Technical difficulties kept this one in the oven a little bit longer than I wanted but I even with the extra crisp on the edges I promise it’s still delicious.

I said it before after week 1 of College Football but now that the big boys are in action football is OFFICIALLY back. It was all too perfect this weekend up here in CNY. Temperatures were in the low 60’s with a crisp breeze, hell on Sunday morning it was actually cold and I didn’t feel like a total piece of shit sitting on the couch in a pair of sweat pants all day. It just felt like pure, unadulterated, football and I love it. This was the first chance we got to see the real 32 teams populating the NFL this season so lets take it from the top.

Falcons @ Eagles: Holy cow that was a real stinker to start the season, for a while there I thought I misread my calendar and it was actually the last week of preseason. From all angles the first 3 1/2 quarters of this game were absolutely terrible. People will gush over the Philly Special take 2 The Electric Boogaloo but my first thought was that it’s probably not a great sign that you’re already dipping into the bag of tricks opening night just to get any amount of offense going. The Falcons must think that after giving Julio Jones all that money no one else on offense is allowed to get touches. Either that or Sark is back on his bullshit and has his old friend Jack Daniels helping him with play calls. Remember how we all thought the new helmet rule was going to destroy football and democracy as we know it? It actually didn’t make an appearance on opening night but the refs still managed to dominate tv time. 28 penalties were called and most of them were just because of undisciplined early season slop, but YIKES combine that with the hot doo doo play on the field and opening night probably couldn’t have been more of a dud. P.S. Catches are still a matter of opinion rather than fact so that’s cool.                                Eagles 18 Falcons 12

Bengals @ Colts: Andrew Luck and his super glued shoulder made their triumphant return to action and looked solid. The Colts really decided to put that team of surgeons work to the test though with 53 passing attempts which isn’t exactly what I would call ideal but then again I’m not an NFL coach or doctor. Without Marlon Mack playing the Colts couldn’t get much of a run game going so that obviously played into Luck’s Madden-esq workload. Everyone who made the easiest bet in the world that the first player to be ejected this season would be a Bengals player please take your tickets to the sportsbook window to collect your winnings. All stereotypes being validated aside the Bengals looked decent enough to get Coach Jones another contract extension. Andy Dalton a.k.a. The Red Rifle was sharp going 21/28 and 2 td, Joe Mixon seemed to step into the lead back role, and tiger stripes managed to pull off the road win.                                       Bengals 34 Colts 23

Titans @ Dolphins: Mike Varbel seems like the type of football coach that would tell a player who just woke up from a coma to rub some dirt on it and get back in there but a little bit of lightning and suddenly it’s time to shut it down. Seriously, I thought this game wouldn’t actually end and we would finally see a Madden simulation determine the outcome of an actual NFL game. What a kick in the nuts it ended up being for the Titans. Wait for hours during multiple weather delays only to see Marcus Mariota go out with an elbow injury where apparently he lost feeling in his fingers and Delanie Walker’s ankle exploded, AND they lost to the Dolphins. All things considered that’s a pretty shitty Sunday. For the Dolphins they start the post Smokin’ Jay era with an okay win. Not much can be said about a game in which actual gameflow was nonexistent. But this was Ryan Tannehill’s first game back and he pick things up right where he left them off which is somewhere straddling the Dalton Line.                                                                            Dolphins 27 Titans 20

Steelers @ Browns: THE BROWNS ARE UNDEFEATED IN THE 2018-19 SEASON…they also haven’t won a game yet but no doubt we saw progress. When this game went into overtime I knew we were going to see it end in a tie because isn’t that the best story line? The Browns hit peak Browns by getting a game winning field goal blocked in the final seconds and give Cleveland the biggest football blue balls since Steve McNair got tackled at the 1 and the Steelers will soon be leading the league in dislocated fingers after how hard they’ll be pointing them at Leveon Bell for not playing. James Connor actually had a great game worthy of giving Pittsburgh confidence that they’ll be okay post-Bell but wow that result has to hurt. I won’t make any predictions on how good the Browns will actually be this year because the Hard Knocks magic might wear off after 1 week but no doubt this was a step in the right direction.                                                                         Brown 21 Steelers 21

49ers @ Vikings: So Jimmy G isn’t perfect, well he’s still a perfect human specimen that has a 1000 watt smile, perfect hair, eyes you get lost in, and makes it wiggle just a little bit and… Football, back to football. Yeah so the 9ers probably aren’t winning the Superbowl this season, they probably won’t win their division either with the Rams seemingly turning off the salary cap. Oddly enough Garoppolo has actually thrown as many touchdowns and interceptions in a 49ers uniform, no doubt he passes the eye test but you’d think he was MVP last year the way people have been talking about him. Now that there’s actual film out there on 10 in red we’ll probably see him struggle at times in a way you’d expect to see a QB with only 9 career starts struggle, especially going up against a loaded defense like the Vikings. For Minnesota, Kirk Cousins looked solid in his first game wearing purple. Cousins isn’t a superstar level QB despite what his contract says but he’s consistently pretty good which will absolutely be enough to make the Vikings a legit Superbowl contender.                                                                                   Vikings 24 49ers 16

Texans @ Patriots: Tom Brady finally went over the cliff, unfortunately for the rest of the NFL he is not a mortal man and is now soaring over the ravine his nay-sayers were expecting to find him plummeting into. There were a lot of questions regarding the crew around TB12 after the departures of Dion Lewis, Brandin Cooks, and Julian Edleman’s suspension but the machine marched on. Gronk did Gronk stuff with 123 yards and a td, 3 different running backs got carries along with Cordarrelle Paterson getting a few gadget plays, and Phillip Dorset actually managed to contribute. The surprise here is that the Patriots’ defense actually managed to get pressure and not get diced up, it’s been a while since we’ve seen New England be able to get pressure when only rushing 4. For the Texans this was the return of some of their most important players in Deshaun Watson, JJ Watt and Whitney Mercilus (still possibly the best football name in the business) and there was certainly some rust. Watson didn’t look quiet as comfortable as he normally did fumbling on the first play because of some uncertainty on a read option and overall he seemed to struggle with pocket awareness. JJ Watt was quite for a while but then really turned it up in the 2nd half and making it hard on the Patriots’ o-line, a great sign because once Watt and Clowney get it going that defense is going to win some games for Houston on its own.                                                                                                                  Patriots 27 Texans 20

Jaguars @ Giants: Jaylen Ramsey lead the NFL preseason in headlines by taking shots at seemingly every offensive player in the league. Things didn’t go exactly as planned for Ramsey in the opener when OBJ went for 111 yards on 11 catches (that’s a lot of 1s, neat). It’s not all on Ramsey since the two weren’t matched up man-to-man on every play but that was kind of a weak move after the game when Jaylen took to Twitter to play the “football is a team game” card when he’s been taking personal shots at every player he could name. Elsewhere on the field, Bortles looked like Bortles going for 176 yards 1 td and 1 int, and Leonard Fournette went down with a bad hammy but reports are saying that he’ll be find. The Jags defense is still really good, really fast, and really good. As I alluded to earlier OBJ seems to be fully recovered from his broken ankle which is big if the Giants want to keep Eli from REALLY showing his age. If you take away the 11 for 111 to OBJ the better looking(?) Manning brother went just 12/26 for 113 yards and an int. In Eli’s defense the Jags defense tends to do that to QBs so lets not write his obituary just yet. That Barkley guy played too and I’m not quite sure what to make of his performance. 18 carrier for 108 yards and a td looks pretty good but 68 of those yards and the td came on one play in the 4th. That was the kind of running back he was though at Penn State, maybe not the best per carry but he’ll be a threat to make a homerun play every time he touches the ball.                                                                                                                        Jaguars 20 Giants 15

Bucs @ Saints: Ryan Fitzpatrick you sneaky son of a bitch, turns out him stinking it up his last year in New York and backing up in Tampa was just his way of letting the rest of the NFL have a chance. In all seriousness whoever says they saw this coming is a dirty liar. The Saints even when they were just Brees dragging a team kicking and screaming to 7-9 were unbeatable in the dome and after last year with them suddenly having a defense and the 2nd coming in Alvin Kamara of course they’d be one of the best teams in football. Turns out Fitzmagic was spending the whole offseason using that Harvard brain of his to figure out how to turn the Saints back into the Aints. New Orleans still looked great on offense putting up 40. Brees was Brees throwing for over 400 yards and Kamara picked things up right where he left off rushing for 2 tds and adding in over 100 yards and a td receiving. I don’t want to put too much stock in one game, especially an opening week game where defense was optional so I think the Saints will be alright but what happens when Crab Legs comes back if Fitzy stays hot for the next few weeks? Stay tuned. Buccaneers 48 Saints 40

Bills @ Ravens: Well last season was fun, right Bills Mafia? It sucks for the Bills but if we’re being honest here they pretty much stumbled, or more fittingly fell off an RV and through a folding table, into the playoffs last year thanks to Red Rifle screwing over a division rival on a prayer. The Bills were going to be stuck in the 6-10 to 8-8 hell known as NFL purgatory for the next few years and so rather than that they decided to blow it up and try to build something real. Except they didn’t just blow it up, they dropped the goddamn czar bomb. In 2017 Nathan Peterman made JP Lossman look like Jim Kelly by comparison and now that’s who the Bills are rolling with unless they want to throw Josh Allen out to the wolves with nothing around him. If there’s any positive here it’s that Bills Mafia will only be getting drunker and more reckless, I might even have to make a road trip to The Ralph to get a taste of the madness myself. For the Ravens it’s hard to draw any real conclusions from this, no running backs rushed for over 50 yards and no receivers had over 50 yards, so maybe they’re the most well rounded team in NFL history. If were being honest here I don’t know how good the Ravens are because I like everyone else don’t know how good Joe Flacco is. A ’99 Camry looks like the hottest whip on the block when you compare it to a tricycle that’s missing two wheels.                  Ravens 47 Bills 3

Chiefs @ Chargers: I’m sorry I doubted Patrick Mahomes. Alex Smith had the reputation of being Charlie Check Down (not necessarily true) but now Mahomes will surly be named heir to the gunslinger throne. It doesn’t hurt to have Tyreek Hill, who’s faster than a roadrunner on meth, to play impromptu game of “let’s see how far I can throw and you try to catch it” with. Hill continued to prove he’s a real life video game when he opened up the scoring with a 91 yard punt return td and then followed that up with 169 yards and 2 more tds. The Chargers continue to forget that the regular season starts in September. They were getting smoked like the medical marijuana NFL players dream of going into the 4th down 31-12. Despite the Chargers (I may never refer to them as Los Angles because that still sounds weird) offense struggling to score for most of the game, Philip Rivers still put up a monster game with 424 yards and 3 tds. The Chargers are supposed to be this years “don’t let the boys get hot” team which could still be true but this was not the start Rivers was looking to bring home to his herd of children.         Chiefs 38 Chargers 26

Seahawks @ Broncos: Three years ago this would’ve been the prime time crown juul NFL opening weekend but now in 2018 this game had a much different tone going in. The Broncos have officially abandoned all QBs drafted by John Elway, $w@g Kelly 2019, and brought in one year wonder Case Kenum to try and right the ship. What did Keenum do? He threw for 300 yards and 3 tds but 3 ints too, another performance that makes me go eh. It feels like Emmanuel Sanders has been around for 15 years now but apparently it’s only his 9th and hes still chugging along with a cool 135 yards and a td. Rookie running backs Phillip Lindsey and Royce Freeman actually put up identical stat lines with 71 yards on 15 carries which is kind of neat. The Seahawks are trying the best to not fully implode like a dying star after burning so bright. Clearly things aren’t all sunshine and gumdrops in Seattle following the departure of former cornerstones like Richard Sherman, Cam Chancellor, and Earl Thomas making it VERY clear that he wants out. Russel Wilson is great enough to keep this team from completely bottoming out but as shown by the 6 times he got sacked and 59 yards rushing put up by Seahawks other than Wilson there’s a lot of holes in this boat.                                                                            Broncos 27 Seahawks 24

Cowboys @ Panthers: Is Dak whack? That is the question that will plague us all this season. I’m not sure but until we know for sure the Dak is not whack for the love of god can we get someone else playing in the FOX 4:15 time slot, for the love of Joe Buck I beg you. The Cowboys o-line is banged up right now and this is the first game where they don’t have Dez to drop passes so it wasn’t a surprise to see their offense struggle. Maybe not this much but at least a little. Zeke rushed for 69 yards, nice. If there’s any positive takeaways for Jerry and the boys it’s that their defense looked pretty good keeping Cam and McCaffrey in check. Christain McCaffrey has officially been given the lead back role by the Panthers and he lead Carolina in receptions, receiving yards, and rushes/rush yards by players not rocking a post game wardrobe pulled from Elton John’s closet. I know everyone’s been working on their ebony and ivory/Eminem and Tiger Woods jokes but let’s be patient on this.                                                                                                    Panthers 16 Cowboys 8

Bears @ Packers: The Monsters of the Midway are very much back with newly acquired one man wrecking crew Khalil Mack teaming up with Roquan Smith and an already good Bears defense. It took one half of football for every Raiders fan in America to bust out the sadness booze after watching Mack have a sack, fumble recovery, interception, and a touchdown in the same game. The only other player that’s done that was *checks the almanac* Khalil Mack, yeah you pay this guy whatever the fuck he wants. Unfortunately for Chicago The Boogey Man still plays for the Packers. For a little while it looked like Bears finally conquered their demons when Rodgers had to be taken out on the meat wagon after a knee injury. Guess what though? Rodgers came back on one leg, did Rodges shit and the Packers outscored the Bears 21-3 in the 4th. A comeback capped off by a broken play catch and run by Randall Cobb that seemingly only the Packers manage to pull off. Seriously I know Rodgers is historically great, but the constant hail marries and wild finishes rather than methodical comebacks leads me to believe that Rodgers either sold his soul to the devil or he has a horseshoe shoved so far up his ass he can taste it when he burps. Stay woke, Rodgers wasn’t actually hurt, he just pulled a Paul Pierce and crapped his pants after getting planted by Mack and called for the wagon as cover up.                                                                                                                                     Packers 24 Bears 23

Jets @ Lions: Are the Jets back? No, seriously, are the New York Jets actually back? Sam Darnold threw a terrible pick 6 on his first real NFL snap and all hype came crashing back to earth like a real jet falling out of the sky. After that though the Jets defense looked like the ’85 Bears and 2000 Ravens had a football baby with the Legion of Boom as the god father and made Mathew Stafford look like Christian Hackenburg. Five interceptions with one going to the house, a punt return td and overall domination had the Jets actually looking like they knew what the hell they were doing, a rare sight indeed. Toss in Isaiah Crowell averaging 10 yards a carry and going for 2 tds and The Darnold looking actually good after that opening snap, suddenly the Jets might actually have gotten it right. I’m as shocked as everyone else. The Lions could not have played worse, they might actually have the prize for worst opening week performance considering that the Bills already knew they were punting on 2018. New head coach and part time mall Santa Matt Patricia couldn’t use his rocket science nerd power to dig Detroit out of this one. Matt Stafford got hurt at one point too because that’s what Matt Stafford does best and the Lions are back to not having any run game, as if they ever did since Barry Sanders pulled the rip cord and got the hell out of Dodge.                                                                     Jets 48 Lions 17

Rams @ Raiders: We’ll get to the game as a whole in a second but watching Marshawn Lynch still plow over NFL defenses like he did last night was amazing. He’s Ray Lewis playing running back. It makes me wonder if his early retirement was as much him reading the tea leaves and seeing that the Seahawks were a ticking time bomb and wanting to get out before it got ugly as it was his violent play style taking its toll. As for the rest of Chucky’s squad turns out the game plan wasn’t for them to take us back to 1990 and run the ball 60 times like we all thought it would be. Derek Carr ended up with 40 pass attempts on the night. In the first half Oakland came out on fire and took a somewhat surprising 13-10 lead into the locker room considering how high the expectations were for the Rams and low they were for the Raiders coming into week 1. After the intermission though the wheels started to come off for the silver and black. 17 total yards on offense in the 3rd quarter and 2 2nd half interceptions by Derek Carr is not going to get it done against a team as loaded as the Rams. For the L.A. team that I’m actually alright with referring to them by their location, things went pretty well. After a slow but competitive first half the win now program got fully installed and they put the clamps on Oakland in the 2nd. Hopefully that trend continues for the rest of this season because it’s not going to be too long before the roster is going to have to get blown up for cap reasons. The real takeaway from this game though is that Monday Night Football without listening to Gruden speaking football guy gibberish for the entire game just isn’t the same, but I can’t wait to hear the mic’d up clips from every Raider game this season. Rams 33 Raiders 13

How’d your fantasy team do to start the season? Yeah no one actually cares, we all would’ve won if we started that one guy and if all our aunts had dicks they’d be our uncles. We’re on to week 2.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter @LlFired