas A&M while not playing in the 4th quarter. Again for the sake of the children, cancel Rutgers.

-Basketball Schools are the New Football Schools: Kentucky and Syracuse are a combined 8-0 on the season, the last time that happened was never. IPGFFT is a pretty bare bones operation so we don’t actually have a stats department to confirm this but it feels right. I said last week that I’m ready to sign in blood that Cuse is back and a 51-21 win over piss poor UConn obviously won’t change that one bit, I took Cuse -29.5, good teams win but great teams cover. Kentucky though is actually putting in work down in SEC country. A few weeks ago they beat Florida in the swamp and this week they laid a 28-7 beating on 14th ranked Mississippi State and is now going to creep up in the polls until Nov. 11th when they get smoked by Georgia. My only question is has Calipari’s bag man realized that serving a team with a 105 man roster a bit more lucrative than one with only 15? I’m not saying something’s up but people might be.

-Has Virginia vs UMBC Found its Equal: The worst performance of the week goes to those boys down in Blacksburg. Virginia Tech came into its home match up against Old Dominion ranked 13th in the nation, Old Dominion came in ranked 47th…in the FCS. Old Dominion was also 0-3 on the season, again they are and FCS team. Tech entered the 4th quarter with a 28-21 lead and then proceeded to get outscored 28-7 in the final frame. OD QB Blake LaRussa shredded Tech’s defense going for 495 yards and 4 tds and potentially kick started the first ever FCS Hiesman campaign? I’ll back that horse. This will probably draw memories of the App St Michigan game from 2007 but App St was actually coming off of back to back FCS national titles, Old Dominion came in ranked 47th in the FCS.

-Paywalls are Stupid: If you didn’t know that Army and Oklahoma played a fantastic game that ended with a Sooners win in overtime that’s okay, because the only people who saw it were the ones in the stadium. Not because there were better games being played on TV at the time, but because this game was a $55 pay per view. Hey NCAA, go fuck yourself $55. I’m defaulting the blaming the NCAA because they certainly had a hand in this and it’s a muscle reflex at this point to tell the National Communist Athletics Association to go fuck themselves. Seriously though, for $55 I could go down to BDubs and feast like a king while watching literally every single other game being played. The Superbowl isn’t even pay per view. Hey Oklahoma-Army, you’re not the Super Bowl, you’re not even Tiger v Phil. I’m not asking for much, I’m just asking you be better.

-Hey Nebraska, You Okay?: Last season Scott Frost kind of won a national title at UCF, depending on who you ask. Nebraska strolled on in and offered him a shit ton of money to revive their program back to the days of Tom Osborne, instead at least as of right now they’re getting Sharon Osborne. A home loss to Troy last week certainly was a swift kick in the corn cob for folks in Lincoln. The 56-10 thrashing they got against Michigan wasn’t necessarily unexpected but yikes that’s a good way to get people to hit the eject and pack it in, that’s a Rutgers score. Getting out gained 132 to 491 is not what you call championship caliber football, which Scott Frost is apparently familiar with.

The season’s starting to ripen up and early playoff bets are ready to be picked, just hope that your teams’ season doesn’t start to rot. Seriously, I’m a machine.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

How Would I Vontae?

Vontae Davis retiring at halftime of the Bills game against the Chargers has dominated my mind since Sunday afternoon. How can it not? The man pulled off a hall of fame resignation and somehow transformed himself from a solid but not memorable NFL vet into a sports trivia night legend that will never die.

So now I’m proposing that we officially add ‘vontae’ into the collective lexicon of cube crops everywhere. However, vonte can’t be left at just leaving leaving a job with no warning, that’s already known as an Irish Goodbye or what my dad did after they figured out I would always be a terrible baseball player. Maybe he just got taken into The Upside Down and is trying to barter for his freedom from the Demigorgon with a pack of Cloves. Is Stranger Things still a thing? I only watch one show a year just so I have something to talk about with people at bars.

No, a vontae has to be something of an even greater scope in order to properly honor this mailtime legend. So here is my formal submission to whoever is in charge of making words words (you’d think as a former librarian I might have a better idea at who is in charge of that).

Vontae – verb – To quit a job in a manor in which the story of how you do it leaves a story that will long outlast your coworkers at the time.

Get on it Merriam!

So obviously the next step in this blog is to ponder what some of the best ways I would vonte. Now for the sake of an equal playing field the sun was shinning bright on you one day and your Friday night ritual of picking up a Mega Millions ticket along with a six pack of your choosing finally paid off and your lucky numbers finally hit. Mr. Davis isn’t exactly diving into the unknown, he managed to rack up a $53 million in career earnings over the past 10 years.

I know a lot of people that might be fed up with their jobs might want to take this hall pass to lay into their boss or coworkers about pass transgressions but being a dick doesn’t earn you legendary status and if you get too caught up in the moment it might end with the cops getting called. No, kill them with kindness, blow their minds, leave them with a story they’ll be dying to tell everyone from the new intern, their buddies at the bar, and strangers on the internet because a relevant thread on Reddit stirred up that glorious memory. Neil Armstrong is the only person to be able to lay claim to the first man to step foot on the moon but everyone who saw that unfold will never forget it.

My first delusion of grandeur involves a fading celebrity sex tape star, some foam cannons, a Cinderella-esq horse drawn carriage, and the guy that played Lloyd in Entourage.

Anyone know what Paris Hilton is up to these days? Apparently she’s a celebrity DJ that goes around and performs(?) at hotels and casinos. Let’s set the scene. It’s noon on Monday, I called in saying I wouldn’t be coming in until the afternoon because of an appointment. The appointment was to go over the set list with Paris, it’s just an endless shuffle of Sandstorm, Levels, and an EDM remix of I’m Blue.

Lunch time rolls around and everyone is heading out to their cars to go to their preferred (the only) sandwich shop near out office when they hear the iconic duh-duh-duh-duh-duh from Sandstorm. Off in the field next to our building I’m hosting my own personal Dayglow. Mixed in with the foam being shot out of the cannons are replicas of the billion dollar check I just received from the New York Lottery. Am I rolling on enough molly to permanently rewire my brain? Doesn’t matter, no more cooperate mandated piss tests for ya boy but yes. After I’ve had my fun I get to live out the dream everyone who watched Entourage really had and that’s to scream at the top of my lungs “LLOYD, no more calls I’m done with this place.” Then Lloyd pops out of a bush and scurries off to my cube to handle the paperwork and formalities resulting from my vontae. I’m on a lot of drugs at this point but I’m also responsible person so rather than driving off into the metaphorical sunset I enter my carriage and ride off as far as those horse will take me. There’s not enough room for my newfound ego and Ms. Hilton so she’ll have to figure out her exit. A job with an okay salary and health insurance just opened up so if she’s looking to find something more stable than DJing maybe she sticks around to discuss terms.

My other idea “only” requires the cast of The Sandlot. We saw at that Dodgers game that they’re all still available for the most part but I think I have the cash assets now to pursued The Jet to make an appearance too.

I go into work Monday morning and carry on business as usual. When suddenly the original boys of summer burst into the office and challenge us to a game for the fate of our facility in a Space Jam esq fashion. Obviously we have to accept this challenge, momma didn’t raise no punk ass bitches. It’s the bottom of the 9th, my companies up to bat, there’s two out and it’s a tie game. You already know how this plays out, exactly according to the script I sent with the million dollar check. Ya boy steps up to the plate with Ham Porter chirping in my ear, I point off into the distance calling my shot. The pitcher serves me up a meat ball and I mash it into the stratosphere. Rounding the bases on my homerun trot I pat our opponents on the back as I go by, on the surface it looks like I’m just displaying great sportsmanship but really I’m slipping them all a few extra hundreds for a job well done. Everyone’s so caught up in the theatrics of what just happened that they don’t realize that after stepping on home plate I kept on walking and am now too far away to see where I went. A true walk-off.

How would you vontae?

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

NFL Week 2: Welcome to The Fitzmagic Kingdom

Week 2 of the NFL was a grab bag of oddities, head scratchers and eye openers. Recapping every game is hard to do when you don’t live in a Buffalo Wild Wings and have boilers to sell so we’ll stick to the top of the pile this time around.

-Vonte Davis is a hero for all of us who struggle with a soul sucking 9-5 and I won’t stand to see his name tarnished. Who hasn’t been on their way back from lunch and thought “what if I just don’t come back?” In fact I’m looking to pick up a jersey to wear next casual Friday to honor my new idol, I’m in Bills country so I could probably get it pretty cheap. There’s no way to sugar coat this, the 2018-19 Buffalo Bills are not good at football, I can’t speak on the level of their skills in areas such as break dancing, competitive yo-yo-ing, or cricket, but I’m certain they not good at winning games in the NFL. Vonte Davis realized this when his team was down 28-6 at halftime against the Chargers so he decided to give his teammates an all-time Irish Goodbye. The best part about it is that his 5 million dollar salary is guaranteed because he made the week 1 roster. He didn’t play in week 1 and finished this season with 1 tackle. I’m sure there’s some type of recourse where he won’t be getting all 5 million but his dollars per tackle from this season is going to rival Dwayne Bowes dollars per reception from his days with Kansas City. I don’t blame him, this was his 10th season in the NFL. If he decided that he didn’t want to take the abuse of an NFL season with a team that has a ceiling of 4-12 and he can handle the flak that’s going to get thrown his way then to him I say, do you boo-boo.

Good Will Hunting is one of my favorite movies, the ending never ceases to put a smile on my face. Spoiler alert: Matt Damon’s got to go see about a girl. Just leaving without any fanfare for the sake of doing what your gut is telling to do. Screw the long drawn out farewell tours, this is the type of retirement I want to see.

-Ties are like kissing your sister, but what if your sister’s hot? I don’t have a sister so it’s not weird for me to type that out. Ties kind of suck but if it’s a good game then how am I supposed to feel about them. Two weeks down and we’ve already seen two ties in the NFL but if we’re being honest they were both pretty entertaining games. Week 1 we had Cleveland mount a 4th quarter comeback capped off by Flash Gordon teasing fantasy football players world wide only to have a blocked field goal leave those coolers of Bud Light sealed like a cursed pharaohs tomb. In Week 2 we had the Vikings and Packers combine for 31 4th quarter points with Captain Kirk dropping a dime to Kiss Stealin Wheelin Thielen in the final minute to tie it up. Seconds later Rodgers almost did some more Rodgers shit but Mike Zimmer iced Mason Crosby like they were college roommates. Then after hearing about how Zane Gonzalez kept the coolers shut, and seeing Crosby blow it at the gun, Daniel Carlson said watch this shit and missed two potential game winners in OT including a 35 yard chip shot in the final seconds. It was entertaining. It was dramatic. It was a tie. Winning is officially on the hot seat because 2018 is the year of the tie.

-Is Ryan Fitzpatrick leading the NFL MVP race through 2 weeks? 819 yards on 78% completion rate with 8 tds with a Tampa Bay team that had zero expectations before losing their starting QB for the first 3 weeks makes me think he might be. Plus he’s done this against two of the best teams in the NFC from last season. Up next for Fitzy is a prime time showcase against a Steelers defense that just gave up 6 tds to Patrick Mahomes. Whatever the line is for Fitzpatrick touchdowns in that game I’m hammering the over because after years of being just okay enough to stick around his Harvard brain has apparently figured out the NFL. Step aside Disney, The Fitzmagic Kingdom is the new happiest place on Earth.

Remember that guy that went to South Beach for Spring Break, tried coke once, made out with a Hispanic chick and came back thinking they were Pit Bull?

Yeah, me neither.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

‘Twas the Night Before College Football

‘Twas the night before college football, when all through the land no one was on the field, not even the band.

The goal post were raised, by the end zone with care. In the hopes that Lane Kiffin would be there;

The players were nestled all snug in their bed, while visions of Kirby and The Coach danced in their heads;

And Harbagh in his kakis, and Malzan in his vest, had just settled down for a quick pregame rest.

When out on the campus there arose sounds that elate, fans had already gone out to the lot to tailgate.

Away to the stadium I flew like a flash, tore through the banner and fireworks did flash.

The moon was on the breast of fresh cut grass, gave the luster of linebackers ready to whoop some ass.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear, but a running back, he turned the corner and was in the clear.

With short choppy steps, so dynamic and quick, he was moving like someone’s thumb was on the joystick.

More rapid than Bryce Love he charged to the endzone, and he called out the names of coaches ascending the throne.

“Now, Dino! Now, Dabo! Now, Gundy and Kelly! On, Fisher! On, Frost! On, Saban! On, Leach!

To the top of the poll! Now dive on the ball!

Have Phyllis from Mulga go tell PAUL!”

As yellow flags that nosy referees let fly, when met with adversity, the team never says die.

So up to the playoffs their game plans they drew, with a bag full of tricks, Coach Kiffin has two.

And then, in a rumbling, I heard in the stands, the roar of a crowd and clapping of hands.

As they rose to their feet, creating quite a sound, out of the tunnel Coach Kiffin came with a bound.

He was dressed in Adidas from his visor to shoes, and his players well coached at positions they choose.

A call sheet of plays he had gripped in his hand, and he looked like a general ready to command.

His plays — how they wowed! His schemes how cunning!

Play fakes like magic, defense never saw it coming.

His QB was set, in a pocket so clean, surrounded by linemen, so big, strong, so mean.

His headset held tight gripping over his ear, he was focused, the crowd may have not been here.

He had luscious locks and a smile so sly, it’s no wonder recruits see him and say “that’s my guy.”

He was clever and funny, a true modern day coach, sound bites galore when the media approach.

A change of play, a quick scan of the field, the fans need not worry, his offense won’t yield.

He spoke not a word, but simply winked his eye, this subtle note told his QB to let it fly.

And before the snap he already knew, a touchdown scored and they’ll go for two.

He leapt off his feet, to his team gave a cheer, for the owls knew this one would be their year.

But I heard him exclaim, as they celebrated into the night.

“WHERE ARE YOU SABAN, WE’LL GIVE BAMA A FIGHT!”

Football is back baby.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

Back to Schoo…Shit

Late August is officially back to school season. The endless Target adds peddling folders repping whatever cartoons are hot in the streets these days and emotional insurance commercials showing parents dropping their child off to a 4 year bender are inundating our lives. Sitting on the other side of that fence now is a bizarre feeling that I wasn’t quite prepared for.

The nights leading up to graduation back in May while they were the final pages in my collegiate book never really felt like it. There weren’t really any tearful nights reminiscing about how much we’ll miss this place or whatever cliche was supposed to happen. Despite our best efforts too, one of the last nights before the last few of our friend group moved out we held #Cryfest2k18. A beautifully depressing gathering where about 8 guys got together in our living room, turned off the lights and played every sad song we could think of for the occasion. We had some heavy hitters going too. Come Join the Murder, Hallelujah, and the dumb Vitamin C song every group of high school chicks cries too at the end of senior year. After over an hour of this attempt at real emotion no tears were shed, in fact we all thought it was pretty funny because of how ridiculous and over the top it was. So we then decided to go back to our roots, kicked on Sherryl Crow’s all-time banger Soak Up the Sun, cranked that bitch up to 11 and smashed all the glass bottles we had accrued on our mantle from the past two years of drinking. We christened our apartment for the next generation of stories like a ship being sent out to sea for a new voyage.

A seismic shift has now occurred though. For the past 16 years those damn commercials signaled the return to school like the Beacons of Gondor calling upon the Riders of Rohan to come aid in battle. Now that I no longer answer to those beacons I find myself feeling those emotions we were supposed to find in that dark room back in May.

Here’s a tip for everyone out there still in college. When you graduate, don’t stay local. You might think that it wouldn’t be that bad and might actually be kinda sweet especially if you’ll still have some buddies at school to hang with. Let me tell ya, it’s not. I grew up in Syracuse, went to SU, and now work in the area so maybe it’s all compounding with the desire to leave the hometown. Yesterday I was working on a job site just a few blocks from campus and had to drive by my freshman dorm and apartment from junior and senior year to get there. It was one of the most surreal and depressing things I’ve experienced in my life.

Driving by Shaw Hall and seeing the endless line of cars pulling up to move in those blissfully ignorant 18 year old freshman bastards, I was blown away by how that was actually me 4 years ago. I wanted to pull over, shave my beard, and pick a random couple to call Mom and Dad in the hopes that maybe there’d be an empty bed waiting for me in 457 like there was back in 2014.

I’d like to take a moment here for anyone who might be thinking “just let it go you bum.” With all due respect, fuck off. If you’re not finding yourself missing it and wanting just one more victory lap then you definitely didn’t do college right. These days I have a 50 minute commute to an 8-5, 5-figures worth of debt suddenly attached to my name, and a front row seat to a life I once lived like some real life version of A Christmas Carol. There I was boozing on week nights without any regard for tomorrow, had 3 day weekends, and was pretending to be some some knock off Dan Patrick covering Syracuse Football and Basketball for a student radio station. You bet the stick shoved up your ass I would rather keep that train rolling. Let me feel my feelings damnit.

For now though I, like many of you, am stuck toiling away in my cube longing to have one more shot at it. I’ll probably take a few swings for old times sake, I do have some friends who are still in school, but it just won’t be the same. So for now raise a happy hour special domestic draft to the good times and maybe share a few bits of advice to someone younger so that they get the most out of their time.

I’ll start with a little story from early on in my freshman year.

About a month in a my friend Matt from high school who is a year older and went to a smaller college near by asked me to come meet him at DJs. A bar next to Syracuse’s campus which will let you in at 18 but gives you the mark of shame Xs on your hands signaling the bartender to not serve you. Really though you could pass as being 21 if you showed them a library card. This place is the goddamn Wild West where no laws actually apply. At the time I didn’t know how loose DJs interpreted “legal form of identification” so I got Xd up like a mutha fucka. Matt had a shitty fake so he could buy booze, when I met him in DJs he immediately handed me a beer which of course I proceed to drink (whoa look at the hot shot over here drinking beer in a bar). A bouncer sees the beer, sees the Xs on my hands, comes up to me and says “you’re out.”

I’m not a bitch so I toughen up, puff out my chest and defiantly say “okay” and leave. I was in the bar for maybe 5 minutes. Leaving the bar a homeless man walks up to me and gives me some story about how it’s his birthday and he’s just trying to buy a bottle of Jack and asks if I had a couple bucks. Obviously I’m hammered off of my sip of Bud Light but really I just admire the honesty of “hey man I’m just trying to get fucked up.” So I toss him a couple bucks for his troubles. Welp, he then puts his arm around me, tells me I’m a good dude and asks “yo you smoke?” Before I can say anything he pulls out a small bag of crack from his hat and offers it to me for $10. Crack rocks are no more than 6 inches from my face at this point. My eyes get wide because now shit has just gotten very real and say “I gotta go” and book it back to my dorm to go to bed and ponder what the fuck just happened.

So the moral of the story kids, is to make sure you have a good fake and as Nancy Reagan said, just say no.

God I’m gonna miss it.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

I’ve Found My Mortal Enemy

So I’m a firm believer in the notion that your surroundings are a strong indication of how you’re doing in life. There’s a reason why if you grow up with dreams of making it big you picture the bright lights, big city and hill top mansions.

My current terms of employment have me working in a one traffic light town with one bar and the great tragedy of recent memory was that the McDonalds went out of business, how’s that’s even possible I don’t know. I’m a broke ass 20something just looking to find some ground to stand on in this apocalyptic wasteland known as post-grad life. If you offer me a salary and health insurance I’m in regardless of location. This type of environment is something that I’m used to anyway. I spent last summer working in a rust belt town in the middle of bumfuck Pennsylvania where the event of the year was that a Motley Crüe cover band was playing at the railroaders memorial museum. You could say I’m the poor man’s John Taffer of towns that have been passed by in the forward march of development. Bring me in, I shout “shut it down,” but then I don’t really manage to make much of an impact. Then it’s off to the next one! I lied, there’s actually 2 traffic lights.

Let me paint you a picture of my commute as I come into work. I exit the highway and turn onto the road my office is on. At the turn there’s a plywood sign that just says “eggs” with an arrow pointing in the only direction you can continue. It’s written in red spray paint so while the arrow doesn’t really add any vital information to those driving by, it does clarify that this isn’t some poorly planned PETA sign trying to convince me that eggs are murder. The road is dotted with small houses separated by almost a mile a piece and a barn where I assume those murderous eggs are hiding. There’s something else dotting the road too. Actual horse shit. It’s just smeared across the asphalt in streaks resembling what it looks like if you take a brown crayon and lightly brush it against a piece of paper.

This is because of him, my nemesis. The Amish guy who I pass by at least once a day in his horse drawn buggy. Now Jedidiah and myself have never actually interacted outside of our passing glances along the turd paved road, almost like a rip in space and time has opened up and what once was is now staring back at what now is. The reason why he’s my nemesis ties back into the whole where you are says a lot about where you’re at. The Amish are supposed to be societies canary in the coal mine except instead of a methane leak it’s an indication of modern amenities.

There’s a reason you never see a horse and buggy rolling down Sunset Boulevard or Broadway unless it’s some over the top cheesy romcom. It’s because the 21st century has moved in and said get the fuck out of my way. We as a people stopped shitting in outhouses and now bathe using hot water because 1. Ew and 2. it’s waaaaaay better this way.

The great poet Niki Minaj once said “put this pussy on your sideburns”, but that doesn’t really apply here. She also said “my haters are my motivators.” I don’t know if he hates me the way I hate him but he’s still one of my biggest motivators so I guess I should thank him for that.

This actually isn’t the first time I’ve tangoed with Amish folk. Back when I was a young lad, probably around 12 years old, my dad brought me to a trade show he was working. The primary theme of the show was farm equipment and a handful of related markets. At the show there were a few businesses run by Amish people, I don’t know what they were but I assume they had something to do with hand churned butter or a home defense system to protect you from the Apaches. A family dawning the traditional monotone and button laden garb walked past our booth and my dads’ friend Aaron said to me “I bet you $20 you can’t get an Amish girls phone number.” It took me a few seconds but then I had the come to Jesus moment and replied in a half questioning tone “they don’t have phones.” Aaron laughed and turned to my dad to say “you got a sharp kid over here Mike.” Yeah, sharp as a butter knife.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired