‘Twas the Night Before College Football

‘Twas the night before college football, when all through the land no one was on the field, not even the band.

The goal post were raised, by the end zone with care. In the hopes that Lane Kiffin would be there;

The players were nestled all snug in their bed, while visions of Kirby and The Coach danced in their heads;

And Harbagh in his kakis, and Malzan in his vest, had just settled down for a quick pregame rest.

When out on the campus there arose sounds that elate, fans had already gone out to the lot to tailgate.

Away to the stadium I flew like a flash, tore through the banner and fireworks did flash.

The moon was on the breast of fresh cut grass, gave the luster of linebackers ready to whoop some ass.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear, but a running back, he turned the corner and was in the clear.

With short choppy steps, so dynamic and quick, he was moving like someone’s thumb was on the joystick.

More rapid than Bryce Love he charged to the endzone, and he called out the names of coaches ascending the throne.

“Now, Dino! Now, Dabo! Now, Gundy and Kelly! On, Fisher! On, Frost! On, Saban! On, Leach!

To the top of the poll! Now dive on the ball!

Have Phyllis from Mulga go tell PAUL!”

As yellow flags that nosy referees let fly, when met with adversity, the team never says die.

So up to the playoffs their game plans they drew, with a bag full of tricks, Coach Kiffin has two.

And then, in a rumbling, I heard in the stands, the roar of a crowd and clapping of hands.

As they rose to their feet, creating quite a sound, out of the tunnel Coach Kiffin came with a bound.

He was dressed in Adidas from his visor to shoes, and his players well coached at positions they choose.

A call sheet of plays he had gripped in his hand, and he looked like a general ready to command.

His plays — how they wowed! His schemes how cunning!

Play fakes like magic, defense never saw it coming.

His QB was set, in a pocket so clean, surrounded by linemen, so big, strong, so mean.

His headset held tight gripping over his ear, he was focused, the crowd may have not been here.

He had luscious locks and a smile so sly, it’s no wonder recruits see him and say “that’s my guy.”

He was clever and funny, a true modern day coach, sound bites galore when the media approach.

A change of play, a quick scan of the field, the fans need not worry, his offense won’t yield.

He spoke not a word, but simply winked his eye, this subtle note told his QB to let it fly.

And before the snap he already knew, a touchdown scored and they’ll go for two.

He leapt off his feet, to his team gave a cheer, for the owls knew this one would be their year.

But I heard him exclaim, as they celebrated into the night.

“WHERE ARE YOU SABAN, WE’LL GIVE BAMA A FIGHT!”

Football is back baby.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

How to Use the Helmet Rule to Win Your Fantasy League

So if there’s one thing we’ve learned from these first two weeks of the NFL preseason it’s that Rodger Goodell and the owners aren’t fans of defense. I understand the need to protect players from turning each other’s brains into mashed potatoes but when what were previously seen as clean but hard tackles are now a 15 yard penalty and automatic first down we’re all in for a rough season.

Just take a look at any of the games this preseason and I’m sure you’ll be able to find clips of solid hit, followed by a flag, followed by the announcer declaring this the “worst call I’ve ever seen” and that “they’re officiating defense out of football.” Not to mention this new “Rodgers Rule” where defensive players can’t land with all their weight on QBs because an NFL QBs shoulder maybe actually be the most valuable piece of human flesh outside of Kim K’s “totally not fake” pooper. Shout out Antwione Walker and the Vikings for starting that siege of outcry.

Now I do agree with the notion that the metaphorical sliders are turned up on these hits during the preseason as a way to over emphasize teaching these new rules. However even if these calls are turned back to 50% of what they are now it’s still going to be brutal to watch and the wallets of safeties across the NFL are going to get significantly lighter with the inevitable fines they’ll be receiving. Out of all the positions in football, the job of an NFL safety is probably effected the most, a vast majority of the plays they make come with the offensive players running directly at them, full speed, and now it seems like they’re being forced to resort to ankle biting.

Well as the saying goes, when life give you lemons make lemonade, and I have a strong feeling that this upcoming season in the NFL is going to be a big ol’ lemon. The lemonade is how you can use this stinker of a rule to win some cash and bragging rights from your buddies.

The notion is actually pretty simple, big home run hits are seemingly no longer allowed, or at the very least they’re much more difficult to pull off, so who are the guys that almost always require a big home run hit to take down?

I’m not going to run through my revised big board like I’m the next Mathew Berry but my suggestion is that you keep this notion in mind. Guys who defenders know they have to bring the lumber to in order to have a chance at stopping them are going to have more value to their offenses because of their newfound ability to draw these B.S. penalties. Take a guy like Gronk for example, now I know that he’s already the go to for Tom Brady in most situations but if you go back and look at the film, how often is it that you see a defender turn themselves into a human missile just to try and break up a pass going Gronk’s way? Pretty much all the time because that’s the only way you can slow down that hairless Sasquatch once he gets moving down the field. So now if I’m Brady there’s even more incentive to toss one towards 87 because either he’s coming down with it or we’re getting 15 yards and a first down.

Overall this shouldn’t shake up the top of your draft strategy too much but once you start to fill out the meat of your roster maybe lean towards players who are known for their physicality rather than their quickness. Joe Flacco has made a career out of tossing up PI balls and now offenses are going to be able to keep drives alive through hospital balls. If I was an OC I’m getting the ball in the hands of my biggest guys as often as I can and daring the defense to try to take them down with an arm tackle. Tight Ends and thiccc Running Backs are about to have a big year because they just became that much more of a problem for defenses.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

I’m All in on the Sam Darnold Hype

It’s officially the dog days of summer now and meaningful football is right around the corner. Last night week 2 of the NFL preseason featured the New York Jets facing off against the Washington R-words and the man of the night was the rookie QB repping Gang Green. Out of all the 1st round rookie QBs Darnold seems to be the one getting the most camp buzz, which as we all know is the first thing we look at when determining who is worthy of enshrinement in Canton. Baker Mayfield is hanging out in an RV like a true Texas high school football legend, Josh Allen’s wow moment so far is a throw that went out of bounds, Lamar Jackson is busy taking Flaco’s master class on making a career of drawing pass interference, and for all I know Josh Rosen is dead and buried somewhere in the Arizona desert. Darnold though, oh boy, he’s One Republic circa ’09 a.k.a. all the right moves. Earlier this week R-words corner Josh Norman tired to quell his excitement about the new king of the NFL but still let the league know that a storm is coming. “So far, he’s impressed me. And I didn’t want him to. That’s the main thing. I want to break all rookies’ backs.” I got news for ya Josh, rule 1 of the Darnold is that ya can’t break the Darnold.

I didn’t actually watch the game last night because I’m a busy man and preseason football is fun for the first 5 minutes but then after that it starts to devolve into a faster version of MACtion. Let’s take a look at Darnold’s stats from the night, 8/11 for 62 yards and an int for a rating of 48.3. Not exactly setting the league on fire but now let’s take a moment to remember that this is football and stats are for nerds. Put this hype train to full throttle and were riding this bitch until the wheels fall off, full steam ahead.

I should clarify something, I’m buying in on hyping Darnold to the high heavens, whether or not we know if he’ll actually end up being any good is yet to be seen. That isn’t stopping Jets fans everywhere are accepting Sam Darnold as their lord and savior and planning out the parade route for the Superbowl he’s destined to bring them. All of this preseason joy is going to make the Jets returning to form as a dumpster fire in the regular season a sight to be seen.

Every pro sports league needs it’s pillars of sadness so that fans of all the other franchises can say, “well shit, at least we’re not those guys.” MLB has teams like the Mets and the Padres, the NBA has the Kings, I don’t watch enough hockey to say for sure who has that title in the NHL but I know a lot of Sabers fans and they seem like a sad bunch. The NFL has the gold standard in this category though with the Browns and their brilliant plan of punishing professional football players by making them play football and the Jets who seem to buttfumble their way to a mediocre at best draft pick every year. Sure there are glimpses of hope from time to time. We had the brief return of the great white hope in Peyton Hillis and Josh Gordon is a fucking monster when the NFL lets him play. The Sanchize and Sexy Rexy seemed like they were the future until they weren’t and hey there was that one day where Bill Belichick was the Jets head coach. At the end of the day though the universe always finds a way to balance itself out. It’s those flashes followed by the subsequent crashing back down to Earth that make them the pillars on which leagues are built upon.

So full steam ahead on the Darnold hype train, just watch out for where they forgot to finish building the bridge once we hit September. It could get ugly but my eyes will be glued to it.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired