College Football Week 3: What We Learned

Another week has come and gone and now that a quarter of the regular season is in the books hot starts turn to sky high expectations, continued struggles become demands to clean house, and some teams are just sticking to the script. I have a first hand story to tell this week so lets run through some quick hits first.

-The Death Star is Fully Operational: Alabama came into the season with the most annoying quarterback controversy I’ve ever seen. Either you go with Jalen Hurts who started his career 27-2 and made it to back to back national championships as a freshman and sophomore, or Tua Tugoviloa who won a national championship as a freshman by coming in at halftime to put the team on his back like Bobby Bucher. Captain Insano shows no mercy and neither does Bama when Tua is at the helm. The Tide was up 49-7 at halftime against Ole Miss and I’m ready to declare this a scorched earth season for Alabama. The media angered Nick Saban with the constant QB questions and now his mission is to steamroll everyone in his path for the sole purpose of giving Hurts garbage time snaps to rack up his own All-Conference stat lines.

-Cancel Rutgers: I said last week the Rutgers should just stop playing Ohio State because no one should have to endure that type of consistent abuse. Well after a 55-14 loss to Kansas it’s time to widen that net. I’m pretty sure Kansas has a football team only because the Big 12 requires them to have one. They have been a non-bye week bye week for the Big 12 for years now so where do you go from here if you’re Rugters? Watching Rutgers play is like watching Apollo Creed get his brains beat in by Ivan Drago, I’ll do what Rocky couldn’t and toss in the towel before we need to call the paramedics.

-Coach O is a Gift to College Football: LSU opened a lot of eyes after their week 1 drubbing of Miami and after a comeback win on the road against #7 Auburn LSU is for real. The best part about LSU climbing the college football ranks is that we’re going to get all the Coach O we can. I love a good locker room speech but there’s just something about hearing a guy the sounds like Cookie Monster after chain smoking a pack of marbs scream “FUCK THEM” that puts a smile on my face. We already have great Ed Ogeron stories like how at USC he was still recruiting when there was no coaching staff and how he used to eat cups of coleslaw for breakfast, now that there’s going to be even more media surrounding the Tigers I can’t wait for what’s next.

Now it’s time for what ya boy learned this weekend from his own experience. I went to the Syracuse-Florida State game on Saturday and the rumors are true, the Seminoles STINK. It was 6-0 Cuse at halftime and it was no doubt the most one sided 6-0 game I’ve ever seen. Florida State still has a roster full of 4 and 5 star recruits but somehow Willie Tagart has managed to turn them into St. Marry’s School for the Blind. Two weeks ago Western Michigan managed to put up 621 yards and 42 point on Syracuse’s defense. Even Wagner managed to score 10. Florida State had 240 total yards and only scored 7 points. Deandre Francois was taking such a whooping that he was telling his lineman to fuck off when they would try to help him up. Tagart said his offense was “lethal simplicity” which apparently means “too dumb to breath.” Stick that flaming spear in the ‘Noles THEY. ARE. DONE.

On the other sideline, Cuse is back baby. I’m ready to sign that in blood now. I was in the broadcast booth last year when Syracuse beat Clemson on Friday the 13th and could see that Dino Babers was actually building something real even if it didn’t always show up on the scoreboard. The past few years the wheels would fall off for Syracuse around the mid point of the season because Eric Dungey couldn’t stay healthy and behind him wasn’t much. Well Dungey missing snaps due to injury came earlier than expected but Tommy Devito stepped in and kept things rolling leading the offense to 24 2nd half points. Devito struggled a bit when he got garbage time snaps in the past 2 weeks but his performance on Saturday has got to be a huge boost to the young pup’s confidence. The defense in the past managed to find ways to struggle no matter what the caliber of opponent they were up against. That was not the case this time around mainly because their front 4 dominated from start to finish. To top it all off, Coach Babers delivered another classic locker room speech where he managed to temporarily replace my hangover with pure adrenaline by talking about the weather.

On the topic of that hangover. Knowing I’d be going to a nooner the next day I decided to spend Friday night living it up like an undergrad. I was at a Cuse bar named Harry’s the night before with a buddy because his frat had a bar tab there. Harry’s seemed a lot nicer than the last time I was there, probably because they cleaned up the river of piss flowing from the bathroom that’s connected to the middle of the dance floor (classy) and also moved the main entrance from inside a CVS (very classy) to around the corner. Here’s a tip, if someone tells you to order a drink called “Electric Gatorade” just don’t. I don’t know what was in it but the next morning I was praying for the sweet release of death. Combine that with the 100 degree heat and 100% humidity inside the Carrier Dome, I was way closer to booting on the little girl sitting next to me than I’d like to admit. It was so hot and humid in there that some concessions stands were running out of bottled water by halftime. There’s nothing like the Dome when it’s packed and the crowd is feeling it but if it’s going to be a real home field advantage then it can’t be a health risk to go to a game. Figure it out folks.

Never order a drink if it’s the same color as the matching shooter sleeve and Kyries the annoying rich kid at the YMCA is rocking. Next week I’ll stick to what’s on tap.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

Contraceptives Are Not Bookmarks

If I had to describe my employment history in one word, it’d be strange. It started out pretty normal, when I was 15 I was a dishwasher at the same restaurant as my brothers but that came to an abrupt end over the course of a few hours where my brothers and I all got fired, rehired, and quit in the span of 3 hours. All stemming from me having a tennis match scheduled for Mother’s Day.

From that point on it got weird. I was a librarian for 2 years, a brief stint as a tennis instructor, a few summers teaching kids how to make candles at a nature preserve, the summer after high school I was painting fire hydrants, a few more doing landscaping, a couple years in a mail room, a summer as a locomotive engineer in bum fuck no where Pennsylvania, and now I sell boilers. My LinkedIn is a like a madlibs filled out in a drunken stupor. Last week I got offers for jobs as a middle school English teacher, product developer for Ford, and agender stripper. I have a try out at The Cashmere Dragon next Tuesday.

Today’s tale brings us back to the first one, my days as a librarian. My junior and senior years in high school were funded by my 20 hours a week at the local community library, and yes it’s fair to ask yourself “what kind of dude in high school is a librarian?” Answer: Ya boy over here. Let me tell ya, working in a library is a sweet deal. While you chumps were slaving away cleaning plates, saving fat kids from drowning while their parents had poolside limearitas, and asking paper or plastic. I was chilling in a library doing nothing. The only people who go to public libraries are old people who have been going there for decades and know where everything is and families where the parents don’t give a shit and the kids just flock to where ever the brightest colors are.

The only other people who worked there were grandmas who retired and were just looking to kill some time and fund their Wednesday night bingo habits. Grandmas are the best when they’re not showing the era they grew up in and dropping little breadcrumbs of racism, they’re always happy and every time they see you reset the wifi they make you feel like Albert Einstein. Plus it turns out a bunch of them had seasons tickets to Syracuse Basketball since the 80’s so we’d just pass the time debating Scoop vs Triche.

Everything about my time as a librarian I look back on rather fondly, except one thing. I was a librarian from 2012 to 2014, take a moment and really try to remember what was hot in the literary streets back then. Go ahead, take your time… Around this time was the great sexual awakening for middle aged suburban moms across the country thanks to 50 Shades of Grey.

Listen, I’m all for you doing you and if Mrs. Jones wants to draw a bubble bath, pour a tall glass of Merlot and have some personal time go right ahead. She earned it. Being a mother is the hardest job there is, besides being an agender stripper at The Cashmere Dragon. But there’s a point where this flipped from a fun trend to downright creepy and my personal line on that was when I was processing 50 copies of these books a day. If you think reading about mild BDSM is a good time then I have some links that would make you need a cigarette after just seeing the URL. Hit me up and I’ll pass them along @LlFired. It didn’t help that the 50 Shades books would always come back strategically hidden in a stack of 20 children’s books, like a modern day Trojan Horse. I know you weren’t wrangling up the Captain Underpants anthology and your version of Captain Underpants just happened to be laying on the same floor. Those were two separate collection periods, I know it, you know it, no shame in the game so let that freak flag fly.

One freak flag flew WAY too high when some depraved sexual monster decided to return a copy of 50 Shades Freed with what looked like a strawberry fruit rollup in a zip-lock bag sticking out of the top of the book. *Pause, the mystery bookmark was placed roughly midway through the story. Why? Did they sense the denouement wasn’t going to get them across the goal line so they decided to walk away and let their mind fill in the blanks for the time being and then go back for the sake of the plot? Did they hammer out about 200 pages of soft core erotica in a single session? This is what keeps me up at night. Resume* I can’t put a book back on the shelf with a bookmark still in it, that’s just not professional. So as a professional I pulled the place holder from it’s location and the bag felt a little oily to the touch. A closer inspection revealed that in my hand was a strawberry flavored dental dam. The oily feel was a result of the strawberry residue seeping through the bag and now my hand smelled like an old jolly rancher, it still does ever so faintly.

Now is when I’ll take a moment to fill in anyone who missed that one day in 8th grade health class where we got the Lisa Ann sexual starter kit. You remember it right? The paper bag with 3 lifestyle condoms in the colors of traffic lights, an unflavored dental dam (because if it was flavored then we’d have all been eating pink meat for lunch that day) and a single serve ketchup packet of lube you convinced the dumb kid to put on his chicken tenders. So dental dams are basically a piece of saran wrap you put over your consenting ladies business because you can’t eat gluten and she loaded up on bread sticks at Olive Garden. I’m pretty sure that’s how that works. No one is really certain about their true function because if someone has one in their personal possession outside of the one day in health class they’re a certified psychopath.

That brings us to this existential quandary, how did the dental dam end up in the book? The only possible reason I can think of without delving into the possibility of minors reading mild erotica, FBI please don’t break down my door (this actually happened with the previous owner of my parents house and now there’s a dent in the front door), is that there is some woman roaming CNY with such an excess of strawberry dental dams that they just have to find ways to use them or else their house will turn into a scene from hoarders with mountains of them piling up. Like beer distributor that uses boxes of damaged bud light to construct their furniture. One things for certain, this persons a menace to society and needs to be stopped. If you see something, say something.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

NFL Week 1 Recap

Technical difficulties kept this one in the oven a little bit longer than I wanted but I even with the extra crisp on the edges I promise it’s still delicious.

I said it before after week 1 of College Football but now that the big boys are in action football is OFFICIALLY back. It was all too perfect this weekend up here in CNY. Temperatures were in the low 60’s with a crisp breeze, hell on Sunday morning it was actually cold and I didn’t feel like a total piece of shit sitting on the couch in a pair of sweat pants all day. It just felt like pure, unadulterated, football and I love it. This was the first chance we got to see the real 32 teams populating the NFL this season so lets take it from the top.

Falcons @ Eagles: Holy cow that was a real stinker to start the season, for a while there I thought I misread my calendar and it was actually the last week of preseason. From all angles the first 3 1/2 quarters of this game were absolutely terrible. People will gush over the Philly Special take 2 The Electric Boogaloo but my first thought was that it’s probably not a great sign that you’re already dipping into the bag of tricks opening night just to get any amount of offense going. The Falcons must think that after giving Julio Jones all that money no one else on offense is allowed to get touches. Either that or Sark is back on his bullshit and has his old friend Jack Daniels helping him with play calls. Remember how we all thought the new helmet rule was going to destroy football and democracy as we know it? It actually didn’t make an appearance on opening night but the refs still managed to dominate tv time. 28 penalties were called and most of them were just because of undisciplined early season slop, but YIKES combine that with the hot doo doo play on the field and opening night probably couldn’t have been more of a dud. P.S. Catches are still a matter of opinion rather than fact so that’s cool. Eagles 18 Falcons 12

Bengals @ Colts: Andrew Luck and his super glued shoulder made their triumphant return to action and looked solid. The Colts really decided to put that team of surgeons work to the test though with 53 passing attempts which isn’t exactly what I would call ideal but then again I’m not an NFL coach or doctor. Without Marlon Mack playing the Colts couldn’t get much of a run game going so that obviously played into Luck’s Madden-esq workload. Everyone who made the easiest bet in the world that the first player to be ejected this season would be a Bengals player please take your tickets to the sportsbook window to collect your winnings. All stereotypes being validated aside the Bengals looked decent enough to get Coach Jones another contract extension. Andy Dalton a.k.a. The Red Rifle was sharp going 21/28 and 2 td, Joe Mixon seemed to step into the lead back role, and tiger stripes managed to pull off the road win. Bengals 34 Colts 23

Titans @ Dolphins: Mike Varbel seems like the type of football coach that would tell a player who just woke up from a coma to rub some dirt on it and get back in there but a little bit of lightning and suddenly it’s time to shut it down. Seriously, I thought this game wouldn’t actually end and we would finally see a Madden simulation determine the outcome of an actual NFL game. What a kick in the nuts it ended up being for the Titans. Wait for hours during multiple weather delays only to see Marcus Mariota go out with an elbow injury where apparently he lost feeling in his fingers and Delanie Walker’s ankle exploded, AND they lost to the Dolphins. All things considered that’s a pretty shitty Sunday. For the Dolphins they start the post Smokin’ Jay era with an okay win. Not much can be said about a game in which actual gameflow was nonexistent. But this was Ryan Tannehill’s first game back and he pick things up right where he left them off which is somewhere straddling the Dalton Line. Dolphins 27 Titans 20

Steelers @ Browns: THE BROWNS ARE UNDEFEATED IN THE 2018-19 SEASON…they also haven’t won a game yet but no doubt we saw progress. When this game went into overtime I knew we were going to see it end in a tie because isn’t that the best story line? The Browns hit peak Browns by getting a game winning field goal blocked in the final seconds and give Cleveland the biggest football blue balls since Steve McNair got tackled at the 1 and the Steelers will soon be leading the league in dislocated fingers after how hard they’ll be pointing them at Leveon Bell for not playing. James Connor actually had a great game worthy of giving Pittsburgh confidence that they’ll be okay post-Bell but wow that result has to hurt. I won’t make any predictions on how good the Browns will actually be this year because the Hard Knocks magic might wear off after 1 week but no doubt this was a step in the right direction. Brown 21 Steelers 21

49ers @ Vikings: So Jimmy G isn’t perfect, well he’s still a perfect human specimen that has a 1000 watt smile, perfect hair, eyes you get lost in, and makes it wiggle just a little bit and… Football, back to football. Yeah so the 9ers probably aren’t winning the Superbowl this season, they probably won’t win their division either with the Rams seemingly turning off the salary cap. Oddly enough Garoppolo has actually thrown as many touchdowns and interceptions in a 49ers uniform, no doubt he passes the eye test but you’d think he was MVP last year the way people have been talking about him. Now that there’s actual film out there on 10 in red we’ll probably see him struggle at times in a way you’d expect to see a QB with only 9 career starts struggle, especially going up against a loaded defense like the Vikings. For Minnesota, Kirk Cousins looked solid in his first game wearing purple. Cousins isn’t a superstar level QB despite what his contract says but he’s consistently pretty good which will absolutely be enough to make the Vikings a legit Superbowl contender. Vikings 24 49ers 16

Texans @ Patriots: Tom Brady finally went over the cliff, unfortunately for the rest of the NFL he is not a mortal man and is now soaring over the ravine his nay-sayers were expecting to find him plummeting into. There were a lot of questions regarding the crew around TB12 after the departures of Dion Lewis, Brandin Cooks, and Julian Edleman’s suspension but the machine marched on. Gronk did Gronk stuff with 123 yards and a td, 3 different running backs got carries along with Cordarrelle Paterson getting a few gadget plays, and Phillip Dorset actually managed to contribute. The surprise here is that the Patriots’ defense actually managed to get pressure and not get diced up, it’s been a while since we’ve seen New England be able to get pressure when only rushing 4. For the Texans this was the return of some of their most important players in Deshaun Watson, JJ Watt and Whitney Mercilus (still possibly the best football name in the business) and there was certainly some rust. Watson didn’t look quiet as comfortable as he normally did fumbling on the first play because of some uncertainty on a read option and overall he seemed to struggle with pocket awareness. JJ Watt was quite for a while but then really turned it up in the 2nd half and making it hard on the Patriots’ o-line, a great sign because once Watt and Clowney get it going that defense is going to win some games for Houston on its own. Patriots 27 Texans 20

Jaguars @ Giants: Jaylen Ramsey lead the NFL preseason in headlines by taking shots at seemingly every offensive player in the league. Things didn’t go exactly as planned for Ramsey in the opener when OBJ went for 111 yards on 11 catches (that’s a lot of 1s, neat). It’s not all on Ramsey since the two weren’t matched up man-to-man on every play but that was kind of a weak move after the game when Jaylen took to Twitter to play the “football is a team game” card when he’s been taking personal shots at every player he could name. Elsewhere on the field, Bortles looked like Bortles going for 176 yards 1 td and 1 int, and Leonard Fournette went down with a bad hammy but reports are saying that he’ll be find. The Jags defense is still really good, really fast, and really good. As I alluded to earlier OBJ seems to be fully recovered from his broken ankle which is big if the Giants want to keep Eli from REALLY showing his age. If you take away the 11 for 111 to OBJ the better looking(?) Manning brother went just 12/26 for 113 yards and an int. In Eli’s defense the Jags defense tends to do that to QBs so lets not write his obituary just yet. That Barkley guy played too and I’m not quite sure what to make of his performance. 18 carrier for 108 yards and a td looks pretty good but 68 of those yards and the td came on one play in the 4th. That was the kind of running back he was though at Penn State, maybe not the best per carry but he’ll be a threat to make a homerun play every time he touches the ball. Jaguars 20 Giants 15

Bucs @ Saints: Ryan Fitzpatrick you sneaky son of a bitch, turns out him stinking it up his last year in New York and backing up in Tampa was just his way of letting the rest of the NFL have a chance. In all seriousness whoever says they saw this coming is a dirty liar. The Saints even when they were just Brees dragging a team kicking and screaming to 7-9 were unbeatable in the dome and after last year with them suddenly having a defense and the 2nd coming in Alvin Kamara of course they’d be one of the best teams in football. Turns out Fitzmagic was spending the whole offseason using that Harvard brain of his to figure out how to turn the Saints back into the Aints. New Orleans still looked great on offense putting up 40. Brees was Brees throwing for over 400 yards and Kamara picked things up right where he left off rushing for 2 tds and adding in over 100 yards and a td receiving. I don’t want to put too much stock in one game, especially an opening week game where defense was optional so I think the Saints will be alright but what happens when Crab Legs comes back if Fitzy stays hot for the next few weeks? Stay tuned. Buccaneers 48 Saints 40

Bills @ Ravens: Well last season was fun, right Bills Mafia? It sucks for the Bills but if we’re being honest here they pretty much stumbled, or more fittingly fell off an RV and through a folding table, into the playoffs last year thanks to Red Rifle screwing over a division rival on a prayer. The Bills were going to be stuck in the 6-10 to 8-8 hell known as NFL purgatory for the next few years and so rather than that they decided to blow it up and try to build something real. Except they didn’t just blow it up, they dropped the goddamn czar bomb. In 2017 Nathan Peterman made JP Lossman look like Jim Kelly by comparison and now that’s who the Bills are rolling with unless they want to throw Josh Allen out to the wolves with nothing around him. If there’s any positive here it’s that Bills Mafia will only be getting drunker and more reckless, I might even have to make a road trip to The Ralph to get a taste of the madness myself. For the Ravens it’s hard to draw any real conclusions from this, no running backs rushed for over 50 yards and no receivers had over 50 yards, so maybe they’re the most well rounded team in NFL history. If were being honest here I don’t know how good the Ravens are because I like everyone else don’t know how good Joe Flacco is. A ’99 Camry looks like the hottest whip on the block when you compare it to a tricycle that’s missing two wheels. Ravens 47 Bills 3

Chiefs @ Chargers: I’m sorry I doubted Patrick Mahomes. Alex Smith had the reputation of being Charlie Check Down (not necessarily true) but now Mahomes will surly be named heir to the gunslinger throne. It doesn’t hurt to have Tyreek Hill, who’s faster than a roadrunner on meth, to play impromptu game of “let’s see how far I can throw and you try to catch it” with. Hill continued to prove he’s a real life video game when he opened up the scoring with a 91 yard punt return td and then followed that up with 169 yards and 2 more tds. The Chargers continue to forget that the regular season starts in September. They were getting smoked like the medical marijuana NFL players dream of going into the 4th down 31-12. Despite the Chargers (I may never refer to them as Los Angles because that still sounds weird) offense struggling to score for most of the game, Philip Rivers still put up a monster game with 424 yards and 3 tds. The Chargers are supposed to be this years “don’t let the boys get hot” team which could still be true but this was not the start Rivers was looking to bring home to his herd of children. Chiefs 38 Chargers 26

Seahawks @ Broncos: Three years ago this would’ve been the prime time crown juul NFL opening weekend but now in 2018 this game had a much different tone going in. The Broncos have officially abandoned all QBs drafted by John Elway, $w@g Kelly 2019, and brought in one year wonder Case Kenum to try and right the ship. What did Keenum do? He threw for 300 yards and 3 tds but 3 ints too, another performance that makes me go eh. It feels like Emmanuel Sanders has been around for 15 years now but apparently it’s only his 9th and hes still chugging along with a cool 135 yards and a td. Rookie running backs Phillip Lindsey and Royce Freeman actually put up identical stat lines with 71 yards on 15 carries which is kind of neat. The Seahawks are trying the best to not fully implode like a dying star after burning so bright. Clearly things aren’t all sunshine and gumdrops in Seattle following the departure of former cornerstones like Richard Sherman, Cam Chancellor, and Earl Thomas making it VERY clear that he wants out. Russel Wilson is great enough to keep this team from completely bottoming out but as shown by the 6 times he got sacked and 59 yards rushing put up by Seahawks other than Wilson there’s a lot of holes in this boat. Broncos 27 Seahawks 24

Cowboys @ Panthers: Is Dak whack? That is the question that will plague us all this season. I’m not sure but until we know for sure the Dak is not whack for the love of god can we get someone else playing in the FOX 4:15 time slot, for the love of Joe Buck I beg you. The Cowboys o-line is banged up right now and this is the first game where they don’t have Dez to drop passes so it wasn’t a surprise to see their offense struggle. Maybe not this much but at least a little. Zeke rushed for 69 yards, nice. If there’s any positive takeaways for Jerry and the boys it’s that their defense looked pretty good keeping Cam and McCaffrey in check. Christain McCaffrey has officially been given the lead back role by the Panthers and he lead Carolina in receptions, receiving yards, and rushes/rush yards by players not rocking a post game wardrobe pulled from Elton John’s closet. I know everyone’s been working on their ebony and ivory/Eminem and Tiger Woods jokes but let’s be patient on this. Panthers 16 Cowboys 8

Bears @ Packers: The Monsters of the Midway are very much back with newly acquired one man wrecking crew Khalil Mack teaming up with Roquan Smith and an already good Bears defense. It took one half of football for every Raiders fan in America to bust out the sadness booze after watching Mack have a sack, fumble recovery, interception, and a touchdown in the same game. The only other player that’s done that was *checks the almanac* Khalil Mack, yeah you pay this guy whatever the fuck he wants. Unfortunately for Chicago The Boogey Man still plays for the Packers. For a little while it looked like Bears finally conquered their demons when Rodgers had to be taken out on the meat wagon after a knee injury. Guess what though? Rodgers came back on one leg, did Rodges shit and the Packers outscored the Bears 21-3 in the 4th. A comeback capped off by a broken play catch and run by Randall Cobb that seemingly only the Packers manage to pull off. Seriously I know Rodgers is historically great, but the constant hail marries and wild finishes rather than methodical comebacks leads me to believe that Rodgers either sold his soul to the devil or he has a horseshoe shoved so far up his ass he can taste it when he burps. Stay woke, Rodgers wasn’t actually hurt, he just pulled a Paul Pierce and crapped his pants after getting planted by Mack and called for the wagon as cover up. Packers 24 Bears 23

Jets @ Lions: Are the Jets back? No, seriously, are the New York Jets actually back? Sam Darnold threw a terrible pick 6 on his first real NFL snap and all hype came crashing back to earth like a real jet falling out of the sky. After that though the Jets defense looked like the ’85 Bears and 2000 Ravens had a football baby with the Legion of Boom as the god father and made Mathew Stafford look like Christian Hackenburg. Five interceptions with one going to the house, a punt return td and overall domination had the Jets actually looking like they knew what the hell they were doing, a rare sight indeed. Toss in Isaiah Crowell averaging 10 yards a carry and going for 2 tds and The Darnold looking actually good after that opening snap, suddenly the Jets might actually have gotten it right. I’m as shocked as everyone else. The Lions could not have played worse, they might actually have the prize for worst opening week performance considering that the Bills already knew they were punting on 2018. New head coach and part time mall Santa Matt Patricia couldn’t use his rocket science nerd power to dig Detroit out of this one. Matt Stafford got hurt at one point too because that’s what Matt Stafford does best and the Lions are back to not having any run game, as if they ever did since Barry Sanders pulled the rip cord and got the hell out of Dodge. Jets 48 Lions 17

Rams @ Raiders: We’ll get to the game as a whole in a second but watching Marshawn Lynch still plow over NFL defenses like he did last night was amazing. He’s Ray Lewis playing running back. It makes me wonder if his early retirement was as much him reading the tea leaves and seeing that the Seahawks were a ticking time bomb and wanting to get out before it got ugly as it was his violent play style taking its toll. As for the rest of Chucky’s squad turns out the game plan wasn’t for them to take us back to 1990 and run the ball 60 times like we all thought it would be. Derek Carr ended up with 40 pass attempts on the night. In the first half Oakland came out on fire and took a somewhat surprising 13-10 lead into the locker room considering how high the expectations were for the Rams and low they were for the Raiders coming into week 1. After the intermission though the wheels started to come off for the silver and black. 17 total yards on offense in the 3rd quarter and 2 2nd half interceptions by Derek Carr is not going to get it done against a team as loaded as the Rams. For the L.A. team that I’m actually alright with referring to them by their location, things went pretty well. After a slow but competitive first half the win now program got fully installed and they put the clamps on Oakland in the 2nd. Hopefully that trend continues for the rest of this season because it’s not going to be too long before the roster is going to have to get blown up for cap reasons. The real takeaway from this game though is that Monday Night Football without listening to Gruden speaking football guy gibberish for the entire game just isn’t the same, but I can’t wait to hear the mic’d up clips from every Raider game this season. Rams 33 Raiders 13

How’d your fantasy team do to start the season? Yeah no one actually cares, we all would’ve won if we started that one guy and if all our aunts had dicks they’d be our uncles. We’re on to week 2.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter @LlFired

College Football Week 2: What We Learned

Week 1 scheduling in College Football was for the networks and ADs looking to cash in on our collective football starvation. Most of the match ups we saw were buzz worthy where top 25 teams scheduled a Power 5 opponent, a name the fans knew but a team the players and coaches didn’t fear, barring games like Miami-LSU and Notre Dame-Michigan. Week 2 featured a lot of non-bye week bye weeks where you get games with lines exceeding +50 almost too tempting for degenerate gamblers to pass up. It wasn’t all waxings though so let’s review the notes.

Trouble in Tallahassee?: Florida State STUNK last week against Virginia Tech, didn’t score a single touchdown. Up next is FCS Samford, exactly what the doctor ordered right? A game at home, in prime time against a team you’re clearly better than by miles. Florida State was supposed to come into Doak Walker and lay a whooping and get there season scoring margin looking nice and pretty, that’s what they were supposed to do. Not only did the Seminoles struggle with Samford, they were getting outplayed for 90% of the game and if it wasn’t for 2 tds in the final 5 minutes they’d be 0-2 and the state of Florida would burn to the ground. These little shockers happen every year where big time programs end up in a dog fight with an FCS team, we saw it week 1 when Penn St went into overtime against Appalachian St, and it usually ends up being just a funny footnote on the season and we all just give the classic horseshoes and hand grenades line. But after that piss poor performance in week 1 this feels a lot more like some real issues than just some stumbles out of the gate. We’ll really see where the Noles are next week when they come up to my town and take on Syracuse in the Dome. Coach Babers and the Orange are going to be looking to prove they’re legit this year and if Florida State doesn’t figure out what the hell is going on then it could get ugly.

Maybe the Game Hasn’t Moved Past Herm Edwards: John Gruden and Herm Edwards are both head coaches again and I’ll be honest in saying that I thought bringing in these walking sound bytes was a bit of a stretch. We’ll see how Gruden fairs in his opener now that he doesn’t have his superstar in Khalil Mack but Edwards actually seems to have something going. Not only did he debut a fantastic new football guy quote with “leave it all on the grass” but now 2 weeks into his Sun Devil stint he already has a signature win. A 16-13 win over top 25 Michigan St highlighted by a 13-0 4th quarter to comeback and win it is what cliche football coaches live for. You know he’ll be able to recruit because what 18 year old kid isn’t going to want to run through a brick wall after having a sit down with him in their parents living room. I bet Herm is a big sweet talker to the parents too, complimenting the mom’s cooking and looking at the Dad and saying something like “look at you, no wonder your son’s a stud seeing where he comes from.” Combine that with some real results between the sidelines and Arizona St could make a quick climb up the PAC-12 ladder.

I See You Jimbo: One of the stranger coaching changes from last season was Jimbo Fisher leaving Florida State for Texas A&M. After this week it looks like Jimbo may have just gotten out of a burning building in Tallahassee, plus A&M giving him a blank check probably didn’t hurt either. This week the Aggies lost at home against Clemson in what was for my money the best game of the week. A&M has been reeling since they entered the post Johnny Football era and it culminated when Kevin Sumlin was fired, the past few seasons have been marred by players leaving the program and overall mediocrity. When you play in the same division as Alabama, LSU, and Auburn that’s not going to get it done. A&M left the game with a loss but considering they came into it as 12.5 point underdogs, a 2 point loss with a potential tie slipping away on a failed 2 point attempt in the final minute is certainly noteworthy. I’m not a fan of moral victories but Kyle Field is one of the best home field atmospheres and if Coach Fisher can build on this then the SEC West just got that much stronger.

Rutgers Should Probably Stop Playing Ohio State: Ohio State is a perennial national powerhouse even without Urban Meyer on the sidelines, Rutgers is not that. When these teams play calling Rutgers a D-1 college football team seems like a stretch. Ohio State crushed Rutgers 52-3 this week and since 2014 in 5 match ups Ohio State has outscored Rutgers 271-27. I know being in the same division forces this annual trip to the woodshed to occur but for the sake of the children Rutgers should probably just stay home and if the games scheduled to be played at Rutgers they should go to Columbus and say they misread the schedule. The seniors on that team have only seen 1 touchdown scored against the Buckeyes in 4 years, what the hell does that coaching staff tell them leading up to this game? I imagine practice this week sounded like this, “this is our year boys, I can feel it!” “Screw off I’m just trying to not end up in a hospital this week.”

The air’s getting colder and campuses all around the country are strong with the scent of Natty Light. Win or lose we still booze! See ya next week.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

One Age for the Rest of your Life

A friend of mine tossed out an interesting hypothetical the other day. If you could be one age for the rest of your life what would it be? As is the case with any hypothetical you have to lay some ground rules first so that way we’re all playing the same game. So here’s what I’ve got for rules:

1. You don’t age physically

2. It’s not a live forever type of deal. Average life expectancy is something like 80 years so you’re still clocking out at 80 but for you’re time on this Earth you’re whatever age you picked.

3. Whatever age you pick you’re in that stage of life. You’re not picking 21 and then progressing through life like you normally would. No baby faced Fortune 500 CEOs in this hypothetical.

Alright now that that’s settled let’s take a look at the contenders.

-Anything under 18 get the fuck out of here. Congrats on being captain of the football, team no one cares.

-College Aged 18-22: Ah to go back to the glory days. Party all night, sleep all day. You’re only real responsibility on a day to day basis is to make sure you’re still breathing that same time tomorrow. I get why people say they’re never gonna leave that place, but everything’s not all peaches and cream. Keeping up the the b.s. of classes already was gettin old after 4 years and I’m not trying to be scrap for cash where I’m drinking beer that gives me diarrhea because that’s all I can afford. I want to make that choice under my own fruition. Every answer is going to have pros and cons and I just feel like there are better options out there.

-23-26: Have fun being too broke to ball out and too young for people to take you seriously.

-27-29: My pick was 27 and I’ll tell you why. Supposedly your mid to late 20’s is when you’re at your biological peak, I don’t know how true that is but I’ll take the nerds word for it. You’ve been in the cube game long enough to where you’re above an entry level pay grade but not long enough to be trusted with much real responsibility, managing a couple interns or something. Yeah I bitch about the 8-5 grind but it fills the hours and if I’m not going to be broke for the other hours of the day then I can be alright with that. Late 20’s is also the last opportunity you have where you can act recklessly at times and not have society look down on you too much for it. Play your cards right you’re living in a B-level romcom. Dirty little secret for ya boy is that I’m a BIG romcom guy so maybe that’s noodling around in the back of my head as I write this but I don’t care. I’m in.

-30-39: Anyone who I know that’s turned 30 or is on the precipice of their 30’s talks about it like they’re awaiting a guaranteed cancer diagnosis. Given how this decade starts I can’t imagine it getting much better as it goes on. I’m out.

-40-49: hahahahaha

-50-64: I was going to dismiss this bracket like the 40’s but I think there’s something to be said about the mid-late 50’s. The kids are probably gone by now screwing up their own lives, you and the Mrs. are out recapturing your youth. Salaries looking pretty good these days now that your career is much closer to its conclusion than its beginning. It still probably isn’t the right pick since you’re still grinding out the work life and you’re at the point where things start to break down on you but there’s an argument there for sure.

-65: For the sake of avoiding a rabbit hole we’ll say 65 is retirement age. It’s like another shot at college life minus classes plus actually having financial assets to throw around. There’s a point where you just get old enough where you’re no longer obligated to give a shit because anything you do can be attributed to “oh he’s just old and set in his ways.” Not a bad deal and I hear that STDs run rampant in retirement communities like Raider Rash at Texas Tech (there’s an interesting topic we’ll address another day) so if it still works you’ll probably be slinging it around. My only hesitation is that getting old seems messy and I don’t know if I want to deal with the daily battle with gravity and biology the elderly face.

What’s your pick?

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

Deep Fried Oreos, a Bride on Skates, and Captain Jack Sparrow

Summertime here in Central New York always closes out with a bang when the “great” New York State Fair rolls into town. I use quotes around great because greatness is determined by comparison to ones contemporaries. Are we comparing this to the Valley Field Days where a few years ago one of those free fall rides broke and snapped a few shin bones? If so then yea I guess the fair is pretty great but let’s not get stuck in our little bubble.

I’ve been going to the fair just about every year I’ve been a conscience human being save a year here and there when I had literally anything else going on those last 10 days of summer. 2018 wasn’t one of those years as I dove into the depths of all that this region has to offer on Saturday. On that day it was reported that 130,000 other souls entered the fairgrounds to partake as well, really puts into perspective how massive those 100,000+ seat college football stadiums really are. This boiling hellscape of asphalt, edible diabetes, and livestock of both the quadrupedal and bipedal variety feels claustrophobic and it’s an open range, having that many people in one building blows my mind.

Let’s start from the top. It’s late August, maybe global warming hadn’t fully t-baged us when this event started but these days that sweaty manbag is resting comfortably on our collective forehead. Between the population of a small metropolis, freshly paved asphalt, 90 degree heat, and enough operating deep fryers to make Ronald McDonald blush it had to have been no less than 5 degrees colder than the surface of the sun. Billion dollar idea for Goldbond, put a stand at every entrance point selling single serve packets of your powder. Try it once and cut me in at 8% for the idea, you’re welcome. Instant swampage and all I trekked on.

Approximately 35% of the real estate at the fairgrounds is dedicated to showing off livestock. I don’t know why but it just gets the people going. You think you’ve seen one cow you’ve seen them all but let me tell you, you couldn’t be farther from the truth. Something about those utters and the very prominent smell of manure draws us in like flys to…well, manure I guess. That’s just the first animal building though. There’s one for sheep and horses, ducks get some action in there, and the chickens/roosters. Oh boy those are some gorgeous cocks. Those bad boys could get their own week and they’d still pull in close to 50,000 a day. When I say I’m from New York you probably picture this.

But really it’s this.

Look at those people, sitting in a hundred degree building filled with crap just to look at some poultry. Am I one of those people? Absolutely, I don’t know why but I just am.

But what happens to those beautiful beasts after their 15 minutes of fame are up? Well let’s head on over to where the food stands are. Where the battle cry of “if you can eat it, we can fry it” reigns supreme. You got the classic fried foods, chicken, turkey, any potato product, but then the mad scientists moved in. Oreos, twinkies, tacos, ice cream (I still don’t understand how that works), and any animal not found on PETAs endangered list but a few that are toeing the line. Those are just the fried selections though, ever wanted to eat a bacon cheese burger but instead of buns it’s glazed donuts? Well then waddle your way on down to the fair! How about this monstrosity?

As a product of New York “A real taste of New York” feels like a personal attack for some reason. Also the sly cliff note on the bottom letting you know that this will come with a serving of gravy, as if it wasn’t implied already, is adorable. I got your Fry Guy secret sauce right here.

What other magnificent attractions could this wonderland possibly hold. Rides that creek and shake a little too much? Yep. Musical acts that peaked 15 years ago? Ludacris put on a hell of a show earlier in the week. Games that you’ll have to drop $30 at to win a $5 stuffed animal? There’s a reason we have strong market for casinos year round, gotta introduce kids to the thrill early on. How about a wedding? Shut it down, we’ve reached peak fair.

To escape the heat my friend and I went into the new expo center that boasts functioning a/c and an ice rink. We turn the corner and on the ice there are two blocks of folding chairs set up center ice with a strip of carpet in between and a podium in the front. I turned to my friend and said, “holy shit I think they’re gonna have a wedding here.” She dismissed this idea because no way that would actually happen. Que the groom in an all white tuxedo stepping onto the ice and gliding around like Nancy Kerrigan pre-lead pipe. The joy the this sight brought me is right up there with Malcom Butler wiping away the Seahawks budding dynasty at the goal line. Not because I’m some wacko that gets antsy in my pantsys (pantsees, panties(?)) but because this is what the fair is all about, people watching and the absurd.

If they’re happy I’m happy for them because life’s fucked just about anyway you look at it so who am I to judge what puts a smile on those faces. That’s not going to stop me from finding this hilarious. The groomsmen escorted the women down the makeshift aisle, a role I’m familiar with. My brother got married a few weeks ago and us groomsmen were told that if we hold out our arm to a woman they’ll instinctively know to grab onto it like a fish biting into a lure to be brought to their seat. It seemed like a little bit dated and I’ll be honest it was a little weird walking up to two strangers, looking at the husband and then having his wife grab onto me. Did I wink at a couple of the husbands? Mr. Steal Yo Gurl shows no mercy.

I had to tap out though when I saw the bride. She was beautiful as any bride may be on their wedding day but this was a wedding on ice and the bride was on skates. This woman was being towed down the ice along side the aisle by I assume her father who was walking on the carpet. Something about this image of a bride being dragged to the alter in a situation where walking away under her own power seemed impossible was very reminiscent of a time when weddings involved those prize winning cocks and cattle being exchanged for an underaged bride. Ah the good old days.

What’s a wedding without a reception. On deck for the evening was none other than The Prince of Darkness Ozzy Osbourne. I was at the show with my dad along with thousands of other people there to see Ozzy on his second farewell tour because maybe this time he means it and how dare you pass up a chance to see a legend perform one last time.

Spoiler alert: he doesn’t mean it. At one point during the show Ozzy stopped to say “people keep thinking that this is fucking it for me. I don’t know why. I’m just done touring the fucking world. I got grandkids man.” 1. Hmm Ozzy I don’t know why people think that the “No More Tours Tour 2” is your swan song, haters just hating I guess. 2. That was a surprisingly sobering moment to realize that the guy who once bit the head off of a live bat now has grandchildren.

Ozzy still has it though at 70 years young, it was kind funny to see him scoot around the stage though as he hyped up the crowd, not quite as spry as he was back in his Black Sabbath days. Zakk Wylde can still shred as evident by the 15 minute guitar solo he had during War Pigs, at one point playing with his teeth. They played all the hits and closed out with Crazy Train which now carries a different underlying theme as the band gets older. Is that a dementia reference? Don’t worry about it.

Oh yea, Captain Jack Sparrow, almost forgot about him. During the concert there was a guy in a full movie-quality Jack Sparrow costume stumbling around taking pictures of people for money. Not a bad gig if you ask me.

And so concludes another trip to The Great New York State Fair, I’ll see ya there next year. Meet me at gate 6.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

What We Learned From Week 1 of College Football

Football is so back it hurts. This first week of action is like that first pregame beer on a Friday night after a week of slaving away in the cube farm, might not be the best one of the night but goddamn does it feel good to finally get it in your system. Were the match-ups from this week the biggest we’ll see this year? No, but that still doesn’t mean that we didn’t learn a few things and pick up on a few possible trends to keep an eye on as the leave begin to change colors and marching bands play on. In no particular order:

-Texas = Not Back: Hey that didn’t take too long did it? Seems like every year since Mack Brown parted ways with Texas the Longhorns are at the forefront of preseason buzz. Sure they still manage to recruit with the best of them but for some reason it just doesn’t seem to work once the fans are in the stands. Back to back years now with opening losses to Maryland is not what makes a former national powerhouse back. On that note, what an incredible win that is for Maryland. The status of Texas aside after all of the turmoil going on within the Terps over the past few weeks following the death of Jordan McNair. I can’t even imagine what was going on through the minds of Maryland’s players as they lined up with 10 men on the field to open the game to honor McNair. Then to go out and get the win is something else. Watch out for Maryland, they’re playing for something bigger this year.

-LSU is Not Messing Around: Football’s favorite Cajun Coach O had his bayou bengals ready to roll against Miami and man was it a real ass whooping. It’s weird to think that LSU came into this season pretty quietly since for so long they’ve been a talking point either because they seemed like the best challenger to Alabama or because Les Miles was a rather polarizing figure in college football. But following a relatively lackluster season and not having a dominate NFL bound running back to talk about LSU found themselves in the “yeah they’ll be solid but nothing special” category. That tone will probably have to change a bit now after their 33-17 win over Miami where 14 of those 17 points came late in the game and LSU went into clock killing mode and Malik Rosier connected on some deep balls. Now was this outcome being a surprise the product of Miami being overhyped or LSU being underrated? Most likely the answer lies within a combination of both. One things for sure though, LSU’s defense is ready to lay some beat downs this season and they might actually have a QB that can get it done in Joe Burrow.

-Eric Dungey is Good at Football: Dungey’s my guy so I had to slip this one in somewhere, but it’s actually warranted. A Friday night matchup of Syracuse and Western Michigan doesn’t really move the needle on a national scale but man it was a doozy. Syracuse dominated the first half to the tune of 34-10 and actually benched Dungey with a few minutes left in the 2nd but then as soon as the 3rd quarter started the game took a complete 180 and WM made it a 34-28 game before Dino Babers put his starting QB back in the game. From that point on Syracuse regained control en route to a 55-42 win resembling a score from a Syracuse Basketball game. The clear difference in this game was Eric Dungey and the difference he makes when he’s on the field. He’s not the most accurate passer, he doesn’t have blazing speed like Lamar Jackson did, but for some reason he’s just the right combination of something that makes him the type of backyard football all-star that makes opposing DCs nervous. He only completed 7 of 17 passes but still managed to put up 184 yards and rushed for 200 more with 3 touchdowns and the offense scored all 55 points with him on the field. With the tempo that Syracuse runs Dungey is going to have plenty of opportunities to put up big time numbers it’ll just be a matter of if he can stay healthy, he’s a senior and has never played in a game after November 7th.

-Jim Harbaugh’s Seat is Starting to Warm Up: A one possession loss to a team a lot of people picked to sneak into the playoffs really shouldn’t be grounds for murmurs for a hot seat but Coach Kaki isn’t your typical coach and Michigan isn’t your typical program. Compared to what Michigan was under Rich Rod and Brady Hoke they are no doubt better with Harbaugh as their head coach but the bar was set up in the clouds when he was brought in. 8-8 in his last 16 and really no signature wins yet in his tenure will not sit well with Michigan’s fan base because at the end of the day they’re looking at teams in their conference like Ohio State, Michigan State, and Wisconsin and thinking why the hell aren’t they on that level. Maybe this is just a bump in the road and Michigan will actually make a jump this year, lord knows all will be forgiving with a win against the Scarlet and Gray. We’ll have to wait and see but you can’t combine the expectations set forth with the circus Jim Harbaugh brings with his personality type casted for an over the top cartoon football coach and consistently find yourself sitting with Texas saying “next year is our year.”

-Turnover Props will Burn Bright but Fast: Chains, boxing gloves, a throne, plank from Ed, Edd, ‘n Eddy and Mardi Gras beads aren’t just what I like to call a fun Tuesday night. Last season The U brought back the Miami Vice flair that was their trademark during their peak in the 80’s and 90’s with the turnover chain and set the world on fire. From references in rap songs and around the clock chatter on every national sports talk platform the turnover chain was the smash sensation of the 2017 season and naturally copy cats have emerged. I actually like the turnover prop idea, you make a big time play go get your shine on son. I can’t hate on some 18-22 year old dude wanting to strut their stuff if they can back it up. But this just isn’t sustainable, I previously wrote about how the student loan bubble will soon burst and send us back to the Stone Age and I got a feeling that we’re looking at a prop bubble in college football. The biggest issue here is whether or not Miami is really back to their days of old. They got the brakes beaten off of them against LSU to the point where they were mocking turnover chain with a sweaty towel. If Miami slides back into being a good team but one that doesn’t really strike fear into other teams then the sky high level of flash the comes with the turnover chain will just be way to easy to mock. Yeah wearing a chain fit for a Two Chainz video is cool but have you ever tried having Coach Saban not threaten to kidnap your family and burn your house down for being 6 inches out of position? If the turnover chain dies then the rest of the props eventually die with it right?

Week 1 is in the books, see ya next Saturday to do it all over again. I’ll bring the beer.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

Put Straws in Your Nose the River of Shit is Rising

Shout out to the hilarious lunatic Lewis Black for writing the title of this blog. That line comes from a bit he did about when the US economy imploded back in ’08 because of the housing bubble bursting. Well Mr. Black might have some new material coming down the pipeline because of the new financial burden that’s all the rage, student loan debt.

Now I’ll be upfront with you about this, my economics background stops at a handful of business classes I slept through to get a minor in management. However I have seen The Big Short about 8 times because there’s something about the aspect of those poor shmucks shouting into the void that the sky is falling and then once it pops off they’re left with a mountain of cash, guilt, and dipshit bankers saying “we should’ve listened” that I find entertaining. So take my conclusions with a grain of salt. But I just set up my own loan repayment plan and this anvil hanging over our heads has been a reoccurring topic of conversation with a friend of mine so it’s on my mind.

Let’s start with the basics, what the hell happened with mortgages that tanked the economy about a decade ago. My understanding is that a lot of people bought houses on apartment budgets and when they went to take out a loan banks were like a fat kid at a buffet, they couldn’t say no. I used to be that fat kid at the buffet, one time I ate 6 plates in about 15 minutes and then blew chunks all over the place before I could make it to the bathroom. Me getting a 2nd viewing of those 30 chicken tenders is the housing bubble bursting in this scenario. It came up on us quick, we tried to stop it or at least minimize the damage but in the end we were left standing in a pile of vomit with tears in our eyes. Once the chickens came home to roost and people started defaulting on these loans they probably shouldn’t have been given in the first place more money was given out than could come back in and the economy was flipped on its head.

Now after I puked did I go get a glass of water and call it a night? Hell no! I rallied like a champion and got myself a big hot fudge Sunday. When the sky fell did banks take a step back and reevaluate how they operate? Not really, they took the bailouts, reworded everything so it got more confusing, and came out with emotional “we need to be better” commercials. Then it was back to business as usual.

That brings us to today and the reason many recent and not so recent college graduates find themselves grabbing a bottle of whiskey on a Tuesday night. That fickle bitch Sally May.

…I started writing this Monday morning but got side tracked with my actual job but then by the afternoon I saw a report that the head overseer of the national student loan debt resigned in protest over the White House’s hostility towards protecting student loan borrowers. Yikes, I better get back to solving this crisis before we’re all fucked…

So here’s the big numbers on student loans. Currently U.S. citizens collectively hold $1.5 TRILLION in debt, that’s a lot of 30 racks of natty. The real problem here is the rates in which cost of attendance of college has vastly outpaced the way in which compensation has increased for college grads. From 1990 to 2016 the cost of attendance for public and private colleges has gone up 183% and 142% respectively. Meanwhile the average starting salary has raised 3% in that same time. Now I don’t need to bust out my trusty TI-83 to tell you that math doesn’t work.

That was a lot of numbers so how about a classic dead baby joke to lighten the mood. What’s the hardest part about walking through a pile of dead babies? …My erection.

So how do we prevent this bomb from going off? I really don’t know. People say that we should just hit the reset button and forgive existing student loan debt. Like I said, I’m no economist but for some reason waving a magic wand and making 1.5 trillion dollars disappear doesn’t sound like the brightest idea. Maybe we just make Mexico pay for it, that seems to be an idea people enjoy. It’s like asking your neighbor for a cup of sugar, let’s even toss Canada into the mix , they seem like a polite bunch.

One trend I’ve seen, I hesitate to call it a trend because it’s probably just one of those buzzfeed deals where two dumbasses do something and then an article titled “See what wild things guys are doing to their nipples now!” gets published, is intentionally defaulting. To those two or ten dumbasses, knock it off. You knew what you signed up for when you picked a college that required you to take out enough loans to match the GDP of a small island nation. Throwing a temper tantrum and taking your ball and going home just fucks over other people.

I racked my semi functioning brain for a while trying to come up with a real solution and I got nothing. I don’t think a bikini car wash is going to get enough traffic to be a viable option and you can only donate so much sperm before they say “sir this is a money bank, put your pants back on and leave or we’ll call the cops.”

So until The Hunger Games becomes a reality and I get to use those sweet archery and karate lessons I took for a couple years when I was younger to fight for fiscal freedom I’ll keep the straws in my nose in preparation for when the river of shit starts to flood. Also I just signed up for one of those sugar baby websites so I’m just going to whore myself out to some old lady in the meantime.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

‘Twas the Night Before College Football

‘Twas the night before college football, when all through the land no one was on the field, not even the band.

The goal post were raised, by the end zone with care. In the hopes that Lane Kiffin would be there;

The players were nestled all snug in their bed, while visions of Kirby and The Coach danced in their heads;

And Harbagh in his kakis, and Malzan in his vest, had just settled down for a quick pregame rest.

When out on the campus there arose sounds that elate, fans had already gone out to the lot to tailgate.

Away to the stadium I flew like a flash, tore through the banner and fireworks did flash.

The moon was on the breast of fresh cut grass, gave the luster of linebackers ready to whoop some ass.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear, but a running back, he turned the corner and was in the clear.

With short choppy steps, so dynamic and quick, he was moving like someone’s thumb was on the joystick.

More rapid than Bryce Love he charged to the endzone, and he called out the names of coaches ascending the throne.

“Now, Dino! Now, Dabo! Now, Gundy and Kelly! On, Fisher! On, Frost! On, Saban! On, Leach!

To the top of the poll! Now dive on the ball!

Have Phyllis from Mulga go tell PAUL!”

As yellow flags that nosy referees let fly, when met with adversity, the team never says die.

So up to the playoffs their game plans they drew, with a bag full of tricks, Coach Kiffin has two.

And then, in a rumbling, I heard in the stands, the roar of a crowd and clapping of hands.

As they rose to their feet, creating quite a sound, out of the tunnel Coach Kiffin came with a bound.

He was dressed in Adidas from his visor to shoes, and his players well coached at positions they choose.

A call sheet of plays he had gripped in his hand, and he looked like a general ready to command.

His plays — how they wowed! His schemes how cunning!

Play fakes like magic, defense never saw it coming.

His QB was set, in a pocket so clean, surrounded by linemen, so big, strong, so mean.

His headset held tight gripping over his ear, he was focused, the crowd may have not been here.

He had luscious locks and a smile so sly, it’s no wonder recruits see him and say “that’s my guy.”

He was clever and funny, a true modern day coach, sound bites galore when the media approach.

A change of play, a quick scan of the field, the fans need not worry, his offense won’t yield.

He spoke not a word, but simply winked his eye, this subtle note told his QB to let it fly.

And before the snap he already knew, a touchdown scored and they’ll go for two.

He leapt off his feet, to his team gave a cheer, for the owls knew this one would be their year.

But I heard him exclaim, as they celebrated into the night.

“WHERE ARE YOU SABAN, WE’LL GIVE BAMA A FIGHT!”

Football is back baby.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

Back to Schoo…Shit

Late August is officially back to school season. The endless Target adds peddling folders repping whatever cartoons are hot in the streets these days and emotional insurance commercials showing parents dropping their child off to a 4 year bender are inundating our lives. Sitting on the other side of that fence now is a bizarre feeling that I wasn’t quite prepared for.

The nights leading up to graduation back in May while they were the final pages in my collegiate book never really felt like it. There weren’t really any tearful nights reminiscing about how much we’ll miss this place or whatever cliche was supposed to happen. Despite our best efforts too, one of the last nights before the last few of our friend group moved out we held #Cryfest2k18. A beautifully depressing gathering where about 8 guys got together in our living room, turned off the lights and played every sad song we could think of for the occasion. We had some heavy hitters going too. Come Join the Murder, Hallelujah, and the dumb Vitamin C song every group of high school chicks cries too at the end of senior year. After over an hour of this attempt at real emotion no tears were shed, in fact we all thought it was pretty funny because of how ridiculous and over the top it was. So we then decided to go back to our roots, kicked on Sherryl Crow’s all-time banger Soak Up the Sun, cranked that bitch up to 11 and smashed all the glass bottles we had accrued on our mantle from the past two years of drinking. We christened our apartment for the next generation of stories like a ship being sent out to sea for a new voyage.

A seismic shift has now occurred though. For the past 16 years those damn commercials signaled the return to school like the Beacons of Gondor calling upon the Riders of Rohan to come aid in battle. Now that I no longer answer to those beacons I find myself feeling those emotions we were supposed to find in that dark room back in May.

Here’s a tip for everyone out there still in college. When you graduate, don’t stay local. You might think that it wouldn’t be that bad and might actually be kinda sweet especially if you’ll still have some buddies at school to hang with. Let me tell ya, it’s not. I grew up in Syracuse, went to SU, and now work in the area so maybe it’s all compounding with the desire to leave the hometown. Yesterday I was working on a job site just a few blocks from campus and had to drive by my freshman dorm and apartment from junior and senior year to get there. It was one of the most surreal and depressing things I’ve experienced in my life.

Driving by Shaw Hall and seeing the endless line of cars pulling up to move in those blissfully ignorant 18 year old freshman bastards, I was blown away by how that was actually me 4 years ago. I wanted to pull over, shave my beard, and pick a random couple to call Mom and Dad in the hopes that maybe there’d be an empty bed waiting for me in 457 like there was back in 2014.

I’d like to take a moment here for anyone who might be thinking “just let it go you bum.” With all due respect, fuck off. If you’re not finding yourself missing it and wanting just one more victory lap then you definitely didn’t do college right. These days I have a 50 minute commute to an 8-5, 5-figures worth of debt suddenly attached to my name, and a front row seat to a life I once lived like some real life version of A Christmas Carol. There I was boozing on week nights without any regard for tomorrow, had 3 day weekends, and was pretending to be some some knock off Dan Patrick covering Syracuse Football and Basketball for a student radio station. You bet the stick shoved up your ass I would rather keep that train rolling. Let me feel my feelings damnit.

For now though I, like many of you, am stuck toiling away in my cube longing to have one more shot at it. I’ll probably take a few swings for old times sake, I do have some friends who are still in school, but it just won’t be the same. So for now raise a happy hour special domestic draft to the good times and maybe share a few bits of advice to someone younger so that they get the most out of their time.

I’ll start with a little story from early on in my freshman year.

About a month in a my friend Matt from high school who is a year older and went to a smaller college near by asked me to come meet him at DJs. A bar next to Syracuse’s campus which will let you in at 18 but gives you the mark of shame Xs on your hands signaling the bartender to not serve you. Really though you could pass as being 21 if you showed them a library card. This place is the goddamn Wild West where no laws actually apply. At the time I didn’t know how loose DJs interpreted “legal form of identification” so I got Xd up like a mutha fucka. Matt had a shitty fake so he could buy booze, when I met him in DJs he immediately handed me a beer which of course I proceed to drink (whoa look at the hot shot over here drinking beer in a bar). A bouncer sees the beer, sees the Xs on my hands, comes up to me and says “you’re out.”

I’m not a bitch so I toughen up, puff out my chest and defiantly say “okay” and leave. I was in the bar for maybe 5 minutes. Leaving the bar a homeless man walks up to me and gives me some story about how it’s his birthday and he’s just trying to buy a bottle of Jack and asks if I had a couple bucks. Obviously I’m hammered off of my sip of Bud Light but really I just admire the honesty of “hey man I’m just trying to get fucked up.” So I toss him a couple bucks for his troubles. Welp, he then puts his arm around me, tells me I’m a good dude and asks “yo you smoke?” Before I can say anything he pulls out a small bag of crack from his hat and offers it to me for $10. Crack rocks are no more than 6 inches from my face at this point. My eyes get wide because now shit has just gotten very real and say “I gotta go” and book it back to my dorm to go to bed and ponder what the fuck just happened.

So the moral of the story kids, is to make sure you have a good fake and as Nancy Reagan said, just say no.

God I’m gonna miss it.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired