Kick Start Your Weekend By Seeing How Many Ways You Violated The BYU Honor Code

Do you know that BYU celebrates Oktoberfest by serving chocolate milk in their library? No, seriously. On October 4th the cougars hosted the annual Milktoberfesr celebration in their library.

“The holiday where you drink chocolate milk and do homework.” Might as well add helping an elderly member of the opposite gender cross the street to the list and really make it a day of debauchery.

I’m not hating on chocolate milk, it’s delicious and I enjoy it over all other liquid dairy products but this is just too adorable. Oktoberfest is a day, at least in the bastardized USA fashion I’ve seen it, is a day that should result in puke stained lederhosen. I guess that’s still on the table here but just for the handful of fresh off the boat German kids studying at BYU that have a bit of a lactose problem. Do you think they do some Das Boots of whole milk after a big basketball win?

It’s been a long week in the cube and in honor of our collective desire to let loose let’s take a look at one of the easiest ground rules there is when it comes to having a good time. As comedian Daniel Tosh once said, “Remember kids you’re not having fun if you’re not breaking the BYU honor code.” So let’s make sure we all have some fun this weekend and take a look at the checklist.

No Tea or Coffee– Right off the bat I’m screwed. My first piss of the morning has smelled like a fresh pot of Dunkin’s dark roast since I was in high school. I know it’s probably not great to have a raging caffeine dependency before your first legal beer but as the saying goes, if you’re going to dance with the devil yo u might as well lead.

Visitors of the Opposite Sex Can’t Be in Your Bedroom or Bathroom– Now this is just isn’t practical. What if I had a lovely gal over to work on some homework or a little late night holy text (ya got me, I don’t know what their book is called) study and she got a classic case of dinning hall diarrhea? If you’v ever eaten in a dinning hall you know exactly what I’m talking about. Is BYU trying to tell me that their food is that much better than everyone else’s? That’s a little presumptuous if you ask me. I don’t even care about the bedroom rule, I’m just trying to be a proper host and I’m not quite sure how to do that if I’m forced to make my guests shit in the streets.

Men Can’t Have Long Hair or Beards– As a man who’s genetically predisposed to look like a folk singer who’s been on the road for months I feel personally attacked by this. Think of all the time I could spend drinking chocolate milk and not holding hands but instead I’m stuck shaving my face down to baby’s ass smooth every morning. This is unjust and I won’t stand for it.

Women Can Only Have One Ear Pierced– This ones weird. Is it because two ears is too flashy or prostitutey? Is it because shiny things scare Mormons and they need to put some type of governor on this problem before mass hysteria breaks out? What about multiple piercings in one ear? What’s their stance on a Prince Henry (don’t google it)?

No Premarital Sex/Porn– Remember when that BYU basketball player got kicked off the team right before the NCAA Tournement because he admitted to having sex with his girlfriend? First off, how did that investigation get started? Was his next door neighbor being kept up all night by unidentified creaking heard through the wall? Was she a screamer? Was he a screamer? Either way just lie dude, it’s really that simple. I’d like to pose a question to the chancellor of BYU, yes I’m too lazy to look your name up. Would you buy a car without taking it on a test drive first? Just checking. Also, have you ever decided to treat yourself to a little Pornhub Premium account? If you did you’d know why this rule is simply ludicrous.

No Homosexual Behavior– Here’s a tough one. What do you mean by “behavior?” Penetration? Or am I gonna have some explaining to do if I’m jamming to my guilty pleasures playlist and It’s Raining Men comes on? Don’t judge. What I’m saying is that there’s a lot of colors in the rainbow, which ones are going to make me late to my chem lab?

Shoes are Required in All Public Areas– Finally something the Mormons and I agree on. I don’t want to see your nasty feet and you sure as hell don’t want to see what I got going on in these socks. Think of the little piggies after a trip to Big Al’s Slaughter House.

No Profanity– Fuck that. Shit, sorry. In my defense there’s no need to be such a bitch about this.

No Sleeveless Shirts or Form Fitting Clothing– Is BYU problematic because they bodyshame? Think about it.

How long did you last? My application burst into flames the second it hit the admissions office.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

College Football Week 5: What We Learned

This weekend could’ve been an all-timer for ya boy. The Pats are back from the dead, I’m not sweating buckets whenever I go outside, and Sunday morning I nailed a 30ft birdie putt on 18 for force a tie in our family’s captain a crew golf outing. I got my first of many pumpkin spice coffees, say what you want that shit’s delicious. Everything was going my way, except for Saturday afternoon. Try to keep up if you want to know what went wrong.

-Rutgers Update: Rutgers football updates are our bread and butter here at IPGFFT, at this point I’m expecting my lifetime media credential to show up in the mail any day now. This week was actually pretty great by Scarlet Knight standards. No it wasn’t a bye week and therefore impossible for them to lose another game, I bet they’d find a way. America’s team stay home in New Jersey to take on Indiana and managed to lose in a non-blowout fashion. Rutgers entered the 4th quarter down 24-7 but managed to put together a 10-0 final frame to pull the game to within one possession but alas Saturday would not but the Knights day and the final score of 24-17 held true. Shout out to future New York Jets QB Artur Sitowski, seriously adding that missing ‘h’ would do wonders, had his best performance of the season going 18/35 for 154 a td and an int. His QBR of 34.8 was his best of the season. Consistency is key.

-Mormon Dreams Die: I’m honestly fascinated by how BYU has managed to construct a typically solid football program through the very narrow recruiting base of mormons and guys who are willing to abide by BYU’s downright absurd honor code. It doesn’t hurt that their “freshmen” are actually about 26 after going on their mission trip but finding other guys to fill out the roster is extremely impressive. BYU came into week 5 ranked 20th after getting a big road win at Wisconsin and this week they had another shot at knocking off a top tier opponent against Washington. Well God, Buddah, The Fly Spaghetti Monster or whatever the hell they believe in wasn’t on their side because the Huskies smoked them 35-7. The honor code explicitly bans homosexual behavior, will the team be allowed back on campus after getting fucked that hard by a bunch of other dudes? I’ll have to consult the gold tablets on that one.

-Joe Knew, Urban Knew, No One Knows Anything Anymore: Ohio State beat Penn State in a really close game, playoff implications, conference championships blah blah blah. What’s really important here is that we learned just how stupid the people running Ohio State’s PR really is. Earlier in the week they tossed out a poster hyping the game with only one word across the top of it, ‘Silence’. The athletics department said that it was meant to mean silence Penn States crowd and that they used the same message a few years ago. Here are my issues with this: 1. You already used this, be original goddamnit. 2. Literally no one in that office saw that and thought hey maybe not the best time for this one, let’s let the heat in the streets die down a little bit. If it’s that hard to come up with hype up material for a top-10 college football game float me a few bucks and I’ll come up with something for ya next time.

-Moral Victories Feel Good in the Same Way Getting Punched in the Dick is a Handjob: Syracuse had that win in the bag, I’m still upset about this days later and honestly depending on how the rest of this season plays out I may never quite recover from this. The Orange came into Clemson as a national buzz team that was clearly expected to get put in their place as indicated by the -24.5 Clemson line at kickoff. That was not how this dance played out at all. In the first half Syracuse was moving the ball and putting up points, albeit field goals rather than touchdowns. But even with Clemson at full strength Syracuse was going blow for blow with them in their house. Then Sunshine got sent back into 10th grade by a brutal, but clean, hit on a scramble that really had not shot of being anything positive. This was it, Syracuse had a 16-7 halftime lead and now Clemson was going to have to go to a guy that was always meant to be a career clipboard jockey to finish the game. This next 30 minutes of football was going to send Syracuse from frisky up-and-comer to where-did-they-come-from with an inside track to the ACC title game. The scars from my years as a season ticket holder during the Greg Robinson years would finally be healed in one glorious afternoon. But then Syracuse forgot that run defense is important and Travis Etienne curb stomped my hopes and dreams into oblivion. Really though 2 years ago Syracuse lost 54-0 at Clemson and now they’re here, looking at their schedule the rest of the way Notre Dame is the only team left that Syracuse would be a clear underdog against. Am I still sitting at my desk seething over every missed tackle, wide open running lane, dogshit man down field call? Yes, 1000% yes. If Syracuse is for real and closes out the year on a tear will this result haunt me as a what could’ve been? 10000% yes. On to the next one. Dino Babers to a struggling traditional power takes in 3…2…1….

I hate football, god I love it so much. Isn’t it the best?

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

The Shoe Dilemma

So if you aren’t one of those head cases that can’t take a dump outside of their own home then you’re familiar with the shoe dilemma. I don’t believe there’s an official term for it but I’m hoping you’re picking up what I’m putting down. If not then listen up. “The shoe dilemma” is when you or someone else is taking care of business in a public shitter and the walls of the stall don’t extend all the way to the floor leaving a gap big enough to proudly display the offending party’s footwear.

Now it’s not a foreign concept to me that everybody poops, I’ve read the book. That being said if I’m in the bathroom and I hear something resembling the toilet scene from Dumb and Dumber you better believe I’m dying to know who that poor bastard is.

It’s wild that guy is the same person as this guy.

Image result for the newsroom jeff daniels

Jeff Daniels has range like Steph Curry in a shoot around.

Where was I? Oh yea, finding joy in knowing who is was that just put this establishment’s plumbing to the test. If I can I.D. him by those sick kicks he decided to wear today to try to catch the eye of the cute blonde in accounting it’s game over. We’re all guilty of this because deep down a part of us stopped maturing at 12 years old.

Being stuck on the other side of this battlefield is a goddamn nightmare. Maybe you went out for wings and beer last night with the fellas and now after downing a few cups of coffee your GI track has gone full Montezuma’s Revenge on you. There are sights, sounds, and smells present in your foxhole that, if we’re being honest, should probably get you fired. You’re avoiding any chance at being tagged in this like it’s a blackout picture from spring break in Tijuana. Hear the footsteps of someone walking into the bathroom and it might as well have been Freddie Kruger with how silent you’re trying to be. The impromptu round of chicken with the person in the next stall over is a game we’ve all played. Both of you just daring the other to make the first move and reveal themselves.

So shout out to my office for having total enclosure shitters thus ending the shoe dilemma. Ceiling to floor walls, an interior design concept that for some reason is reminiscent of the main lobby of a Holiday Inn, and dim lighting help to provide true peace of mind. Sure you still have to be mindful of waiting until the coast is clear over in the urinals department but it’s so homey in there that I got no problem hanging out for a bit.

It really is the little things that get you through the day.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

Tossing My Hat In The Ring

So I’ve decided to join the blog game. This brilliant idea came to me as I sat at my desk aimlessly staring at my email inbox, empty because I’m the new guy fresh out of the primordial ooze known as higher education and no one trusts me with anything important (rightfully so). I’m fairly certain this mindless staring at an LCD screen is rotting my brain so how about some writing to keep this young mind sharp.

Let’s start with some introductions! That was always one of my favorite annual events in college, taking a group of adolescents who at least on the surface had nothing in common besides the fact they lived within 100ft of each other and would be hounded by the same narc chasing the dragon of tattling like their days as a young pup in middle school, and making them give their elevator pitch as to why they’re not going to be “that guy” or “that girl,” it’s 2018 so individuals of both genders have equal opportunity to suck. But this little pre-emptive AA meeting was your first chance to size everyone up. Who’s the kid that’s blatantly stoned at 2pm on a Thursday that’ll you’ll no doubt want to have in your contacts list but not actually hang out with? Who’s the jabroni already decked out in your schools apparel? Congrats you’ve identified “that guy.” Who’s the cute girl on the other side of the circle who you’ll swap fluids with later this week after a night of wine coolers and keystone only to end up avoiding eye contact for the next 4 years? Who’s the dude wearing a SHIRT, not a jersey, repping your favorite pro sports team? That’s ya boy. That’s who I’m going to be, ya boy, and if I’m not then oh well. On to the next one.

I won’t get too personal with this because the internet is a fucked up place and I don’t need some Buffalo Bill impersonator tracking me down and chaining me up in the shed. I already told you I’m fresh out of school so chalk me up for the early 20’s demographic. Creativity has always been a strong suit of mine but being creative is pretty easy when you have an entire writer’s room of voices shouting in your head. Sike! They’re not shouting, they’re pretty well-mannered with each other…jokes folks, we like to keep the mood light around here. It’s depressing enough wasting away in a cube farm without a little dark humor thrown in here and there. I was never one for social media so maybe this is me subliminally trying to catch up with my contemporaries on dishing out blazing hot takes or maybe this is my attention starved millennial spirit finally breaking through, thought I ditched that guy a while back. Really though this is just my way to entertain all of you, and more importantly myself. Like I hinted at earlier, I have a lot of spare time while contributing to the 401k and I can only talk to Bob about the Padres game I didn’t watch so many times before I feel the sudden urge to stick a pencil in my eye.

So what should you expect to see while you’re here? Well to be frank it’ll be a mixed bag. Some sports talk, some stories, some life shit, a smattering a poop jokes and whatever else I feel like writing about. This is my party and ya’ll are invited, stop on by and make yourselves comfortable but just remember that I’m the one manning the aux chord. So grab a cold *insert future official beer of I’ll Probably Get Fired For This* and enjoy the ride.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired