Kick Start Your Weekend By Seeing How Many Ways You Violated The BYU Honor Code

Do you know that BYU celebrates Oktoberfest by serving chocolate milk in their library? No, seriously. On October 4th the cougars hosted the annual Milktoberfesr celebration in their library.

“The holiday where you drink chocolate milk and do homework.” Might as well add helping an elderly member of the opposite gender cross the street to the list and really make it a day of debauchery.

I’m not hating on chocolate milk, it’s delicious and I enjoy it over all other liquid dairy products but this is just too adorable. Oktoberfest is a day, at least in the bastardized USA fashion I’ve seen it, is a day that should result in puke stained lederhosen. I guess that’s still on the table here but just for the handful of fresh off the boat German kids studying at BYU that have a bit of a lactose problem. Do you think they do some Das Boots of whole milk after a big basketball win?

It’s been a long week in the cube and in honor of our collective desire to let loose let’s take a look at one of the easiest ground rules there is when it comes to having a good time. As comedian Daniel Tosh once said, “Remember kids you’re not having fun if you’re not breaking the BYU honor code.” So let’s make sure we all have some fun this weekend and take a look at the checklist.

No Tea or Coffee– Right off the bat I’m screwed. My first piss of the morning has smelled like a fresh pot of Dunkin’s dark roast since I was in high school. I know it’s probably not great to have a raging caffeine dependency before your first legal beer but as the saying goes, if you’re going to dance with the devil yo u might as well lead.

Visitors of the Opposite Sex Can’t Be in Your Bedroom or Bathroom– Now this is just isn’t practical. What if I had a lovely gal over to work on some homework or a little late night holy text (ya got me, I don’t know what their book is called) study and she got a classic case of dinning hall diarrhea? If you’v ever eaten in a dinning hall you know exactly what I’m talking about. Is BYU trying to tell me that their food is that much better than everyone else’s? That’s a little presumptuous if you ask me. I don’t even care about the bedroom rule, I’m just trying to be a proper host and I’m not quite sure how to do that if I’m forced to make my guests shit in the streets.

Men Can’t Have Long Hair or Beards– As a man who’s genetically predisposed to look like a folk singer who’s been on the road for months I feel personally attacked by this. Think of all the time I could spend drinking chocolate milk and not holding hands but instead I’m stuck shaving my face down to baby’s ass smooth every morning. This is unjust and I won’t stand for it.

Women Can Only Have One Ear Pierced– This ones weird. Is it because two ears is too flashy or prostitutey? Is it because shiny things scare Mormons and they need to put some type of governor on this problem before mass hysteria breaks out? What about multiple piercings in one ear? What’s their stance on a Prince Henry (don’t google it)?

No Premarital Sex/Porn– Remember when that BYU basketball player got kicked off the team right before the NCAA Tournement because he admitted to having sex with his girlfriend? First off, how did that investigation get started? Was his next door neighbor being kept up all night by unidentified creaking heard through the wall? Was she a screamer? Was he a screamer? Either way just lie dude, it’s really that simple. I’d like to pose a question to the chancellor of BYU, yes I’m too lazy to look your name up. Would you buy a car without taking it on a test drive first? Just checking. Also, have you ever decided to treat yourself to a little Pornhub Premium account? If you did you’d know why this rule is simply ludicrous.

No Homosexual Behavior– Here’s a tough one. What do you mean by “behavior?” Penetration? Or am I gonna have some explaining to do if I’m jamming to my guilty pleasures playlist and It’s Raining Men comes on? Don’t judge. What I’m saying is that there’s a lot of colors in the rainbow, which ones are going to make me late to my chem lab?

Shoes are Required in All Public Areas– Finally something the Mormons and I agree on. I don’t want to see your nasty feet and you sure as hell don’t want to see what I got going on in these socks. Think of the little piggies after a trip to Big Al’s Slaughter House.

No Profanity– Fuck that. Shit, sorry. In my defense there’s no need to be such a bitch about this.

No Sleeveless Shirts or Form Fitting Clothing– Is BYU problematic because they bodyshame? Think about it.

How long did you last? My application burst into flames the second it hit the admissions office.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

NFL Week 4: Don’t Tease Me Rodger

September football is weird. In college it seems like it’s 90% blowouts because all the teams that get air time are throttling lesser teams and in the pros you’ve got teams that are still figuring it out since the only point of the preseason these days is to work 50 fringe guys down to the final 10 roster spots. There’s no film on new schemes and players teams are trotting out and on a week to week basis anyone can beat anyone. It makes for exciting Sundays but nauseating Monday-Fridays listening to talking heads explain why 60 minutes in mid-September is enough to write the fate of late January in stone, only to walk it all back the next week. It’s like having that hot and cold couple in your friend group. In the moment watching it all go down in flames over an unopened snapchat on a Friday night is very entertaining, but dealing with the fallout as they begrudgingly wobble from the ashes like a hungover phoenix makes you want to take a blindside rush from Aaron Donald. With that being said, here’s my flock of week 4 wobbling phoenixes.

-Can We Stop With This Song and Dance: I’d like to issue a new rule for the media as a whole. Can everyone chill with the “New England is dead” takes in September? Remember 2014 when the Chiefs crushed the Pats in week 4 and Trent Dilfer dropped “they’re not good anymore” or just last season when they were giving up a million yards a game and were 2-2 after September? Both of those seasons ended in February at the Superbowl. Am I insinuating that the Patriots going to their 4th Superbowl in 5 seasons this year? Absolutely. So from here on out why don’t we all just relax with pre-October hot takes and let Bill and Brady do what they do. Edelman is back and Brady says that he can’t wait to put in even more work with Josh Gordon, keep sounding off about the cliff all you want but just realize that you’ll just be keeping @OldTakesExposed filled with fresh content come January. No matter how much you want to fight it, the machine marches on. The least you can do is get out of the way so you don’t end up smeared across the windshield like a bug.

-Earl Thomas is the New Cube Crop Hero: Earl Thomas is the last man standing from The Legion of Boom and it’s really not by choice. He’s made it very clear that he wants no part in being in Seattle time and time again but here he was suiting up for them in 2018. It really sucked to see him go down with another injury after breaking his leg against Arizona this week because he is a hall of fame talent and so much of the animosity between he and the franchise comes from him wanting to get a better contract knowing that he as a play away from it possibly being over. Why is he my new cube crop hero? Because he was fed up with his employer and now that it is a matter of time until he gets to sign with another team and there was no point in maintaining any sort of functioning relationship with the franchise he tossed up a fuck you salute from the meat wagon. Imagine wanting out of a company so bad because you felt like they disrespected you and you kept telling them something bad was going to happen. Then the shoe drops, you tell them I told you so and say fuck it, I’m out in front of everyone. Forget optics or PR, that’s just you doing something because damnit it feels right. Go get yours Earl.

-Where are My Ties: 2018 is the year of the tie, I used to be in the “this isn’t soccer, ties are for losers” camp but I’ve had a change in heart because from the outside watching two teams and fan bases have an existential crisis over if they should be happy or pissed is entertaining. Maybe it was seeing Cleveland celebrate a tie like the entire city just cashed in a winning lottery ticket that made me see the beauty of sports purgatory. Week 4 almost gave us the holy grail of ties, a two-fer. Cleveland-Oakland, if the Browns managed to hold onto their lead in regulation how picture perfect would that have been. Baker leads a comeback in his first real pro football action and then follows it up by knocking off Oakland and sending Gruden to 0-4. It would’ve been rather poetic to see this young star who embodies everything the old vanguard of pro sports seems to hate (cocky, loud, lacking prototypical measurable) sending a guy who seems to be stuck in 1999 into the hell that is a winless September. Nope, the sports gods shot their one Cleveland shot for a kid from Akron in a 3-1 hole and Oakland rallied to kick a game winning field goal with less than 2 minutes left in OT. Indy robbed us of another potential tie by going for it on 4th down inside their own territory with less than a minute left. I actually respect playing for the win but with the Chucky Pags one shinning moment still in the back of everyone’s mind (you know what play I’m talking about) the roasting for this call was inevitable. Either way, GIVE. ME. MORE. TIES.

-Back to Reality: Hey ho Buffalo, where’d ya go? Does anyone know? Well that was fun week where we thought the Bills might not actually be hot garbage. This is why early season hot takes are so dumb. The Bills beat the Vikings by 21, but then lost to the Packers by 22, but they also lost to the Ravens by 44, who lost to the Bengals by 11, who lost to the Panthers by 10, who lost to… You see where I’m going with this. Anything in the NFL on a week to week basis before November is a total crap shoot. I worked out the math at the end of this chain and I came to the conclusion that the Browns and Lions are going to tie in the Superbowl 2-2. Book it.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

Goodbye David Wright

Damn.

It’s been a few days and all I’ve done since is rewatch the video where he walks off the field one last time in the 5th inning last Saturday night. Anytime I see it I watch it. David Wright, the guy I unsuccessfully modeled my baseball career after, is retired.

I’ve been to many Mets games in my life. Pretty much 3 or 4 a year. It’s a great place to get sloshed at underage since you don’t need to find someone’s house to do it at and you can take the train to/from. You’re willing to pay $12 for a can of bud light? You can be 7 years old for all they care. I’ve been to 3? Mets games this year, one I honestly couldn’t tell you who they played at the first one and the other we showed up with 1 out in the top of the 9th. We were surprisingly let in, and this is another game I couldn’t tell you who they played. But the last Mets game of the year I attended was the penultimate (680 on the reading part of the SAT #kachow #Harvard) game of the season. 2 weeks ago you could’ve bought $6 tickets to the game, as Steven Matz (who quietly had a strong finish to the season) was lined up to start against TBD Marlins pitcher. That all changed at the 1:45 press conference in mid September. I remember the time because I was having a good productive day at work, grinding away saving cities like I do. I see a notification from Instagram that the Mets are going live, and I knew it was about Wright due to a tweet from the day before. I fully expected him to be announcing he’ll be active the final two weeks of the season, after his seemingly successful minor league rehab assignment. The press conference loads and it’s my man David Wright, but much to my dismay the grim reaper Jeff Wilpon 🤮 is sitting besides him. This could only mean bad news, because Jeff Wilpon is the epitome (#680) of bad news. David’s crying, Jeff is being a douche like usual, and I’m sitting at my desk completely ignoring my work that I obviously can’t do the rest of the day. I rush to stubhub knowing I’ll never forgive myself if I don’t go see the captain odd one last time. $12 tickets, upper deck by third base?!? What a score, I enter my credit card number (compare mine with your number and security code and expiration date in the comments below) and just like that, BAM!… they’re already sold. I rush to get another set of $15 tix, and poof they’re gone too. Stubhub is losing its mind trying to handed the influx of traffic, saying tickets are available when they’re not or saying the game is sold out, just really stressing me out when all I want to do is see the captain and go back to my job saving the city. Finally I buy 2 tix for $35 each, row 5 of the promenade in the wheelchair row (which was beyond great, more on that another time). Cha boy is going to Citi Field.

Game day rolls around, and tickets in my section we’re going for $300, 10x (710 on my math SAT #kachow) what I paid for them. Couldn’t sell out the captain like that though, plus it’d give the Wilpons more money, so I kept them and embarked on my trip to Flushing (which began with the 🍊 losing to the 🐯 RIP). We arrive at 6:15, almost an hour before first pitch, and the whole parking lot is full. I knew it was a sellout but didn’t actually expect it to be a full sellout. But everyone showed up, wether by car or train or parachute.

The concourse inside is mobbed with people, David Wright jerseys as far as the eye can see. We have time to kill so we walk around the long way to our seats, crossing the Shea Bridge and past shake shack which was busy as always. The typical problem with Citi Field is that it’s so nice and so easy to walk around is that it’ll look more empty than it really is, because people want to see the different parts of the stadium. But once 7:00 rolled around and they began announcing the starting lineups, there wasn’t a soul walking around anymore, everyone was in their seats. They announce the Marlins players of whom I knew maybe 3, then they start announcing the Mets. Jose Reyes, an equally popular and huge part of Mets history, leads off. He gets a very solid ovation, and they pause for a few seconds to let him take it in. Next is Jeff “East Coast Mike Trout” McNeil, who quietly finished the year with a .329 average in 63 games. Then the music stops and Citi Field gets as loud as I’ve ever heard it, rivaling the 2015 NLCS game I attended. For one last time, David Wright was announced as the starting 3rd baseman, batting third. A solid full minute of cheering and ovations, then the rest of the lineup is announced. David’s 2 year old daughter throws out the ceremonial first pitch (of which there were an absurd 3 ceremonial first pitches before this, and the 2 year olds was by far the best) and the place goes bonkers. This is followed by the Mets letting David take the field by himself, getting yet another well deserved ovation.

The rest of the night anytime David is within 50′ of the ball the whole crowd stands and cheers. Given his health he joked after that he’s “guarding the line” and Reyes will have to get everything else, which is basically what happened. In the field he got a sweet easy hop to throw out their catcher to retire the side, with the crowd sounding like it was a late inning playoff race vintage bare handed play by the captain. His two turns at bat were less than ideal, but they were exciting to watch nonetheless. Peter O’Brien giving us Irishmen a bad name by not “losing Wright’s pop up in the lights” but Wright doesn’t need meatballs grooves down the middle to go out in style #subtweet.

Top of the 5th comes along, kiss cam is doing its usual awkward romance making, and everything is good. Wright and Reyes were even put on the kiss cam where they hugged for the 2,000th time that night. Then a rush of disbelief overcame the 43,000 strong in attendance as Mickey Callaway comes out of the dugout, lineup card in hand. A hushed noooo fills the stadium, with a brief “let him play” chant before everyone finally realizes its a done deal. This is it, you won’t see David Wright on a baseball diamond ever again. Waterworks city from everyone, standing and clapping, cheering for the face of the franchise. The would-have-been hall of famer were it not for injuries gingerly walks off the field serenaded (#680) and with tears in his eyes. Captain America is done.

The only reason any of us were there was to see David, so him leaving after 4 innings kind of forced everyone to entertain themselves until Wright’s post game speech. Hey maybe a baseball game that we paid hundreds of dollars to see can entertain us until then! No sir, just 4.5 hours of horrific baseball on a chilly meaningless September night. Just pure torture, and I’m not kidding when it might arguably be the worst baseball game I’ve ever been to. 12.5 innings and a 0-0 tie. How these guys actually kept trying at this point is beyond me, I would’ve for sure let a few grounders roll on by because of a “bad hop.” But through the grace of God the game ended thanks to Austin Jackson’s walk off, and the Captain gave his final speech.

All in all for sure the best Mets game I’ve ever been to, and will only be rivaled by 6 time Cy-Young Winner/ 4 time World Series champion Jacob Degrom’s final game in 10 or so years.

Taking out an injury plagued 2012 season and not including his last few even more injury plagued seasons, Wright’s lowest average was .283, with every other year above .300. The guy was a hitting machine, smacking oppo field homers to right center off of any lefty they dared have pitch to him. A member of the 30/30 club, who routinely had 100+ RBI, the guy was on the fast track to the hall of fame. This obviously got derailed by his spinal stenosis, among other debilitating (#680) injuries. Will he get into the hall of fame? I say almost no chance, as his numbers were borderline to begin with, but who knows how they’ll view player trajectory and how much they did for their organization and community. Lesser players statistically are in, but his sample size might just be too small. Regardless he’ll be a Mets hall of famer and his number will be retired with Tom Seaver and Mike Piazza as Mets legends.

Special shout out to Jose Reyes as well, who despite walking away from the Mets (who in fairness never offered an actual contract to him) and his domestic violence issues, was just as big a star as David Wright was back for that 2006 team. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was a gigantic Jose guy since I was smaller and played short and won road runner at the youth baseball league all star game (yes that = big deal). The guy who turned doubles into triples and hands down the most exciting player I’ve ever seen is probably done with the Mets as well, really marking the end of an era. As in typical Mets fashion, 2006 should have been the beginning of an era that enjoyed success for a very long time, but sadly 2006 was the peak. Getting Wright to a World Series in 2015 (albeit losing it to the Royals) and having Wright go yard in his first home at bat in the fall classic is an all time Mets moment, an one of his best achievements.

I can’t wait for the Captain to manage/become GM/do whatever for the organization as they win the World Series in 2019, beginning the next New York Mets dynasty.

College Football Week 5: What We Learned

This weekend could’ve been an all-timer for ya boy. The Pats are back from the dead, I’m not sweating buckets whenever I go outside, and Sunday morning I nailed a 30ft birdie putt on 18 for force a tie in our family’s captain a crew golf outing. I got my first of many pumpkin spice coffees, say what you want that shit’s delicious. Everything was going my way, except for Saturday afternoon. Try to keep up if you want to know what went wrong.

-Rutgers Update: Rutgers football updates are our bread and butter here at IPGFFT, at this point I’m expecting my lifetime media credential to show up in the mail any day now. This week was actually pretty great by Scarlet Knight standards. No it wasn’t a bye week and therefore impossible for them to lose another game, I bet they’d find a way. America’s team stay home in New Jersey to take on Indiana and managed to lose in a non-blowout fashion. Rutgers entered the 4th quarter down 24-7 but managed to put together a 10-0 final frame to pull the game to within one possession but alas Saturday would not but the Knights day and the final score of 24-17 held true. Shout out to future New York Jets QB Artur Sitowski, seriously adding that missing ‘h’ would do wonders, had his best performance of the season going 18/35 for 154 a td and an int. His QBR of 34.8 was his best of the season. Consistency is key.

-Mormon Dreams Die: I’m honestly fascinated by how BYU has managed to construct a typically solid football program through the very narrow recruiting base of mormons and guys who are willing to abide by BYU’s downright absurd honor code. It doesn’t hurt that their “freshmen” are actually about 26 after going on their mission trip but finding other guys to fill out the roster is extremely impressive. BYU came into week 5 ranked 20th after getting a big road win at Wisconsin and this week they had another shot at knocking off a top tier opponent against Washington. Well God, Buddah, The Fly Spaghetti Monster or whatever the hell they believe in wasn’t on their side because the Huskies smoked them 35-7. The honor code explicitly bans homosexual behavior, will the team be allowed back on campus after getting fucked that hard by a bunch of other dudes? I’ll have to consult the gold tablets on that one.

-Joe Knew, Urban Knew, No One Knows Anything Anymore: Ohio State beat Penn State in a really close game, playoff implications, conference championships blah blah blah. What’s really important here is that we learned just how stupid the people running Ohio State’s PR really is. Earlier in the week they tossed out a poster hyping the game with only one word across the top of it, ‘Silence’. The athletics department said that it was meant to mean silence Penn States crowd and that they used the same message a few years ago. Here are my issues with this: 1. You already used this, be original goddamnit. 2. Literally no one in that office saw that and thought hey maybe not the best time for this one, let’s let the heat in the streets die down a little bit. If it’s that hard to come up with hype up material for a top-10 college football game float me a few bucks and I’ll come up with something for ya next time.

-Moral Victories Feel Good in the Same Way Getting Punched in the Dick is a Handjob: Syracuse had that win in the bag, I’m still upset about this days later and honestly depending on how the rest of this season plays out I may never quite recover from this. The Orange came into Clemson as a national buzz team that was clearly expected to get put in their place as indicated by the -24.5 Clemson line at kickoff. That was not how this dance played out at all. In the first half Syracuse was moving the ball and putting up points, albeit field goals rather than touchdowns. But even with Clemson at full strength Syracuse was going blow for blow with them in their house. Then Sunshine got sent back into 10th grade by a brutal, but clean, hit on a scramble that really had not shot of being anything positive. This was it, Syracuse had a 16-7 halftime lead and now Clemson was going to have to go to a guy that was always meant to be a career clipboard jockey to finish the game. This next 30 minutes of football was going to send Syracuse from frisky up-and-comer to where-did-they-come-from with an inside track to the ACC title game. The scars from my years as a season ticket holder during the Greg Robinson years would finally be healed in one glorious afternoon. But then Syracuse forgot that run defense is important and Travis Etienne curb stomped my hopes and dreams into oblivion. Really though 2 years ago Syracuse lost 54-0 at Clemson and now they’re here, looking at their schedule the rest of the way Notre Dame is the only team left that Syracuse would be a clear underdog against. Am I still sitting at my desk seething over every missed tackle, wide open running lane, dogshit man down field call? Yes, 1000% yes. If Syracuse is for real and closes out the year on a tear will this result haunt me as a what could’ve been? 10000% yes. On to the next one. Dino Babers to a struggling traditional power takes in 3…2…1….

I hate football, god I love it so much. Isn’t it the best?

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

NFL Week 3: Nothing Makes Sense Anymore

A moment of silence for our degenerate gamblers out there who put little Bobby’s college fund on some NFL games this week. I imagine seeing teams like the Bills, Giants, Browns, and Lions win and the Packers, Patriots, and Jaguars lose has to be the NFL gamblers equivalent to Black Wednesday in the stock market. On top of that the Seahawks might actually be not as bad as people expected, or the Cowboys stink, the Dolphins are 3-0 (10-1 in their last 11 games with Ryan Tannehill starting) and the Texans went from preseason hype machine to bottom dweller. I guess that’s why you play the games. We all spent our Sunday glued to the TV watching this unfold so we might as well talk about it.

-Open the Coolers: The impossible finally happened, the Cleveland Browns won a regular season football game. 635 days without tallying one in the win column and thanks to the dawning of the Baker Mayfield era and the ineptitude of the Jets it’s finally over. It couldn’t have been scripted much better for Mayfield’s first game. Despite being the first pick in the draft Baker will always have that underdog moniker attached to his name. No offers out of high school despite being a star, walks on at two different schools, ultimately becoming a shit-talkin-swag-walkin star all the way to a Hiesman. Through the draft process all you heard was attitude this and too small that, shout out Cowherd. Of course he gets tossed into his first meaningful snaps after an injury to Tyrod Taylor and leads a comeback to end the streak. Now if Baker keeps it rolling Jets fans will have flashbacks to 2001 when Mo Lewis inadvertently started the Brady era in New England. I will say I’m a little disappointed in the people of Cleveland, personally I was hoping for total Bud Light fueled chaos following the dramatic win similar to Philly after Budweiser offered to pick up the city’s bar tab following the Super Bowl. If Baker bring a Lombardi back to The Land I better see that river catch on fire again.

-Wagons = Circled: *Puts on zubaz sweat pants* YA KNOW THE BILLS MAKE ME WANT TO SHOUT! PUT MY HANDS UP AND SHOUT! COME ON SCREAM AND SHOUT! *takes off zubaz sweat pants* The Bills could not have been at more of a low point. Back to back blowout losses, players retiring at halftime, Bills mafia getting blackout drunk because they have too rather than want to. They walked into Minnesota as 16.5 point underdogs and somehow managed to lay an absolute beat down on the Vikings. A lot of this had to do with the Vikings not being able to hold onto the ball on their side of the field during the 1st half. Even a team that is seemingly as bad as Buffalo is going to capitalize when they start drives already in field goal range, hard to believe it but they are professional football players. Does this mean that they’ve turned it around already this season? Probably not but hey ho Buffalo is always more fun when there’s at least a glimmer of hope.

-Fitzys Back: MVP Fitzpatrick was a lot of fun while it lasted but for at least the first half of Monday’s game between Pittsburgh and Tampa Bay we saw some bit of familiarity in week 3. Three first half interceptions for Fitzmagic brought all of us riding that bandwagon back to the reality that he’s a serviceable backup who will occasionally destroy your teams chance of winning in the blink of an eye, see the week 17 game between the Bills and Jets from a few years ago. He still managed to put up 400+ yards and 3 touchdowns so instead of MVP Fitzy we can still hang on to gunslinger Fitzy which I’d much rather see than Jameis come back to be just okay enough to maybe stick with him because of potential. The Steelers won but are still a mess in the locker room but at least they’ve finally realized that their relationship with Bell isn’t salvageable and are now looking to trade him.

-Rodger Goodell Hates Clay Mathews: Remember when we all thought the helmate rule was going to end all competitive athletics as we know it? Turns out it’s the body weight rule is actually the new addition that is the football AIDS we all feared and Clay Mathews is Magic Johnson. It’s kinda like the NFL was squaring up for a fight with the fans and defensive players and while we were focusing on their hands they kicked us in the balls. That’s a bitch move Goodell and you know it. I don’t care what the NFL or it’s talking heads say, this is the Rodgers rule because of his glass collar bone. Stay woke, the Packers we’re really the ones who pushed for this and everyone else knew it’d be a shit show. The league saw an opportunity to create something relatively meaningless to distract everyone from the mountain of real issues (CTE, Kaep & Reid, Marvin Lewis still somehow being a head coach) and now they’re just fucking with the Packers by hitting them with one of these calls every week.

-Josh Rosens Coaches Hate Him: The Bears defense is really good. Maybe not ’85 good but Kahlil Mack could line up with them and still be an absolute star. He’s quickly starting to run away in the defensive player of the year race after adding 2 more sacks and another forced fumble to his unreal start to the season. All-Pro QBs are scared of that guy at any point in a game. Rookie QBs don’t stand a goddamn chance against him. Rookie QBs in an obvious passing situation with the game on the line shouldn’t even bother breaking the huddle. Rookie QBs taking their first snaps in an obvious passing situation with the game on the line with a bad team around them…you see where I’m going here. Josh Rosen was thrown into this game trailing 16-14 in the 4th quarter because, I can’t think of any reason why. Sure you can think “hey throw him in there and see what he can do, no pressure no diamonds.” But yikes this was an absolute no win situation for Rosen. That was like giving the scalpel to a new surgeon fresh out of Med school when the guy on the table is bleeding out and seconds away from flat lining. I’m not an NFL coach or a doctor but I may have preferred to give the rookie a simpler introduction to the big show.

-Wasn’t There Supposed to be a Sunday Night Game?: Shut up. Josh Gordon. In Bill we trust. I don’t want to talk about it.

We’re on to week 4.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

College Football Week 4: What We Learned

We’re back to football weather here in the Northeast and week 4 was probably the last one that was truly safe from an impromptu day at the apple orchard with the Mrs. Hand up, I actually love a nice fall day at an apple orchard, so long as it’s during Syracuse’s bye week or we get back in time for kick off. Hoodie weather, a crisp Red Delicious fresh from the tree, possibly a trip to the tasting room if you’re local establishment dabbles in ciders and hard liquor. Shout out Beak and Skiff and their apple vodka-mackintosh cider combo that tastes like apple pie and will put you on your ass and the top of any IG feed. Week 4 was for the boys though and we got a whole bushel of games to pick through (apple puns, I’m a goddamn beast).

-Your Weekly Rutgers Update: I never planned on IPGFFT to become the world wide leader in Rutgers Football coverage but here we are. I’m a man of the people and the people want to witness a train wreck without wasting their Saturday afternoons watching a D-3 caliber team get their brains beat in. 52-3 at Ohio State is expected, 55-14 at Kansas is embarrassing, 42-13 at home against Buffalo is downright sad. I hate to name names but to fully illustrate just how much of an exercise in futility the 2018-19 Rutgers season is I turn to their starting QB Artur (not a typo, it’s Artur and not Arthur) Sitkowski through 4 games is 39/80 passing for 329 yards 1 td and 7 interceptions. Football Jesus Tua Togoviola had 387 on 22 completions against Texas A&M while not playing in the 4th quarter. Again for the sake of the children, cancel Rutgers.

-Basketball Schools are the New Football Schools: Kentucky and Syracuse are a combined 8-0 on the season, the last time that happened was never. IPGFFT is a pretty bare bones operation so we don’t actually have a stats department to confirm this but it feels right. I said last week that I’m ready to sign in blood that Cuse is back and a 51-21 win over piss poor UConn obviously won’t change that one bit, I took Cuse -29.5, good teams win but great teams cover. Kentucky though is actually putting in work down in SEC country. A few weeks ago they beat Florida in the swamp and this week they laid a 28-7 beating on 14th ranked Mississippi State and is now going to creep up in the polls until Nov. 11th when they get smoked by Georgia. My only question is has Calipari’s bag man realized that serving a team with a 105 man roster a bit more lucrative than one with only 15? I’m not saying something’s up but people might be.

-Has Virginia vs UMBC Found its Equal: The worst performance of the week goes to those boys down in Blacksburg. Virginia Tech came into its home match up against Old Dominion ranked 13th in the nation, Old Dominion came in ranked 47th…in the FCS. Old Dominion was also 0-3 on the season, again they are and FCS team. Tech entered the 4th quarter with a 28-21 lead and then proceeded to get outscored 28-7 in the final frame. OD QB Blake LaRussa shredded Tech’s defense going for 495 yards and 4 tds and potentially kick started the first ever FCS Hiesman campaign? I’ll back that horse. This will probably draw memories of the App St Michigan game from 2007 but App St was actually coming off of back to back FCS national titles, Old Dominion came in ranked 47th in the FCS.

-Paywalls are Stupid: If you didn’t know that Army and Oklahoma played a fantastic game that ended with a Sooners win in overtime that’s okay, because the only people who saw it were the ones in the stadium. Not because there were better games being played on TV at the time, but because this game was a $55 pay per view. Hey NCAA, go fuck yourself $55. I’m defaulting the blaming the NCAA because they certainly had a hand in this and it’s a muscle reflex at this point to tell the National Communist Athletics Association to go fuck themselves. Seriously though, for $55 I could go down to BDubs and feast like a king while watching literally every single other game being played. The Superbowl isn’t even pay per view. Hey Oklahoma-Army, you’re not the Super Bowl, you’re not even Tiger v Phil. I’m not asking for much, I’m just asking you be better.

-Hey Nebraska, You Okay?: Last season Scott Frost kind of won a national title at UCF, depending on who you ask. Nebraska strolled on in and offered him a shit ton of money to revive their program back to the days of Tom Osborne, instead at least as of right now they’re getting Sharon Osborne. A home loss to Troy last week certainly was a swift kick in the corn cob for folks in Lincoln. The 56-10 thrashing they got against Michigan wasn’t necessarily unexpected but yikes that’s a good way to get people to hit the eject and pack it in, that’s a Rutgers score. Getting out gained 132 to 491 is not what you call championship caliber football, which Scott Frost is apparently familiar with.

The season’s starting to ripen up and early playoff bets are ready to be picked, just hope that your teams’ season doesn’t start to rot. Seriously, I’m a machine.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

How Would I Vontae?

Vontae Davis retiring at halftime of the Bills game against the Chargers has dominated my mind since Sunday afternoon. How can it not? The man pulled off a hall of fame resignation and somehow transformed himself from a solid but not memorable NFL vet into a sports trivia night legend that will never die.

So now I’m proposing that we officially add ‘vontae’ into the collective lexicon of cube crops everywhere. However, vonte can’t be left at just leaving leaving a job with no warning, that’s already known as an Irish Goodbye or what my dad did after they figured out I would always be a terrible baseball player. Maybe he just got taken into The Upside Down and is trying to barter for his freedom from the Demigorgon with a pack of Cloves. Is Stranger Things still a thing? I only watch one show a year just so I have something to talk about with people at bars.

No, a vontae has to be something of an even greater scope in order to properly honor this mailtime legend. So here is my formal submission to whoever is in charge of making words words (you’d think as a former librarian I might have a better idea at who is in charge of that).

Vontae – verb – To quit a job in a manor in which the story of how you do it leaves a story that will long outlast your coworkers at the time.

Get on it Merriam!

So obviously the next step in this blog is to ponder what some of the best ways I would vonte. Now for the sake of an equal playing field the sun was shinning bright on you one day and your Friday night ritual of picking up a Mega Millions ticket along with a six pack of your choosing finally paid off and your lucky numbers finally hit. Mr. Davis isn’t exactly diving into the unknown, he managed to rack up a $53 million in career earnings over the past 10 years.

I know a lot of people that might be fed up with their jobs might want to take this hall pass to lay into their boss or coworkers about pass transgressions but being a dick doesn’t earn you legendary status and if you get too caught up in the moment it might end with the cops getting called. No, kill them with kindness, blow their minds, leave them with a story they’ll be dying to tell everyone from the new intern, their buddies at the bar, and strangers on the internet because a relevant thread on Reddit stirred up that glorious memory. Neil Armstrong is the only person to be able to lay claim to the first man to step foot on the moon but everyone who saw that unfold will never forget it.

My first delusion of grandeur involves a fading celebrity sex tape star, some foam cannons, a Cinderella-esq horse drawn carriage, and the guy that played Lloyd in Entourage.

Anyone know what Paris Hilton is up to these days? Apparently she’s a celebrity DJ that goes around and performs(?) at hotels and casinos. Let’s set the scene. It’s noon on Monday, I called in saying I wouldn’t be coming in until the afternoon because of an appointment. The appointment was to go over the set list with Paris, it’s just an endless shuffle of Sandstorm, Levels, and an EDM remix of I’m Blue.

Lunch time rolls around and everyone is heading out to their cars to go to their preferred (the only) sandwich shop near out office when they hear the iconic duh-duh-duh-duh-duh from Sandstorm. Off in the field next to our building I’m hosting my own personal Dayglow. Mixed in with the foam being shot out of the cannons are replicas of the billion dollar check I just received from the New York Lottery. Am I rolling on enough molly to permanently rewire my brain? Doesn’t matter, no more cooperate mandated piss tests for ya boy but yes. After I’ve had my fun I get to live out the dream everyone who watched Entourage really had and that’s to scream at the top of my lungs “LLOYD, no more calls I’m done with this place.” Then Lloyd pops out of a bush and scurries off to my cube to handle the paperwork and formalities resulting from my vontae. I’m on a lot of drugs at this point but I’m also responsible person so rather than driving off into the metaphorical sunset I enter my carriage and ride off as far as those horse will take me. There’s not enough room for my newfound ego and Ms. Hilton so she’ll have to figure out her exit. A job with an okay salary and health insurance just opened up so if she’s looking to find something more stable than DJing maybe she sticks around to discuss terms.

My other idea “only” requires the cast of The Sandlot. We saw at that Dodgers game that they’re all still available for the most part but I think I have the cash assets now to pursued The Jet to make an appearance too.

I go into work Monday morning and carry on business as usual. When suddenly the original boys of summer burst into the office and challenge us to a game for the fate of our facility in a Space Jam esq fashion. Obviously we have to accept this challenge, momma didn’t raise no punk ass bitches. It’s the bottom of the 9th, my companies up to bat, there’s two out and it’s a tie game. You already know how this plays out, exactly according to the script I sent with the million dollar check. Ya boy steps up to the plate with Ham Porter chirping in my ear, I point off into the distance calling my shot. The pitcher serves me up a meat ball and I mash it into the stratosphere. Rounding the bases on my homerun trot I pat our opponents on the back as I go by, on the surface it looks like I’m just displaying great sportsmanship but really I’m slipping them all a few extra hundreds for a job well done. Everyone’s so caught up in the theatrics of what just happened that they don’t realize that after stepping on home plate I kept on walking and am now too far away to see where I went. A true walk-off.

How would you vontae?

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

NFL Week 2: Welcome to The Fitzmagic Kingdom

Week 2 of the NFL was a grab bag of oddities, head scratchers and eye openers. Recapping every game is hard to do when you don’t live in a Buffalo Wild Wings and have boilers to sell so we’ll stick to the top of the pile this time around.

-Vonte Davis is a hero for all of us who struggle with a soul sucking 9-5 and I won’t stand to see his name tarnished. Who hasn’t been on their way back from lunch and thought “what if I just don’t come back?” In fact I’m looking to pick up a jersey to wear next casual Friday to honor my new idol, I’m in Bills country so I could probably get it pretty cheap. There’s no way to sugar coat this, the 2018-19 Buffalo Bills are not good at football, I can’t speak on the level of their skills in areas such as break dancing, competitive yo-yo-ing, or cricket, but I’m certain they not good at winning games in the NFL. Vonte Davis realized this when his team was down 28-6 at halftime against the Chargers so he decided to give his teammates an all-time Irish Goodbye. The best part about it is that his 5 million dollar salary is guaranteed because he made the week 1 roster. He didn’t play in week 1 and finished this season with 1 tackle. I’m sure there’s some type of recourse where he won’t be getting all 5 million but his dollars per tackle from this season is going to rival Dwayne Bowes dollars per reception from his days with Kansas City. I don’t blame him, this was his 10th season in the NFL. If he decided that he didn’t want to take the abuse of an NFL season with a team that has a ceiling of 4-12 and he can handle the flak that’s going to get thrown his way then to him I say, do you boo-boo.

Good Will Hunting is one of my favorite movies, the ending never ceases to put a smile on my face. Spoiler alert: Matt Damon’s got to go see about a girl. Just leaving without any fanfare for the sake of doing what your gut is telling to do. Screw the long drawn out farewell tours, this is the type of retirement I want to see.

-Ties are like kissing your sister, but what if your sister’s hot? I don’t have a sister so it’s not weird for me to type that out. Ties kind of suck but if it’s a good game then how am I supposed to feel about them. Two weeks down and we’ve already seen two ties in the NFL but if we’re being honest they were both pretty entertaining games. Week 1 we had Cleveland mount a 4th quarter comeback capped off by Flash Gordon teasing fantasy football players world wide only to have a blocked field goal leave those coolers of Bud Light sealed like a cursed pharaohs tomb. In Week 2 we had the Vikings and Packers combine for 31 4th quarter points with Captain Kirk dropping a dime to Kiss Stealin Wheelin Thielen in the final minute to tie it up. Seconds later Rodgers almost did some more Rodgers shit but Mike Zimmer iced Mason Crosby like they were college roommates. Then after hearing about how Zane Gonzalez kept the coolers shut, and seeing Crosby blow it at the gun, Daniel Carlson said watch this shit and missed two potential game winners in OT including a 35 yard chip shot in the final seconds. It was entertaining. It was dramatic. It was a tie. Winning is officially on the hot seat because 2018 is the year of the tie.

-Is Ryan Fitzpatrick leading the NFL MVP race through 2 weeks? 819 yards on 78% completion rate with 8 tds with a Tampa Bay team that had zero expectations before losing their starting QB for the first 3 weeks makes me think he might be. Plus he’s done this against two of the best teams in the NFC from last season. Up next for Fitzy is a prime time showcase against a Steelers defense that just gave up 6 tds to Patrick Mahomes. Whatever the line is for Fitzpatrick touchdowns in that game I’m hammering the over because after years of being just okay enough to stick around his Harvard brain has apparently figured out the NFL. Step aside Disney, The Fitzmagic Kingdom is the new happiest place on Earth.

Remember that guy that went to South Beach for Spring Break, tried coke once, made out with a Hispanic chick and came back thinking they were Pit Bull?

Yeah, me neither.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

Meet and Greet with the Jesus of Yeet

Hello one, hello all.

In an act of desperation after seeing his site views begin to plateau, our Prez, Ya Boy, has decided to expand his IPGFFT (catchy, isn’t it?) (yeah, I know it’s not) (if you split it up so it’s IPG-FFT it kinda rhymes though) team from one to three. While the other contributor is feeble, boring, and overall just one of the worst human beings I have ever had the displeasure of meeting, I will be the savior of this site. Hmm, that doesn’t seem to adequately describe just how important and beloved I will grow to be as a contributor to IPGFFT. How about the LORD and savior? Yeah, that seems more appropriate. A few years down the line you will all look back at this day fondly, the day your lives were forever changed, the day you were introduced to YEET JESUS.

So, let me tell you all a little bit about myself. Much like Ya Boy, I’m a Central New York native who is now wasting his life away in a cube farm. However, unlike Ya Boy, I have actually been able to escape the desolate, snowy wasteland that is our hometown for greener pastures. Well, there’s not a whole lot of green here actually. More like pastures filled with annoying accents, traffic patterns that will make you suicidal, and the worst sports fans in the continental United States. Well, if you count the Celtics then I guess there is some green. Anyway, I reside in the greater Boston area. Where exactly? That’s for me to know, and the prettiest of you to find out.

I’m a sports fan, faithfully following the good (Syracuse basketball, Cleveland Indians, Philadelphia 76ers), the bad (Syracuse football), and the ugly (Cleveland Browns).

Music plays a rather large role in my life, and every Friday I attempt to listen to all the new relevant music that I can find (or at least that is available on Spotify). #NMFBitches. I’m open to any genre, yet hip hop and EDM seem to be the ones that I am most drawn to. Except country, fuck country.

Additionally, while on the topic of music, I firmly believe that Juicy J is the greatest musician of our generation, and dare you to try to persuade me otherwise. His lyricism (“Slob on my knob/like corn on the cob”, “my bitch ask me do I love her/I tell her yes”, “and that pussy ain’t that good shit just was alright/had to call my homie and tell him that it just all hype” ) brings a tear to my eye every time I listen to one of his masterpieces that us laymen refer to as ‘songs’. He is an absolute poet whose talent will never be even remotely rivaled.

Anyway, my boss would like for me to do some actual work, so I guess I’ll have to wrap up. Essentially, I don’t know exactly what I’ll be writing about on IPGFFT. It’ll likely be focused around sports and music, with a few personal anecdotes, but to be honest who the fuck really knows. Just so long as it keeps my attention away from my farty cube life.

As YEET JESUS, it will be my pleasure to bless you all multiple (?) times a week (??). Maybe more or less frequently. Who knows. Who gives a shit.

-YJ

(P.S. if you’re looking for someone to follow on Twitter that tweets something moderately amusing once every couple of months or so, @CrampyRatPoison is your guy. And that’s definitely not me. Nope. No way. Although I wish I had half the sense of humor that that guy has. He’s also incredibly dreamy. I get lost in his eyes. So, all in all, a solid Twitter follow.)

A/S/L

Nyc

Shoutout my Omegle gang from years past. This is my first blog, the boss will probably get one a week if he’s lucky, maybe one a month. But I have 50% equity in the site as of now, so doesn’t matter. Even if he does make a stink about it I’ll just make a blog without the apostrophe so the lazy folks out there like myself who spell Ill as ill will find that site first. Big moves by big boys.

P.S. jets have the same record as the patriots