Category: lifestyle

Kick Start Your Weekend By Seeing How Many Ways You Violated The BYU Honor Code

Do you know that BYU celebrates Oktoberfest by serving chocolate milk in their library? No, seriously. On October 4th the cougars hosted the annual Milktoberfesr celebration in their library.

“The holiday where you drink chocolate milk and do homework.” Might as well add helping an elderly member of the opposite gender cross the street to the list and really make it a day of debauchery.

I’m not hating on chocolate milk, it’s delicious and I enjoy it over all other liquid dairy products but this is just too adorable. Oktoberfest is a day, at least in the bastardized USA fashion I’ve seen it, is a day that should result in puke stained lederhosen. I guess that’s still on the table here but just for the handful of fresh off the boat German kids studying at BYU that have a bit of a lactose problem. Do you think they do some Das Boots of whole milk after a big basketball win?

It’s been a long week in the cube and in honor of our collective desire to let loose let’s take a look at one of the easiest ground rules there is when it comes to having a good time. As comedian Daniel Tosh once said, “Remember kids you’re not having fun if you’re not breaking the BYU honor code.” So let’s make sure we all have some fun this weekend and take a look at the checklist.

No Tea or Coffee– Right off the bat I’m screwed. My first piss of the morning has smelled like a fresh pot of Dunkin’s dark roast since I was in high school. I know it’s probably not great to have a raging caffeine dependency before your first legal beer but as the saying goes, if you’re going to dance with the devil yo u might as well lead.

Visitors of the Opposite Sex Can’t Be in Your Bedroom or Bathroom– Now this is just isn’t practical. What if I had a lovely gal over to work on some homework or a little late night holy text (ya got me, I don’t know what their book is called) study and she got a classic case of dinning hall diarrhea? If you’v ever eaten in a dinning hall you know exactly what I’m talking about. Is BYU trying to tell me that their food is that much better than everyone else’s? That’s a little presumptuous if you ask me. I don’t even care about the bedroom rule, I’m just trying to be a proper host and I’m not quite sure how to do that if I’m forced to make my guests shit in the streets.

Men Can’t Have Long Hair or Beards– As a man who’s genetically predisposed to look like a folk singer who’s been on the road for months I feel personally attacked by this. Think of all the time I could spend drinking chocolate milk and not holding hands but instead I’m stuck shaving my face down to baby’s ass smooth every morning. This is unjust and I won’t stand for it.

Women Can Only Have One Ear Pierced– This ones weird. Is it because two ears is too flashy or prostitutey? Is it because shiny things scare Mormons and they need to put some type of governor on this problem before mass hysteria breaks out? What about multiple piercings in one ear? What’s their stance on a Prince Henry (don’t google it)?

No Premarital Sex/Porn– Remember when that BYU basketball player got kicked off the team right before the NCAA Tournement because he admitted to having sex with his girlfriend? First off, how did that investigation get started? Was his next door neighbor being kept up all night by unidentified creaking heard through the wall? Was she a screamer? Was he a screamer? Either way just lie dude, it’s really that simple. I’d like to pose a question to the chancellor of BYU, yes I’m too lazy to look your name up. Would you buy a car without taking it on a test drive first? Just checking. Also, have you ever decided to treat yourself to a little Pornhub Premium account? If you did you’d know why this rule is simply ludicrous.

No Homosexual Behavior– Here’s a tough one. What do you mean by “behavior?” Penetration? Or am I gonna have some explaining to do if I’m jamming to my guilty pleasures playlist and It’s Raining Men comes on? Don’t judge. What I’m saying is that there’s a lot of colors in the rainbow, which ones are going to make me late to my chem lab?

Shoes are Required in All Public Areas– Finally something the Mormons and I agree on. I don’t want to see your nasty feet and you sure as hell don’t want to see what I got going on in these socks. Think of the little piggies after a trip to Big Al’s Slaughter House.

No Profanity– Fuck that. Shit, sorry. In my defense there’s no need to be such a bitch about this.

No Sleeveless Shirts or Form Fitting Clothing– Is BYU problematic because they bodyshame? Think about it.

How long did you last? My application burst into flames the second it hit the admissions office.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

How Would I Vontae?

Vontae Davis retiring at halftime of the Bills game against the Chargers has dominated my mind since Sunday afternoon. How can it not? The man pulled off a hall of fame resignation and somehow transformed himself from a solid but not memorable NFL vet into a sports trivia night legend that will never die.

So now I’m proposing that we officially add ‘vontae’ into the collective lexicon of cube crops everywhere. However, vonte can’t be left at just leaving leaving a job with no warning, that’s already known as an Irish Goodbye or what my dad did after they figured out I would always be a terrible baseball player. Maybe he just got taken into The Upside Down and is trying to barter for his freedom from the Demigorgon with a pack of Cloves. Is Stranger Things still a thing? I only watch one show a year just so I have something to talk about with people at bars.

No, a vontae has to be something of an even greater scope in order to properly honor this mailtime legend. So here is my formal submission to whoever is in charge of making words words (you’d think as a former librarian I might have a better idea at who is in charge of that).

Vontae – verb – To quit a job in a manor in which the story of how you do it leaves a story that will long outlast your coworkers at the time.

Get on it Merriam!

So obviously the next step in this  blog is to ponder what some of the best ways I would vonte. Now for the sake of an equal playing field the sun was shinning bright on you one day and your Friday night ritual of picking up a Mega Millions ticket along with a six pack of your choosing finally paid off and your lucky numbers finally hit. Mr. Davis isn’t exactly diving into the unknown, he managed to rack up a $53 million in career earnings over the past 10 years.

I know a lot of people that might be fed up with their jobs might want to take this hall pass to lay into their boss or coworkers about pass transgressions but being a dick doesn’t earn you legendary status and if you get too caught up in the moment it might end with the cops getting called. No, kill them with kindness, blow their minds, leave them with a story they’ll be dying to tell everyone from the new intern, their buddies at the bar, and strangers on the internet because a relevant thread on Reddit stirred up that glorious memory. Neil Armstrong is the only person to be able to lay claim to the first man to step foot on the moon but everyone who saw that unfold will never forget it.

My first delusion of grandeur involves a fading celebrity sex tape star, some foam cannons, a Cinderella-esq horse drawn carriage, and the guy that played Lloyd in Entourage.

Anyone know what Paris Hilton is up to these days? Apparently she’s a celebrity DJ that goes around and performs(?) at hotels and casinos. Let’s set the scene. It’s noon on Monday, I called in saying I wouldn’t be coming in until the afternoon because of an appointment. The appointment was to go over the set list with Paris, it’s just an endless shuffle of Sandstorm, Levels, and an EDM remix of I’m Blue.

Lunch time rolls around and everyone is heading out to their cars to go to their preferred (the only) sandwich shop near out office when they hear the iconic duh-duh-duh-duh-duh from Sandstorm. Off in the field next to our building I’m hosting my own personal Dayglow. Mixed in with the foam being shot out of the cannons are replicas of the billion dollar check I just received from the New York Lottery. Am I rolling on enough molly to permanently rewire my brain? Doesn’t matter, no more cooperate mandated piss tests for ya boy but yes. After I’ve had my fun I get to live out the dream everyone who watched Entourage really had and that’s to scream at the top of my lungs “LLOYD, no more calls I’m done with this place.” Then Lloyd pops out of a bush and scurries off to my cube to handle the paperwork and formalities resulting from my vontae. I’m on a lot of drugs at this point but I’m also responsible person so rather than driving off into the metaphorical sunset I enter my carriage and ride off as far as those horse will take me. There’s not enough room for my newfound ego and Ms. Hilton so she’ll have to figure out her exit. A job with an okay salary and health insurance just opened up so if she’s looking to find something more stable than DJing maybe she sticks around to discuss terms.

My other idea “only” requires the cast of The Sandlot. We saw at that Dodgers game that they’re all still available for the most part but I think I have the cash assets now to pursued The Jet to make an appearance too.

I go into work Monday morning and carry on business as usual. When suddenly the original boys of summer burst into the office and challenge us to a game for the fate of our facility in a Space Jam esq fashion. Obviously we have to accept this challenge, momma didn’t raise no punk ass bitches. It’s the bottom of the 9th, my companies up to bat, there’s two out and it’s a tie game. You already know how this plays out, exactly according to the script I sent with the million dollar check. Ya boy steps up to the plate with Ham Porter chirping in my ear, I point off into the distance calling my shot. The pitcher serves me up a meat ball and I mash it into the stratosphere. Rounding the bases on my homerun trot I pat our opponents on the back as I go by, on the surface it looks like I’m just displaying great sportsmanship but really I’m slipping them all a few extra hundreds for a job well done. Everyone’s so caught up in the theatrics of what just happened that they don’t realize that after stepping on home plate I kept on walking and am now too far away to see where I went. A true walk-off.

How would you vontae?

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired