College Football Week 5: What We Learned

This weekend could’ve been an all-timer for ya boy. The Pats are back from the dead, I’m not sweating buckets whenever I go outside, and Sunday morning I nailed a 30ft birdie putt on 18 for force a tie in our family’s captain a crew golf outing. I got my first of many pumpkin spice coffees, say what you want that shit’s delicious. Everything was going my way, except for Saturday afternoon. Try to keep up if you want to know what went wrong.

-Rutgers Update: Rutgers football updates are our bread and butter here at IPGFFT, at this point I’m expecting my lifetime media credential to show up in the mail any day now. This week was actually pretty great by Scarlet Knight standards. No it wasn’t a bye week and therefore impossible for them to lose another game, I bet they’d find a way. America’s team stay home in New Jersey to take on Indiana and managed to lose in a non-blowout fashion. Rutgers entered the 4th quarter down 24-7 but managed to put together a 10-0 final frame to pull the game to within one possession but alas Saturday would not but the Knights day and the final score of 24-17 held true. Shout out to future New York Jets QB Artur Sitowski, seriously adding that missing ‘h’ would do wonders, had his best performance of the season going 18/35 for 154 a td and an int. His QBR of 34.8 was his best of the season. Consistency is key.

-Mormon Dreams Die: I’m honestly fascinated by how BYU has managed to construct a typically solid football program through the very narrow recruiting base of mormons and guys who are willing to abide by BYU’s downright absurd honor code. It doesn’t hurt that their “freshmen” are actually about 26 after going on their mission trip but finding other guys to fill out the roster is extremely impressive. BYU came into week 5 ranked 20th after getting a big road win at Wisconsin and this week they had another shot at knocking off a top tier opponent against Washington. Well God, Buddah, The Fly Spaghetti Monster or whatever the hell they believe in wasn’t on their side because the Huskies smoked them 35-7. The honor code explicitly bans homosexual behavior, will the team be allowed back on campus after getting fucked that hard by a bunch of other dudes? I’ll have to consult the gold tablets on that one.

-Joe Knew, Urban Knew, No One Knows Anything Anymore: Ohio State beat Penn State in a really close game, playoff implications, conference championships blah blah blah. What’s really important here is that we learned just how stupid the people running Ohio State’s PR really is. Earlier in the week they tossed out a poster hyping the game with only one word across the top of it, ‘Silence’. The athletics department said that it was meant to mean silence Penn States crowd and that they used the same message a few years ago. Here are my issues with this: 1. You already used this, be original goddamnit. 2. Literally no one in that office saw that and thought hey maybe not the best time for this one, let’s let the heat in the streets die down a little bit. If it’s that hard to come up with hype up material for a top-10 college football game float me a few bucks and I’ll come up with something for ya next time.

-Moral Victories Feel Good in the Same Way Getting Punched in the Dick is a Handjob: Syracuse had that win in the bag, I’m still upset about this days later and honestly depending on how the rest of this season plays out I may never quite recover from this. The Orange came into Clemson as a national buzz team that was clearly expected to get put in their place as indicated by the -24.5 Clemson line at kickoff. That was not how this dance played out at all. In the first half Syracuse was moving the ball and putting up points, albeit field goals rather than touchdowns. But even with Clemson at full strength Syracuse was going blow for blow with them in their house. Then Sunshine got sent back into 10th grade by a brutal, but clean, hit on a scramble that really had not shot of being anything positive. This was it, Syracuse had a 16-7 halftime lead and now Clemson was going to have to go to a guy that was always meant to be a career clipboard jockey to finish the game. This next 30 minutes of football was going to send Syracuse from frisky up-and-comer to where-did-they-come-from with an inside track to the ACC title game. The scars from my years as a season ticket holder during the Greg Robinson years would finally be healed in one glorious afternoon. But then Syracuse forgot that run defense is important and Travis Etienne curb stomped my hopes and dreams into oblivion. Really though 2 years ago Syracuse lost 54-0 at Clemson and now they’re here, looking at their schedule the rest of the way Notre Dame is the only team left that Syracuse would be a clear underdog against. Am I still sitting at my desk seething over every missed tackle, wide open running lane, dogshit man down field call? Yes, 1000% yes. If Syracuse is for real and closes out the year on a tear will this result haunt me as a what could’ve been? 10000% yes. On to the next one. Dino Babers to a struggling traditional power takes in 3…2…1….

I hate football, god I love it so much. Isn’t it the best?

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

NFL Week 3: Nothing Makes Sense Anymore

A moment of silence for our degenerate gamblers out there who put little Bobby’s college fund on some NFL games this week. I imagine seeing teams like the Bills, Giants, Browns, and Lions win and the Packers, Patriots, and Jaguars lose has to be the NFL gamblers equivalent to Black Wednesday in the stock market. On top of that the Seahawks might actually be not as bad as people expected, or the Cowboys stink, the Dolphins are 3-0 (10-1 in their last 11 games with Ryan Tannehill starting) and the Texans went from preseason hype machine to bottom dweller. I guess that’s why you play the games. We all spent our Sunday glued to the TV watching this unfold so we might as well talk about it.

-Open the Coolers: The impossible finally happened, the Cleveland Browns won a regular season football game. 635 days without tallying one in the win column and thanks to the dawning of the Baker Mayfield era and the ineptitude of the Jets it’s finally over. It couldn’t have been scripted much better for Mayfield’s first game. Despite being the first pick in the draft Baker will always have that underdog moniker attached to his name. No offers out of high school despite being a star, walks on at two different schools, ultimately becoming a shit-talkin-swag-walkin star all the way to a Hiesman. Through the draft process all you heard was attitude this and too small that, shout out Cowherd. Of course he gets tossed into his first meaningful snaps after an injury to Tyrod Taylor and leads a comeback to end the streak. Now if Baker keeps it rolling Jets fans will have flashbacks to 2001 when Mo Lewis inadvertently started the Brady era in New England. I will say I’m a little disappointed in the people of Cleveland, personally I was hoping for total Bud Light fueled chaos following the dramatic win similar to Philly after Budweiser offered to pick up the city’s bar tab following the Super Bowl. If Baker bring a Lombardi back to The Land I better see that river catch on fire again.

-Wagons = Circled: *Puts on zubaz sweat pants* YA KNOW THE BILLS MAKE ME WANT TO SHOUT! PUT MY HANDS UP AND SHOUT! COME ON SCREAM AND SHOUT! *takes off zubaz sweat pants* The Bills could not have been at more of a low point. Back to back blowout losses, players retiring at halftime, Bills mafia getting blackout drunk because they have too rather than want to. They walked into Minnesota as 16.5 point underdogs and somehow managed to lay an absolute beat down on the Vikings. A lot of this had to do with the Vikings not being able to hold onto the ball on their side of the field during the 1st half. Even a team that is seemingly as bad as Buffalo is going to capitalize when they start drives already in field goal range, hard to believe it but they are professional football players. Does this mean that they’ve turned it around already this season? Probably not but hey ho Buffalo is always more fun when there’s at least a glimmer of hope.

-Fitzys Back: MVP Fitzpatrick was a lot of fun while it lasted but for at least the first half of Monday’s game between Pittsburgh and Tampa Bay we saw some bit of familiarity in week 3. Three first half interceptions for Fitzmagic brought all of us riding that bandwagon back to the reality that he’s a serviceable backup who will occasionally destroy your teams chance of winning in the blink of an eye, see the week 17 game between the Bills and Jets from a few years ago. He still managed to put up 400+ yards and 3 touchdowns so instead of MVP Fitzy we can still hang on to gunslinger Fitzy which I’d much rather see than Jameis come back to be just okay enough to maybe stick with him because of potential. The Steelers won but are still a mess in the locker room but at least they’ve finally realized that their relationship with Bell isn’t salvageable and are now looking to trade him.

-Rodger Goodell Hates Clay Mathews: Remember when we all thought the helmate rule was going to end all competitive athletics as we know it? Turns out it’s the body weight rule is actually the new addition that is the football AIDS we all feared and Clay Mathews is Magic Johnson. It’s kinda like the NFL was squaring up for a fight with the fans and defensive players and while we were focusing on their hands they kicked us in the balls. That’s a bitch move Goodell and you know it. I don’t care what the NFL or it’s talking heads say, this is the Rodgers rule because of his glass collar bone. Stay woke, the Packers we’re really the ones who pushed for this and everyone else knew it’d be a shit show. The league saw an opportunity to create something relatively meaningless to distract everyone from the mountain of real issues (CTE, Kaep & Reid, Marvin Lewis still somehow being a head coach) and now they’re just fucking with the Packers by hitting them with one of these calls every week.

-Josh Rosens Coaches Hate Him: The Bears defense is really good. Maybe not ’85 good but Kahlil Mack could line up with them and still be an absolute star. He’s quickly starting to run away in the defensive player of the year race after adding 2 more sacks and another forced fumble to his unreal start to the season. All-Pro QBs are scared of that guy at any point in a game. Rookie QBs don’t stand a goddamn chance against him. Rookie QBs in an obvious passing situation with the game on the line shouldn’t even bother breaking the huddle. Rookie QBs taking their first snaps in an obvious passing situation with the game on the line with a bad team around them…you see where I’m going here. Josh Rosen was thrown into this game trailing 16-14 in the 4th quarter because, I can’t think of any reason why. Sure you can think “hey throw him in there and see what he can do, no pressure no diamonds.” But yikes this was an absolute no win situation for Rosen. That was like giving the scalpel to a new surgeon fresh out of Med school when the guy on the table is bleeding out and seconds away from flat lining. I’m not an NFL coach or a doctor but I may have preferred to give the rookie a simpler introduction to the big show.

-Wasn’t There Supposed to be a Sunday Night Game?: Shut up. Josh Gordon. In Bill we trust. I don’t want to talk about it.

We’re on to week 4.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

College Football Week 4: What We Learned

We’re back to football weather here in the Northeast and week 4 was probably the last one that was truly safe from an impromptu day at the apple orchard with the Mrs. Hand up, I actually love a nice fall day at an apple orchard, so long as it’s during Syracuse’s bye week or we get back in time for kick off. Hoodie weather, a crisp Red Delicious fresh from the tree, possibly a trip to the tasting room if you’re local establishment dabbles in ciders and hard liquor. Shout out Beak and Skiff and their apple vodka-mackintosh cider combo that tastes like apple pie and will put you on your ass and the top of any IG feed. Week 4 was for the boys though and we got a whole bushel of games to pick through (apple puns, I’m a goddamn beast).

-Your Weekly Rutgers Update: I never planned on IPGFFT to become the world wide leader in Rutgers Football coverage but here we are. I’m a man of the people and the people want to witness a train wreck without wasting their Saturday afternoons watching a D-3 caliber team get their brains beat in. 52-3 at Ohio State is expected, 55-14 at Kansas is embarrassing, 42-13 at home against Buffalo is downright sad. I hate to name names but to fully illustrate just how much of an exercise in futility the 2018-19 Rutgers season is I turn to their starting QB Artur (not a typo, it’s Artur and not Arthur) Sitkowski through 4 games is 39/80 passing for 329 yards 1 td and 7 interceptions. Football Jesus Tua Togoviola had 387 on 22 completions against Texas A&M while not playing in the 4th quarter. Again for the sake of the children, cancel Rutgers.

-Basketball Schools are the New Football Schools: Kentucky and Syracuse are a combined 8-0 on the season, the last time that happened was never. IPGFFT is a pretty bare bones operation so we don’t actually have a stats department to confirm this but it feels right. I said last week that I’m ready to sign in blood that Cuse is back and a 51-21 win over piss poor UConn obviously won’t change that one bit, I took Cuse -29.5, good teams win but great teams cover. Kentucky though is actually putting in work down in SEC country. A few weeks ago they beat Florida in the swamp and this week they laid a 28-7 beating on 14th ranked Mississippi State and is now going to creep up in the polls until Nov. 11th when they get smoked by Georgia. My only question is has Calipari’s bag man realized that serving a team with a 105 man roster a bit more lucrative than one with only 15? I’m not saying something’s up but people might be.

-Has Virginia vs UMBC Found its Equal: The worst performance of the week goes to those boys down in Blacksburg. Virginia Tech came into its home match up against Old Dominion ranked 13th in the nation, Old Dominion came in ranked 47th…in the FCS. Old Dominion was also 0-3 on the season, again they are and FCS team. Tech entered the 4th quarter with a 28-21 lead and then proceeded to get outscored 28-7 in the final frame. OD QB Blake LaRussa shredded Tech’s defense going for 495 yards and 4 tds and potentially kick started the first ever FCS Hiesman campaign? I’ll back that horse. This will probably draw memories of the App St Michigan game from 2007 but App St was actually coming off of back to back FCS national titles, Old Dominion came in ranked 47th in the FCS.

-Paywalls are Stupid: If you didn’t know that Army and Oklahoma played a fantastic game that ended with a Sooners win in overtime that’s okay, because the only people who saw it were the ones in the stadium. Not because there were better games being played on TV at the time, but because this game was a $55 pay per view. Hey NCAA, go fuck yourself $55. I’m defaulting the blaming the NCAA because they certainly had a hand in this and it’s a muscle reflex at this point to tell the National Communist Athletics Association to go fuck themselves. Seriously though, for $55 I could go down to BDubs and feast like a king while watching literally every single other game being played. The Superbowl isn’t even pay per view. Hey Oklahoma-Army, you’re not the Super Bowl, you’re not even Tiger v Phil. I’m not asking for much, I’m just asking you be better.

-Hey Nebraska, You Okay?: Last season Scott Frost kind of won a national title at UCF, depending on who you ask. Nebraska strolled on in and offered him a shit ton of money to revive their program back to the days of Tom Osborne, instead at least as of right now they’re getting Sharon Osborne. A home loss to Troy last week certainly was a swift kick in the corn cob for folks in Lincoln. The 56-10 thrashing they got against Michigan wasn’t necessarily unexpected but yikes that’s a good way to get people to hit the eject and pack it in, that’s a Rutgers score. Getting out gained 132 to 491 is not what you call championship caliber football, which Scott Frost is apparently familiar with.

The season’s starting to ripen up and early playoff bets are ready to be picked, just hope that your teams’ season doesn’t start to rot. Seriously, I’m a machine.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

How Would I Vontae?

Vontae Davis retiring at halftime of the Bills game against the Chargers has dominated my mind since Sunday afternoon. How can it not? The man pulled off a hall of fame resignation and somehow transformed himself from a solid but not memorable NFL vet into a sports trivia night legend that will never die.

So now I’m proposing that we officially add ‘vontae’ into the collective lexicon of cube crops everywhere. However, vonte can’t be left at just leaving leaving a job with no warning, that’s already known as an Irish Goodbye or what my dad did after they figured out I would always be a terrible baseball player. Maybe he just got taken into The Upside Down and is trying to barter for his freedom from the Demigorgon with a pack of Cloves. Is Stranger Things still a thing? I only watch one show a year just so I have something to talk about with people at bars.

No, a vontae has to be something of an even greater scope in order to properly honor this mailtime legend. So here is my formal submission to whoever is in charge of making words words (you’d think as a former librarian I might have a better idea at who is in charge of that).

Vontae – verb – To quit a job in a manor in which the story of how you do it leaves a story that will long outlast your coworkers at the time.

Get on it Merriam!

So obviously the next step in this blog is to ponder what some of the best ways I would vonte. Now for the sake of an equal playing field the sun was shinning bright on you one day and your Friday night ritual of picking up a Mega Millions ticket along with a six pack of your choosing finally paid off and your lucky numbers finally hit. Mr. Davis isn’t exactly diving into the unknown, he managed to rack up a $53 million in career earnings over the past 10 years.

I know a lot of people that might be fed up with their jobs might want to take this hall pass to lay into their boss or coworkers about pass transgressions but being a dick doesn’t earn you legendary status and if you get too caught up in the moment it might end with the cops getting called. No, kill them with kindness, blow their minds, leave them with a story they’ll be dying to tell everyone from the new intern, their buddies at the bar, and strangers on the internet because a relevant thread on Reddit stirred up that glorious memory. Neil Armstrong is the only person to be able to lay claim to the first man to step foot on the moon but everyone who saw that unfold will never forget it.

My first delusion of grandeur involves a fading celebrity sex tape star, some foam cannons, a Cinderella-esq horse drawn carriage, and the guy that played Lloyd in Entourage.

Anyone know what Paris Hilton is up to these days? Apparently she’s a celebrity DJ that goes around and performs(?) at hotels and casinos. Let’s set the scene. It’s noon on Monday, I called in saying I wouldn’t be coming in until the afternoon because of an appointment. The appointment was to go over the set list with Paris, it’s just an endless shuffle of Sandstorm, Levels, and an EDM remix of I’m Blue.

Lunch time rolls around and everyone is heading out to their cars to go to their preferred (the only) sandwich shop near out office when they hear the iconic duh-duh-duh-duh-duh from Sandstorm. Off in the field next to our building I’m hosting my own personal Dayglow. Mixed in with the foam being shot out of the cannons are replicas of the billion dollar check I just received from the New York Lottery. Am I rolling on enough molly to permanently rewire my brain? Doesn’t matter, no more cooperate mandated piss tests for ya boy but yes. After I’ve had my fun I get to live out the dream everyone who watched Entourage really had and that’s to scream at the top of my lungs “LLOYD, no more calls I’m done with this place.” Then Lloyd pops out of a bush and scurries off to my cube to handle the paperwork and formalities resulting from my vontae. I’m on a lot of drugs at this point but I’m also responsible person so rather than driving off into the metaphorical sunset I enter my carriage and ride off as far as those horse will take me. There’s not enough room for my newfound ego and Ms. Hilton so she’ll have to figure out her exit. A job with an okay salary and health insurance just opened up so if she’s looking to find something more stable than DJing maybe she sticks around to discuss terms.

My other idea “only” requires the cast of The Sandlot. We saw at that Dodgers game that they’re all still available for the most part but I think I have the cash assets now to pursued The Jet to make an appearance too.

I go into work Monday morning and carry on business as usual. When suddenly the original boys of summer burst into the office and challenge us to a game for the fate of our facility in a Space Jam esq fashion. Obviously we have to accept this challenge, momma didn’t raise no punk ass bitches. It’s the bottom of the 9th, my companies up to bat, there’s two out and it’s a tie game. You already know how this plays out, exactly according to the script I sent with the million dollar check. Ya boy steps up to the plate with Ham Porter chirping in my ear, I point off into the distance calling my shot. The pitcher serves me up a meat ball and I mash it into the stratosphere. Rounding the bases on my homerun trot I pat our opponents on the back as I go by, on the surface it looks like I’m just displaying great sportsmanship but really I’m slipping them all a few extra hundreds for a job well done. Everyone’s so caught up in the theatrics of what just happened that they don’t realize that after stepping on home plate I kept on walking and am now too far away to see where I went. A true walk-off.

How would you vontae?

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

NFL Week 2: Welcome to The Fitzmagic Kingdom

Week 2 of the NFL was a grab bag of oddities, head scratchers and eye openers. Recapping every game is hard to do when you don’t live in a Buffalo Wild Wings and have boilers to sell so we’ll stick to the top of the pile this time around.

-Vonte Davis is a hero for all of us who struggle with a soul sucking 9-5 and I won’t stand to see his name tarnished. Who hasn’t been on their way back from lunch and thought “what if I just don’t come back?” In fact I’m looking to pick up a jersey to wear next casual Friday to honor my new idol, I’m in Bills country so I could probably get it pretty cheap. There’s no way to sugar coat this, the 2018-19 Buffalo Bills are not good at football, I can’t speak on the level of their skills in areas such as break dancing, competitive yo-yo-ing, or cricket, but I’m certain they not good at winning games in the NFL. Vonte Davis realized this when his team was down 28-6 at halftime against the Chargers so he decided to give his teammates an all-time Irish Goodbye. The best part about it is that his 5 million dollar salary is guaranteed because he made the week 1 roster. He didn’t play in week 1 and finished this season with 1 tackle. I’m sure there’s some type of recourse where he won’t be getting all 5 million but his dollars per tackle from this season is going to rival Dwayne Bowes dollars per reception from his days with Kansas City. I don’t blame him, this was his 10th season in the NFL. If he decided that he didn’t want to take the abuse of an NFL season with a team that has a ceiling of 4-12 and he can handle the flak that’s going to get thrown his way then to him I say, do you boo-boo.

Good Will Hunting is one of my favorite movies, the ending never ceases to put a smile on my face. Spoiler alert: Matt Damon’s got to go see about a girl. Just leaving without any fanfare for the sake of doing what your gut is telling to do. Screw the long drawn out farewell tours, this is the type of retirement I want to see.

-Ties are like kissing your sister, but what if your sister’s hot? I don’t have a sister so it’s not weird for me to type that out. Ties kind of suck but if it’s a good game then how am I supposed to feel about them. Two weeks down and we’ve already seen two ties in the NFL but if we’re being honest they were both pretty entertaining games. Week 1 we had Cleveland mount a 4th quarter comeback capped off by Flash Gordon teasing fantasy football players world wide only to have a blocked field goal leave those coolers of Bud Light sealed like a cursed pharaohs tomb. In Week 2 we had the Vikings and Packers combine for 31 4th quarter points with Captain Kirk dropping a dime to Kiss Stealin Wheelin Thielen in the final minute to tie it up. Seconds later Rodgers almost did some more Rodgers shit but Mike Zimmer iced Mason Crosby like they were college roommates. Then after hearing about how Zane Gonzalez kept the coolers shut, and seeing Crosby blow it at the gun, Daniel Carlson said watch this shit and missed two potential game winners in OT including a 35 yard chip shot in the final seconds. It was entertaining. It was dramatic. It was a tie. Winning is officially on the hot seat because 2018 is the year of the tie.

-Is Ryan Fitzpatrick leading the NFL MVP race through 2 weeks? 819 yards on 78% completion rate with 8 tds with a Tampa Bay team that had zero expectations before losing their starting QB for the first 3 weeks makes me think he might be. Plus he’s done this against two of the best teams in the NFC from last season. Up next for Fitzy is a prime time showcase against a Steelers defense that just gave up 6 tds to Patrick Mahomes. Whatever the line is for Fitzpatrick touchdowns in that game I’m hammering the over because after years of being just okay enough to stick around his Harvard brain has apparently figured out the NFL. Step aside Disney, The Fitzmagic Kingdom is the new happiest place on Earth.

Remember that guy that went to South Beach for Spring Break, tried coke once, made out with a Hispanic chick and came back thinking they were Pit Bull?

Yeah, me neither.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

College Football Week 3: What We Learned

Another week has come and gone and now that a quarter of the regular season is in the books hot starts turn to sky high expectations, continued struggles become demands to clean house, and some teams are just sticking to the script. I have a first hand story to tell this week so lets run through some quick hits first.

-The Death Star is Fully Operational: Alabama came into the season with the most annoying quarterback controversy I’ve ever seen. Either you go with Jalen Hurts who started his career 27-2 and made it to back to back national championships as a freshman and sophomore, or Tua Tugoviloa who won a national championship as a freshman by coming in at halftime to put the team on his back like Bobby Bucher. Captain Insano shows no mercy and neither does Bama when Tua is at the helm. The Tide was up 49-7 at halftime against Ole Miss and I’m ready to declare this a scorched earth season for Alabama. The media angered Nick Saban with the constant QB questions and now his mission is to steamroll everyone in his path for the sole purpose of giving Hurts garbage time snaps to rack up his own All-Conference stat lines.

-Cancel Rutgers: I said last week the Rutgers should just stop playing Ohio State because no one should have to endure that type of consistent abuse. Well after a 55-14 loss to Kansas it’s time to widen that net. I’m pretty sure Kansas has a football team only because the Big 12 requires them to have one. They have been a non-bye week bye week for the Big 12 for years now so where do you go from here if you’re Rugters? Watching Rutgers play is like watching Apollo Creed get his brains beat in by Ivan Drago, I’ll do what Rocky couldn’t and toss in the towel before we need to call the paramedics.

-Coach O is a Gift to College Football: LSU opened a lot of eyes after their week 1 drubbing of Miami and after a comeback win on the road against #7 Auburn LSU is for real. The best part about LSU climbing the college football ranks is that we’re going to get all the Coach O we can. I love a good locker room speech but there’s just something about hearing a guy the sounds like Cookie Monster after chain smoking a pack of marbs scream “FUCK THEM” that puts a smile on my face. We already have great Ed Ogeron stories like how at USC he was still recruiting when there was no coaching staff and how he used to eat cups of coleslaw for breakfast, now that there’s going to be even more media surrounding the Tigers I can’t wait for what’s next.

Now it’s time for what ya boy learned this weekend from his own experience. I went to the Syracuse-Florida State game on Saturday and the rumors are true, the Seminoles STINK. It was 6-0 Cuse at halftime and it was no doubt the most one sided 6-0 game I’ve ever seen. Florida State still has a roster full of 4 and 5 star recruits but somehow Willie Tagart has managed to turn them into St. Marry’s School for the Blind. Two weeks ago Western Michigan managed to put up 621 yards and 42 point on Syracuse’s defense. Even Wagner managed to score 10. Florida State had 240 total yards and only scored 7 points. Deandre Francois was taking such a whooping that he was telling his lineman to fuck off when they would try to help him up. Tagart said his offense was “lethal simplicity” which apparently means “too dumb to breath.” Stick that flaming spear in the ‘Noles THEY. ARE. DONE.

On the other sideline, Cuse is back baby. I’m ready to sign that in blood now. I was in the broadcast booth last year when Syracuse beat Clemson on Friday the 13th and could see that Dino Babers was actually building something real even if it didn’t always show up on the scoreboard. The past few years the wheels would fall off for Syracuse around the mid point of the season because Eric Dungey couldn’t stay healthy and behind him wasn’t much. Well Dungey missing snaps due to injury came earlier than expected but Tommy Devito stepped in and kept things rolling leading the offense to 24 2nd half points. Devito struggled a bit when he got garbage time snaps in the past 2 weeks but his performance on Saturday has got to be a huge boost to the young pup’s confidence. The defense in the past managed to find ways to struggle no matter what the caliber of opponent they were up against. That was not the case this time around mainly because their front 4 dominated from start to finish. To top it all off, Coach Babers delivered another classic locker room speech where he managed to temporarily replace my hangover with pure adrenaline by talking about the weather.

On the topic of that hangover. Knowing I’d be going to a nooner the next day I decided to spend Friday night living it up like an undergrad. I was at a Cuse bar named Harry’s the night before with a buddy because his frat had a bar tab there. Harry’s seemed a lot nicer than the last time I was there, probably because they cleaned up the river of piss flowing from the bathroom that’s connected to the middle of the dance floor (classy) and also moved the main entrance from inside a CVS (very classy) to around the corner. Here’s a tip, if someone tells you to order a drink called “Electric Gatorade” just don’t. I don’t know what was in it but the next morning I was praying for the sweet release of death. Combine that with the 100 degree heat and 100% humidity inside the Carrier Dome, I was way closer to booting on the little girl sitting next to me than I’d like to admit. It was so hot and humid in there that some concessions stands were running out of bottled water by halftime. There’s nothing like the Dome when it’s packed and the crowd is feeling it but if it’s going to be a real home field advantage then it can’t be a health risk to go to a game. Figure it out folks.

Never order a drink if it’s the same color as the matching shooter sleeve and Kyries the annoying rich kid at the YMCA is rocking. Next week I’ll stick to what’s on tap.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

NFL Week 1 Recap

Technical difficulties kept this one in the oven a little bit longer than I wanted but I even with the extra crisp on the edges I promise it’s still delicious.

I said it before after week 1 of College Football but now that the big boys are in action football is OFFICIALLY back. It was all too perfect this weekend up here in CNY. Temperatures were in the low 60’s with a crisp breeze, hell on Sunday morning it was actually cold and I didn’t feel like a total piece of shit sitting on the couch in a pair of sweat pants all day. It just felt like pure, unadulterated, football and I love it. This was the first chance we got to see the real 32 teams populating the NFL this season so lets take it from the top.

Falcons @ Eagles: Holy cow that was a real stinker to start the season, for a while there I thought I misread my calendar and it was actually the last week of preseason. From all angles the first 3 1/2 quarters of this game were absolutely terrible. People will gush over the Philly Special take 2 The Electric Boogaloo but my first thought was that it’s probably not a great sign that you’re already dipping into the bag of tricks opening night just to get any amount of offense going. The Falcons must think that after giving Julio Jones all that money no one else on offense is allowed to get touches. Either that or Sark is back on his bullshit and has his old friend Jack Daniels helping him with play calls. Remember how we all thought the new helmet rule was going to destroy football and democracy as we know it? It actually didn’t make an appearance on opening night but the refs still managed to dominate tv time. 28 penalties were called and most of them were just because of undisciplined early season slop, but YIKES combine that with the hot doo doo play on the field and opening night probably couldn’t have been more of a dud. P.S. Catches are still a matter of opinion rather than fact so that’s cool. Eagles 18 Falcons 12

Bengals @ Colts: Andrew Luck and his super glued shoulder made their triumphant return to action and looked solid. The Colts really decided to put that team of surgeons work to the test though with 53 passing attempts which isn’t exactly what I would call ideal but then again I’m not an NFL coach or doctor. Without Marlon Mack playing the Colts couldn’t get much of a run game going so that obviously played into Luck’s Madden-esq workload. Everyone who made the easiest bet in the world that the first player to be ejected this season would be a Bengals player please take your tickets to the sportsbook window to collect your winnings. All stereotypes being validated aside the Bengals looked decent enough to get Coach Jones another contract extension. Andy Dalton a.k.a. The Red Rifle was sharp going 21/28 and 2 td, Joe Mixon seemed to step into the lead back role, and tiger stripes managed to pull off the road win. Bengals 34 Colts 23

Titans @ Dolphins: Mike Varbel seems like the type of football coach that would tell a player who just woke up from a coma to rub some dirt on it and get back in there but a little bit of lightning and suddenly it’s time to shut it down. Seriously, I thought this game wouldn’t actually end and we would finally see a Madden simulation determine the outcome of an actual NFL game. What a kick in the nuts it ended up being for the Titans. Wait for hours during multiple weather delays only to see Marcus Mariota go out with an elbow injury where apparently he lost feeling in his fingers and Delanie Walker’s ankle exploded, AND they lost to the Dolphins. All things considered that’s a pretty shitty Sunday. For the Dolphins they start the post Smokin’ Jay era with an okay win. Not much can be said about a game in which actual gameflow was nonexistent. But this was Ryan Tannehill’s first game back and he pick things up right where he left them off which is somewhere straddling the Dalton Line. Dolphins 27 Titans 20

Steelers @ Browns: THE BROWNS ARE UNDEFEATED IN THE 2018-19 SEASON…they also haven’t won a game yet but no doubt we saw progress. When this game went into overtime I knew we were going to see it end in a tie because isn’t that the best story line? The Browns hit peak Browns by getting a game winning field goal blocked in the final seconds and give Cleveland the biggest football blue balls since Steve McNair got tackled at the 1 and the Steelers will soon be leading the league in dislocated fingers after how hard they’ll be pointing them at Leveon Bell for not playing. James Connor actually had a great game worthy of giving Pittsburgh confidence that they’ll be okay post-Bell but wow that result has to hurt. I won’t make any predictions on how good the Browns will actually be this year because the Hard Knocks magic might wear off after 1 week but no doubt this was a step in the right direction. Brown 21 Steelers 21

49ers @ Vikings: So Jimmy G isn’t perfect, well he’s still a perfect human specimen that has a 1000 watt smile, perfect hair, eyes you get lost in, and makes it wiggle just a little bit and… Football, back to football. Yeah so the 9ers probably aren’t winning the Superbowl this season, they probably won’t win their division either with the Rams seemingly turning off the salary cap. Oddly enough Garoppolo has actually thrown as many touchdowns and interceptions in a 49ers uniform, no doubt he passes the eye test but you’d think he was MVP last year the way people have been talking about him. Now that there’s actual film out there on 10 in red we’ll probably see him struggle at times in a way you’d expect to see a QB with only 9 career starts struggle, especially going up against a loaded defense like the Vikings. For Minnesota, Kirk Cousins looked solid in his first game wearing purple. Cousins isn’t a superstar level QB despite what his contract says but he’s consistently pretty good which will absolutely be enough to make the Vikings a legit Superbowl contender. Vikings 24 49ers 16

Texans @ Patriots: Tom Brady finally went over the cliff, unfortunately for the rest of the NFL he is not a mortal man and is now soaring over the ravine his nay-sayers were expecting to find him plummeting into. There were a lot of questions regarding the crew around TB12 after the departures of Dion Lewis, Brandin Cooks, and Julian Edleman’s suspension but the machine marched on. Gronk did Gronk stuff with 123 yards and a td, 3 different running backs got carries along with Cordarrelle Paterson getting a few gadget plays, and Phillip Dorset actually managed to contribute. The surprise here is that the Patriots’ defense actually managed to get pressure and not get diced up, it’s been a while since we’ve seen New England be able to get pressure when only rushing 4. For the Texans this was the return of some of their most important players in Deshaun Watson, JJ Watt and Whitney Mercilus (still possibly the best football name in the business) and there was certainly some rust. Watson didn’t look quiet as comfortable as he normally did fumbling on the first play because of some uncertainty on a read option and overall he seemed to struggle with pocket awareness. JJ Watt was quite for a while but then really turned it up in the 2nd half and making it hard on the Patriots’ o-line, a great sign because once Watt and Clowney get it going that defense is going to win some games for Houston on its own. Patriots 27 Texans 20

Jaguars @ Giants: Jaylen Ramsey lead the NFL preseason in headlines by taking shots at seemingly every offensive player in the league. Things didn’t go exactly as planned for Ramsey in the opener when OBJ went for 111 yards on 11 catches (that’s a lot of 1s, neat). It’s not all on Ramsey since the two weren’t matched up man-to-man on every play but that was kind of a weak move after the game when Jaylen took to Twitter to play the “football is a team game” card when he’s been taking personal shots at every player he could name. Elsewhere on the field, Bortles looked like Bortles going for 176 yards 1 td and 1 int, and Leonard Fournette went down with a bad hammy but reports are saying that he’ll be find. The Jags defense is still really good, really fast, and really good. As I alluded to earlier OBJ seems to be fully recovered from his broken ankle which is big if the Giants want to keep Eli from REALLY showing his age. If you take away the 11 for 111 to OBJ the better looking(?) Manning brother went just 12/26 for 113 yards and an int. In Eli’s defense the Jags defense tends to do that to QBs so lets not write his obituary just yet. That Barkley guy played too and I’m not quite sure what to make of his performance. 18 carrier for 108 yards and a td looks pretty good but 68 of those yards and the td came on one play in the 4th. That was the kind of running back he was though at Penn State, maybe not the best per carry but he’ll be a threat to make a homerun play every time he touches the ball. Jaguars 20 Giants 15

Bucs @ Saints: Ryan Fitzpatrick you sneaky son of a bitch, turns out him stinking it up his last year in New York and backing up in Tampa was just his way of letting the rest of the NFL have a chance. In all seriousness whoever says they saw this coming is a dirty liar. The Saints even when they were just Brees dragging a team kicking and screaming to 7-9 were unbeatable in the dome and after last year with them suddenly having a defense and the 2nd coming in Alvin Kamara of course they’d be one of the best teams in football. Turns out Fitzmagic was spending the whole offseason using that Harvard brain of his to figure out how to turn the Saints back into the Aints. New Orleans still looked great on offense putting up 40. Brees was Brees throwing for over 400 yards and Kamara picked things up right where he left off rushing for 2 tds and adding in over 100 yards and a td receiving. I don’t want to put too much stock in one game, especially an opening week game where defense was optional so I think the Saints will be alright but what happens when Crab Legs comes back if Fitzy stays hot for the next few weeks? Stay tuned. Buccaneers 48 Saints 40

Bills @ Ravens: Well last season was fun, right Bills Mafia? It sucks for the Bills but if we’re being honest here they pretty much stumbled, or more fittingly fell off an RV and through a folding table, into the playoffs last year thanks to Red Rifle screwing over a division rival on a prayer. The Bills were going to be stuck in the 6-10 to 8-8 hell known as NFL purgatory for the next few years and so rather than that they decided to blow it up and try to build something real. Except they didn’t just blow it up, they dropped the goddamn czar bomb. In 2017 Nathan Peterman made JP Lossman look like Jim Kelly by comparison and now that’s who the Bills are rolling with unless they want to throw Josh Allen out to the wolves with nothing around him. If there’s any positive here it’s that Bills Mafia will only be getting drunker and more reckless, I might even have to make a road trip to The Ralph to get a taste of the madness myself. For the Ravens it’s hard to draw any real conclusions from this, no running backs rushed for over 50 yards and no receivers had over 50 yards, so maybe they’re the most well rounded team in NFL history. If were being honest here I don’t know how good the Ravens are because I like everyone else don’t know how good Joe Flacco is. A ’99 Camry looks like the hottest whip on the block when you compare it to a tricycle that’s missing two wheels. Ravens 47 Bills 3

Chiefs @ Chargers: I’m sorry I doubted Patrick Mahomes. Alex Smith had the reputation of being Charlie Check Down (not necessarily true) but now Mahomes will surly be named heir to the gunslinger throne. It doesn’t hurt to have Tyreek Hill, who’s faster than a roadrunner on meth, to play impromptu game of “let’s see how far I can throw and you try to catch it” with. Hill continued to prove he’s a real life video game when he opened up the scoring with a 91 yard punt return td and then followed that up with 169 yards and 2 more tds. The Chargers continue to forget that the regular season starts in September. They were getting smoked like the medical marijuana NFL players dream of going into the 4th down 31-12. Despite the Chargers (I may never refer to them as Los Angles because that still sounds weird) offense struggling to score for most of the game, Philip Rivers still put up a monster game with 424 yards and 3 tds. The Chargers are supposed to be this years “don’t let the boys get hot” team which could still be true but this was not the start Rivers was looking to bring home to his herd of children. Chiefs 38 Chargers 26

Seahawks @ Broncos: Three years ago this would’ve been the prime time crown juul NFL opening weekend but now in 2018 this game had a much different tone going in. The Broncos have officially abandoned all QBs drafted by John Elway, $w@g Kelly 2019, and brought in one year wonder Case Kenum to try and right the ship. What did Keenum do? He threw for 300 yards and 3 tds but 3 ints too, another performance that makes me go eh. It feels like Emmanuel Sanders has been around for 15 years now but apparently it’s only his 9th and hes still chugging along with a cool 135 yards and a td. Rookie running backs Phillip Lindsey and Royce Freeman actually put up identical stat lines with 71 yards on 15 carries which is kind of neat. The Seahawks are trying the best to not fully implode like a dying star after burning so bright. Clearly things aren’t all sunshine and gumdrops in Seattle following the departure of former cornerstones like Richard Sherman, Cam Chancellor, and Earl Thomas making it VERY clear that he wants out. Russel Wilson is great enough to keep this team from completely bottoming out but as shown by the 6 times he got sacked and 59 yards rushing put up by Seahawks other than Wilson there’s a lot of holes in this boat. Broncos 27 Seahawks 24

Cowboys @ Panthers: Is Dak whack? That is the question that will plague us all this season. I’m not sure but until we know for sure the Dak is not whack for the love of god can we get someone else playing in the FOX 4:15 time slot, for the love of Joe Buck I beg you. The Cowboys o-line is banged up right now and this is the first game where they don’t have Dez to drop passes so it wasn’t a surprise to see their offense struggle. Maybe not this much but at least a little. Zeke rushed for 69 yards, nice. If there’s any positive takeaways for Jerry and the boys it’s that their defense looked pretty good keeping Cam and McCaffrey in check. Christain McCaffrey has officially been given the lead back role by the Panthers and he lead Carolina in receptions, receiving yards, and rushes/rush yards by players not rocking a post game wardrobe pulled from Elton John’s closet. I know everyone’s been working on their ebony and ivory/Eminem and Tiger Woods jokes but let’s be patient on this. Panthers 16 Cowboys 8

Bears @ Packers: The Monsters of the Midway are very much back with newly acquired one man wrecking crew Khalil Mack teaming up with Roquan Smith and an already good Bears defense. It took one half of football for every Raiders fan in America to bust out the sadness booze after watching Mack have a sack, fumble recovery, interception, and a touchdown in the same game. The only other player that’s done that was *checks the almanac* Khalil Mack, yeah you pay this guy whatever the fuck he wants. Unfortunately for Chicago The Boogey Man still plays for the Packers. For a little while it looked like Bears finally conquered their demons when Rodgers had to be taken out on the meat wagon after a knee injury. Guess what though? Rodgers came back on one leg, did Rodges shit and the Packers outscored the Bears 21-3 in the 4th. A comeback capped off by a broken play catch and run by Randall Cobb that seemingly only the Packers manage to pull off. Seriously I know Rodgers is historically great, but the constant hail marries and wild finishes rather than methodical comebacks leads me to believe that Rodgers either sold his soul to the devil or he has a horseshoe shoved so far up his ass he can taste it when he burps. Stay woke, Rodgers wasn’t actually hurt, he just pulled a Paul Pierce and crapped his pants after getting planted by Mack and called for the wagon as cover up. Packers 24 Bears 23

Jets @ Lions: Are the Jets back? No, seriously, are the New York Jets actually back? Sam Darnold threw a terrible pick 6 on his first real NFL snap and all hype came crashing back to earth like a real jet falling out of the sky. After that though the Jets defense looked like the ’85 Bears and 2000 Ravens had a football baby with the Legion of Boom as the god father and made Mathew Stafford look like Christian Hackenburg. Five interceptions with one going to the house, a punt return td and overall domination had the Jets actually looking like they knew what the hell they were doing, a rare sight indeed. Toss in Isaiah Crowell averaging 10 yards a carry and going for 2 tds and The Darnold looking actually good after that opening snap, suddenly the Jets might actually have gotten it right. I’m as shocked as everyone else. The Lions could not have played worse, they might actually have the prize for worst opening week performance considering that the Bills already knew they were punting on 2018. New head coach and part time mall Santa Matt Patricia couldn’t use his rocket science nerd power to dig Detroit out of this one. Matt Stafford got hurt at one point too because that’s what Matt Stafford does best and the Lions are back to not having any run game, as if they ever did since Barry Sanders pulled the rip cord and got the hell out of Dodge. Jets 48 Lions 17

Rams @ Raiders: We’ll get to the game as a whole in a second but watching Marshawn Lynch still plow over NFL defenses like he did last night was amazing. He’s Ray Lewis playing running back. It makes me wonder if his early retirement was as much him reading the tea leaves and seeing that the Seahawks were a ticking time bomb and wanting to get out before it got ugly as it was his violent play style taking its toll. As for the rest of Chucky’s squad turns out the game plan wasn’t for them to take us back to 1990 and run the ball 60 times like we all thought it would be. Derek Carr ended up with 40 pass attempts on the night. In the first half Oakland came out on fire and took a somewhat surprising 13-10 lead into the locker room considering how high the expectations were for the Rams and low they were for the Raiders coming into week 1. After the intermission though the wheels started to come off for the silver and black. 17 total yards on offense in the 3rd quarter and 2 2nd half interceptions by Derek Carr is not going to get it done against a team as loaded as the Rams. For the L.A. team that I’m actually alright with referring to them by their location, things went pretty well. After a slow but competitive first half the win now program got fully installed and they put the clamps on Oakland in the 2nd. Hopefully that trend continues for the rest of this season because it’s not going to be too long before the roster is going to have to get blown up for cap reasons. The real takeaway from this game though is that Monday Night Football without listening to Gruden speaking football guy gibberish for the entire game just isn’t the same, but I can’t wait to hear the mic’d up clips from every Raider game this season. Rams 33 Raiders 13

How’d your fantasy team do to start the season? Yeah no one actually cares, we all would’ve won if we started that one guy and if all our aunts had dicks they’d be our uncles. We’re on to week 2.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter @LlFired

College Football Week 2: What We Learned

Week 1 scheduling in College Football was for the networks and ADs looking to cash in on our collective football starvation. Most of the match ups we saw were buzz worthy where top 25 teams scheduled a Power 5 opponent, a name the fans knew but a team the players and coaches didn’t fear, barring games like Miami-LSU and Notre Dame-Michigan. Week 2 featured a lot of non-bye week bye weeks where you get games with lines exceeding +50 almost too tempting for degenerate gamblers to pass up. It wasn’t all waxings though so let’s review the notes.

Trouble in Tallahassee?: Florida State STUNK last week against Virginia Tech, didn’t score a single touchdown. Up next is FCS Samford, exactly what the doctor ordered right? A game at home, in prime time against a team you’re clearly better than by miles. Florida State was supposed to come into Doak Walker and lay a whooping and get there season scoring margin looking nice and pretty, that’s what they were supposed to do. Not only did the Seminoles struggle with Samford, they were getting outplayed for 90% of the game and if it wasn’t for 2 tds in the final 5 minutes they’d be 0-2 and the state of Florida would burn to the ground. These little shockers happen every year where big time programs end up in a dog fight with an FCS team, we saw it week 1 when Penn St went into overtime against Appalachian St, and it usually ends up being just a funny footnote on the season and we all just give the classic horseshoes and hand grenades line. But after that piss poor performance in week 1 this feels a lot more like some real issues than just some stumbles out of the gate. We’ll really see where the Noles are next week when they come up to my town and take on Syracuse in the Dome. Coach Babers and the Orange are going to be looking to prove they’re legit this year and if Florida State doesn’t figure out what the hell is going on then it could get ugly.

Maybe the Game Hasn’t Moved Past Herm Edwards: John Gruden and Herm Edwards are both head coaches again and I’ll be honest in saying that I thought bringing in these walking sound bytes was a bit of a stretch. We’ll see how Gruden fairs in his opener now that he doesn’t have his superstar in Khalil Mack but Edwards actually seems to have something going. Not only did he debut a fantastic new football guy quote with “leave it all on the grass” but now 2 weeks into his Sun Devil stint he already has a signature win. A 16-13 win over top 25 Michigan St highlighted by a 13-0 4th quarter to comeback and win it is what cliche football coaches live for. You know he’ll be able to recruit because what 18 year old kid isn’t going to want to run through a brick wall after having a sit down with him in their parents living room. I bet Herm is a big sweet talker to the parents too, complimenting the mom’s cooking and looking at the Dad and saying something like “look at you, no wonder your son’s a stud seeing where he comes from.” Combine that with some real results between the sidelines and Arizona St could make a quick climb up the PAC-12 ladder.

I See You Jimbo: One of the stranger coaching changes from last season was Jimbo Fisher leaving Florida State for Texas A&M. After this week it looks like Jimbo may have just gotten out of a burning building in Tallahassee, plus A&M giving him a blank check probably didn’t hurt either. This week the Aggies lost at home against Clemson in what was for my money the best game of the week. A&M has been reeling since they entered the post Johnny Football era and it culminated when Kevin Sumlin was fired, the past few seasons have been marred by players leaving the program and overall mediocrity. When you play in the same division as Alabama, LSU, and Auburn that’s not going to get it done. A&M left the game with a loss but considering they came into it as 12.5 point underdogs, a 2 point loss with a potential tie slipping away on a failed 2 point attempt in the final minute is certainly noteworthy. I’m not a fan of moral victories but Kyle Field is one of the best home field atmospheres and if Coach Fisher can build on this then the SEC West just got that much stronger.

Rutgers Should Probably Stop Playing Ohio State: Ohio State is a perennial national powerhouse even without Urban Meyer on the sidelines, Rutgers is not that. When these teams play calling Rutgers a D-1 college football team seems like a stretch. Ohio State crushed Rutgers 52-3 this week and since 2014 in 5 match ups Ohio State has outscored Rutgers 271-27. I know being in the same division forces this annual trip to the woodshed to occur but for the sake of the children Rutgers should probably just stay home and if the games scheduled to be played at Rutgers they should go to Columbus and say they misread the schedule. The seniors on that team have only seen 1 touchdown scored against the Buckeyes in 4 years, what the hell does that coaching staff tell them leading up to this game? I imagine practice this week sounded like this, “this is our year boys, I can feel it!” “Screw off I’m just trying to not end up in a hospital this week.”

The air’s getting colder and campuses all around the country are strong with the scent of Natty Light. Win or lose we still booze! See ya next week.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

What We Learned From Week 1 of College Football

Football is so back it hurts. This first week of action is like that first pregame beer on a Friday night after a week of slaving away in the cube farm, might not be the best one of the night but goddamn does it feel good to finally get it in your system. Were the match-ups from this week the biggest we’ll see this year? No, but that still doesn’t mean that we didn’t learn a few things and pick up on a few possible trends to keep an eye on as the leave begin to change colors and marching bands play on. In no particular order:

-Texas = Not Back: Hey that didn’t take too long did it? Seems like every year since Mack Brown parted ways with Texas the Longhorns are at the forefront of preseason buzz. Sure they still manage to recruit with the best of them but for some reason it just doesn’t seem to work once the fans are in the stands. Back to back years now with opening losses to Maryland is not what makes a former national powerhouse back. On that note, what an incredible win that is for Maryland. The status of Texas aside after all of the turmoil going on within the Terps over the past few weeks following the death of Jordan McNair. I can’t even imagine what was going on through the minds of Maryland’s players as they lined up with 10 men on the field to open the game to honor McNair. Then to go out and get the win is something else. Watch out for Maryland, they’re playing for something bigger this year.

-LSU is Not Messing Around: Football’s favorite Cajun Coach O had his bayou bengals ready to roll against Miami and man was it a real ass whooping. It’s weird to think that LSU came into this season pretty quietly since for so long they’ve been a talking point either because they seemed like the best challenger to Alabama or because Les Miles was a rather polarizing figure in college football. But following a relatively lackluster season and not having a dominate NFL bound running back to talk about LSU found themselves in the “yeah they’ll be solid but nothing special” category. That tone will probably have to change a bit now after their 33-17 win over Miami where 14 of those 17 points came late in the game and LSU went into clock killing mode and Malik Rosier connected on some deep balls. Now was this outcome being a surprise the product of Miami being overhyped or LSU being underrated? Most likely the answer lies within a combination of both. One things for sure though, LSU’s defense is ready to lay some beat downs this season and they might actually have a QB that can get it done in Joe Burrow.

-Eric Dungey is Good at Football: Dungey’s my guy so I had to slip this one in somewhere, but it’s actually warranted. A Friday night matchup of Syracuse and Western Michigan doesn’t really move the needle on a national scale but man it was a doozy. Syracuse dominated the first half to the tune of 34-10 and actually benched Dungey with a few minutes left in the 2nd but then as soon as the 3rd quarter started the game took a complete 180 and WM made it a 34-28 game before Dino Babers put his starting QB back in the game. From that point on Syracuse regained control en route to a 55-42 win resembling a score from a Syracuse Basketball game. The clear difference in this game was Eric Dungey and the difference he makes when he’s on the field. He’s not the most accurate passer, he doesn’t have blazing speed like Lamar Jackson did, but for some reason he’s just the right combination of something that makes him the type of backyard football all-star that makes opposing DCs nervous. He only completed 7 of 17 passes but still managed to put up 184 yards and rushed for 200 more with 3 touchdowns and the offense scored all 55 points with him on the field. With the tempo that Syracuse runs Dungey is going to have plenty of opportunities to put up big time numbers it’ll just be a matter of if he can stay healthy, he’s a senior and has never played in a game after November 7th.

-Jim Harbaugh’s Seat is Starting to Warm Up: A one possession loss to a team a lot of people picked to sneak into the playoffs really shouldn’t be grounds for murmurs for a hot seat but Coach Kaki isn’t your typical coach and Michigan isn’t your typical program. Compared to what Michigan was under Rich Rod and Brady Hoke they are no doubt better with Harbaugh as their head coach but the bar was set up in the clouds when he was brought in. 8-8 in his last 16 and really no signature wins yet in his tenure will not sit well with Michigan’s fan base because at the end of the day they’re looking at teams in their conference like Ohio State, Michigan State, and Wisconsin and thinking why the hell aren’t they on that level. Maybe this is just a bump in the road and Michigan will actually make a jump this year, lord knows all will be forgiving with a win against the Scarlet and Gray. We’ll have to wait and see but you can’t combine the expectations set forth with the circus Jim Harbaugh brings with his personality type casted for an over the top cartoon football coach and consistently find yourself sitting with Texas saying “next year is our year.”

-Turnover Props will Burn Bright but Fast: Chains, boxing gloves, a throne, plank from Ed, Edd, ‘n Eddy and Mardi Gras beads aren’t just what I like to call a fun Tuesday night. Last season The U brought back the Miami Vice flair that was their trademark during their peak in the 80’s and 90’s with the turnover chain and set the world on fire. From references in rap songs and around the clock chatter on every national sports talk platform the turnover chain was the smash sensation of the 2017 season and naturally copy cats have emerged. I actually like the turnover prop idea, you make a big time play go get your shine on son. I can’t hate on some 18-22 year old dude wanting to strut their stuff if they can back it up. But this just isn’t sustainable, I previously wrote about how the student loan bubble will soon burst and send us back to the Stone Age and I got a feeling that we’re looking at a prop bubble in college football. The biggest issue here is whether or not Miami is really back to their days of old. They got the brakes beaten off of them against LSU to the point where they were mocking turnover chain with a sweaty towel. If Miami slides back into being a good team but one that doesn’t really strike fear into other teams then the sky high level of flash the comes with the turnover chain will just be way to easy to mock. Yeah wearing a chain fit for a Two Chainz video is cool but have you ever tried having Coach Saban not threaten to kidnap your family and burn your house down for being 6 inches out of position? If the turnover chain dies then the rest of the props eventually die with it right?

Week 1 is in the books, see ya next Saturday to do it all over again. I’ll bring the beer.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

‘Twas the Night Before College Football

‘Twas the night before college football, when all through the land no one was on the field, not even the band.

The goal post were raised, by the end zone with care. In the hopes that Lane Kiffin would be there;

The players were nestled all snug in their bed, while visions of Kirby and The Coach danced in their heads;

And Harbagh in his kakis, and Malzan in his vest, had just settled down for a quick pregame rest.

When out on the campus there arose sounds that elate, fans had already gone out to the lot to tailgate.

Away to the stadium I flew like a flash, tore through the banner and fireworks did flash.

The moon was on the breast of fresh cut grass, gave the luster of linebackers ready to whoop some ass.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear, but a running back, he turned the corner and was in the clear.

With short choppy steps, so dynamic and quick, he was moving like someone’s thumb was on the joystick.

More rapid than Bryce Love he charged to the endzone, and he called out the names of coaches ascending the throne.

“Now, Dino! Now, Dabo! Now, Gundy and Kelly! On, Fisher! On, Frost! On, Saban! On, Leach!

To the top of the poll! Now dive on the ball!

Have Phyllis from Mulga go tell PAUL!”

As yellow flags that nosy referees let fly, when met with adversity, the team never says die.

So up to the playoffs their game plans they drew, with a bag full of tricks, Coach Kiffin has two.

And then, in a rumbling, I heard in the stands, the roar of a crowd and clapping of hands.

As they rose to their feet, creating quite a sound, out of the tunnel Coach Kiffin came with a bound.

He was dressed in Adidas from his visor to shoes, and his players well coached at positions they choose.

A call sheet of plays he had gripped in his hand, and he looked like a general ready to command.

His plays — how they wowed! His schemes how cunning!

Play fakes like magic, defense never saw it coming.

His QB was set, in a pocket so clean, surrounded by linemen, so big, strong, so mean.

His headset held tight gripping over his ear, he was focused, the crowd may have not been here.

He had luscious locks and a smile so sly, it’s no wonder recruits see him and say “that’s my guy.”

He was clever and funny, a true modern day coach, sound bites galore when the media approach.

A change of play, a quick scan of the field, the fans need not worry, his offense won’t yield.

He spoke not a word, but simply winked his eye, this subtle note told his QB to let it fly.

And before the snap he already knew, a touchdown scored and they’ll go for two.

He leapt off his feet, to his team gave a cheer, for the owls knew this one would be their year.

But I heard him exclaim, as they celebrated into the night.

“WHERE ARE YOU SABAN, WE’LL GIVE BAMA A FIGHT!”

Football is back baby.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired