Kick Start Your Weekend By Seeing How Many Ways You Violated The BYU Honor Code

Do you know that BYU celebrates Oktoberfest by serving chocolate milk in their library? No, seriously. On October 4th the cougars hosted the annual Milktoberfesr celebration in their library.

“The holiday where you drink chocolate milk and do homework.” Might as well add helping an elderly member of the opposite gender cross the street to the list and really make it a day of debauchery.

I’m not hating on chocolate milk, it’s delicious and I enjoy it over all other liquid dairy products but this is just too adorable. Oktoberfest is a day, at least in the bastardized USA fashion I’ve seen it, is a day that should result in puke stained lederhosen. I guess that’s still on the table here but just for the handful of fresh off the boat German kids studying at BYU that have a bit of a lactose problem. Do you think they do some Das Boots of whole milk after a big basketball win?

It’s been a long week in the cube and in honor of our collective desire to let loose let’s take a look at one of the easiest ground rules there is when it comes to having a good time. As comedian Daniel Tosh once said, “Remember kids you’re not having fun if you’re not breaking the BYU honor code.” So let’s make sure we all have some fun this weekend and take a look at the checklist.

No Tea or Coffee– Right off the bat I’m screwed. My first piss of the morning has smelled like a fresh pot of Dunkin’s dark roast since I was in high school. I know it’s probably not great to have a raging caffeine dependency before your first legal beer but as the saying goes, if you’re going to dance with the devil yo u might as well lead.

Visitors of the Opposite Sex Can’t Be in Your Bedroom or Bathroom– Now this is just isn’t practical. What if I had a lovely gal over to work on some homework or a little late night holy text (ya got me, I don’t know what their book is called) study and she got a classic case of dinning hall diarrhea? If you’v ever eaten in a dinning hall you know exactly what I’m talking about. Is BYU trying to tell me that their food is that much better than everyone else’s? That’s a little presumptuous if you ask me. I don’t even care about the bedroom rule, I’m just trying to be a proper host and I’m not quite sure how to do that if I’m forced to make my guests shit in the streets.

Men Can’t Have Long Hair or Beards– As a man who’s genetically predisposed to look like a folk singer who’s been on the road for months I feel personally attacked by this. Think of all the time I could spend drinking chocolate milk and not holding hands but instead I’m stuck shaving my face down to baby’s ass smooth every morning. This is unjust and I won’t stand for it.

Women Can Only Have One Ear Pierced– This ones weird. Is it because two ears is too flashy or prostitutey? Is it because shiny things scare Mormons and they need to put some type of governor on this problem before mass hysteria breaks out? What about multiple piercings in one ear? What’s their stance on a Prince Henry (don’t google it)?

No Premarital Sex/Porn– Remember when that BYU basketball player got kicked off the team right before the NCAA Tournement because he admitted to having sex with his girlfriend? First off, how did that investigation get started? Was his next door neighbor being kept up all night by unidentified creaking heard through the wall? Was she a screamer? Was he a screamer? Either way just lie dude, it’s really that simple. I’d like to pose a question to the chancellor of BYU, yes I’m too lazy to look your name up. Would you buy a car without taking it on a test drive first? Just checking. Also, have you ever decided to treat yourself to a little Pornhub Premium account? If you did you’d know why this rule is simply ludicrous.

No Homosexual Behavior– Here’s a tough one. What do you mean by “behavior?” Penetration? Or am I gonna have some explaining to do if I’m jamming to my guilty pleasures playlist and It’s Raining Men comes on? Don’t judge. What I’m saying is that there’s a lot of colors in the rainbow, which ones are going to make me late to my chem lab?

Shoes are Required in All Public Areas– Finally something the Mormons and I agree on. I don’t want to see your nasty feet and you sure as hell don’t want to see what I got going on in these socks. Think of the little piggies after a trip to Big Al’s Slaughter House.

No Profanity– Fuck that. Shit, sorry. In my defense there’s no need to be such a bitch about this.

No Sleeveless Shirts or Form Fitting Clothing– Is BYU problematic because they bodyshame? Think about it.

How long did you last? My application burst into flames the second it hit the admissions office.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

College Football Week 5: What We Learned

This weekend could’ve been an all-timer for ya boy. The Pats are back from the dead, I’m not sweating buckets whenever I go outside, and Sunday morning I nailed a 30ft birdie putt on 18 for force a tie in our family’s captain a crew golf outing. I got my first of many pumpkin spice coffees, say what you want that shit’s delicious. Everything was going my way, except for Saturday afternoon. Try to keep up if you want to know what went wrong.

-Rutgers Update: Rutgers football updates are our bread and butter here at IPGFFT, at this point I’m expecting my lifetime media credential to show up in the mail any day now. This week was actually pretty great by Scarlet Knight standards. No it wasn’t a bye week and therefore impossible for them to lose another game, I bet they’d find a way. America’s team stay home in New Jersey to take on Indiana and managed to lose in a non-blowout fashion. Rutgers entered the 4th quarter down 24-7 but managed to put together a 10-0 final frame to pull the game to within one possession but alas Saturday would not but the Knights day and the final score of 24-17 held true. Shout out to future New York Jets QB Artur Sitowski, seriously adding that missing ‘h’ would do wonders, had his best performance of the season going 18/35 for 154 a td and an int. His QBR of 34.8 was his best of the season. Consistency is key.

-Mormon Dreams Die: I’m honestly fascinated by how BYU has managed to construct a typically solid football program through the very narrow recruiting base of mormons and guys who are willing to abide by BYU’s downright absurd honor code. It doesn’t hurt that their “freshmen” are actually about 26 after going on their mission trip but finding other guys to fill out the roster is extremely impressive. BYU came into week 5 ranked 20th after getting a big road win at Wisconsin and this week they had another shot at knocking off a top tier opponent against Washington. Well God, Buddah, The Fly Spaghetti Monster or whatever the hell they believe in wasn’t on their side because the Huskies smoked them 35-7. The honor code explicitly bans homosexual behavior, will the team be allowed back on campus after getting fucked that hard by a bunch of other dudes? I’ll have to consult the gold tablets on that one.

-Joe Knew, Urban Knew, No One Knows Anything Anymore: Ohio State beat Penn State in a really close game, playoff implications, conference championships blah blah blah. What’s really important here is that we learned just how stupid the people running Ohio State’s PR really is. Earlier in the week they tossed out a poster hyping the game with only one word across the top of it, ‘Silence’. The athletics department said that it was meant to mean silence Penn States crowd and that they used the same message a few years ago. Here are my issues with this: 1. You already used this, be original goddamnit. 2. Literally no one in that office saw that and thought hey maybe not the best time for this one, let’s let the heat in the streets die down a little bit. If it’s that hard to come up with hype up material for a top-10 college football game float me a few bucks and I’ll come up with something for ya next time.

-Moral Victories Feel Good in the Same Way Getting Punched in the Dick is a Handjob: Syracuse had that win in the bag, I’m still upset about this days later and honestly depending on how the rest of this season plays out I may never quite recover from this. The Orange came into Clemson as a national buzz team that was clearly expected to get put in their place as indicated by the -24.5 Clemson line at kickoff. That was not how this dance played out at all. In the first half Syracuse was moving the ball and putting up points, albeit field goals rather than touchdowns. But even with Clemson at full strength Syracuse was going blow for blow with them in their house. Then Sunshine got sent back into 10th grade by a brutal, but clean, hit on a scramble that really had not shot of being anything positive. This was it, Syracuse had a 16-7 halftime lead and now Clemson was going to have to go to a guy that was always meant to be a career clipboard jockey to finish the game. This next 30 minutes of football was going to send Syracuse from frisky up-and-comer to where-did-they-come-from with an inside track to the ACC title game. The scars from my years as a season ticket holder during the Greg Robinson years would finally be healed in one glorious afternoon. But then Syracuse forgot that run defense is important and Travis Etienne curb stomped my hopes and dreams into oblivion. Really though 2 years ago Syracuse lost 54-0 at Clemson and now they’re here, looking at their schedule the rest of the way Notre Dame is the only team left that Syracuse would be a clear underdog against. Am I still sitting at my desk seething over every missed tackle, wide open running lane, dogshit man down field call? Yes, 1000% yes. If Syracuse is for real and closes out the year on a tear will this result haunt me as a what could’ve been? 10000% yes. On to the next one. Dino Babers to a struggling traditional power takes in 3…2…1….

I hate football, god I love it so much. Isn’t it the best?

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

‘Twas the Night Before College Football

‘Twas the night before college football, when all through the land no one was on the field, not even the band.

The goal post were raised, by the end zone with care. In the hopes that Lane Kiffin would be there;

The players were nestled all snug in their bed, while visions of Kirby and The Coach danced in their heads;

And Harbagh in his kakis, and Malzan in his vest, had just settled down for a quick pregame rest.

When out on the campus there arose sounds that elate, fans had already gone out to the lot to tailgate.

Away to the stadium I flew like a flash, tore through the banner and fireworks did flash.

The moon was on the breast of fresh cut grass, gave the luster of linebackers ready to whoop some ass.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear, but a running back, he turned the corner and was in the clear.

With short choppy steps, so dynamic and quick, he was moving like someone’s thumb was on the joystick.

More rapid than Bryce Love he charged to the endzone, and he called out the names of coaches ascending the throne.

“Now, Dino! Now, Dabo! Now, Gundy and Kelly! On, Fisher! On, Frost! On, Saban! On, Leach!

To the top of the poll! Now dive on the ball!

Have Phyllis from Mulga go tell PAUL!”

As yellow flags that nosy referees let fly, when met with adversity, the team never says die.

So up to the playoffs their game plans they drew, with a bag full of tricks, Coach Kiffin has two.

And then, in a rumbling, I heard in the stands, the roar of a crowd and clapping of hands.

As they rose to their feet, creating quite a sound, out of the tunnel Coach Kiffin came with a bound.

He was dressed in Adidas from his visor to shoes, and his players well coached at positions they choose.

A call sheet of plays he had gripped in his hand, and he looked like a general ready to command.

His plays — how they wowed! His schemes how cunning!

Play fakes like magic, defense never saw it coming.

His QB was set, in a pocket so clean, surrounded by linemen, so big, strong, so mean.

His headset held tight gripping over his ear, he was focused, the crowd may have not been here.

He had luscious locks and a smile so sly, it’s no wonder recruits see him and say “that’s my guy.”

He was clever and funny, a true modern day coach, sound bites galore when the media approach.

A change of play, a quick scan of the field, the fans need not worry, his offense won’t yield.

He spoke not a word, but simply winked his eye, this subtle note told his QB to let it fly.

And before the snap he already knew, a touchdown scored and they’ll go for two.

He leapt off his feet, to his team gave a cheer, for the owls knew this one would be their year.

But I heard him exclaim, as they celebrated into the night.

“WHERE ARE YOU SABAN, WE’LL GIVE BAMA A FIGHT!”

Football is back baby.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

Back to Schoo…Shit

Late August is officially back to school season. The endless Target adds peddling folders repping whatever cartoons are hot in the streets these days and emotional insurance commercials showing parents dropping their child off to a 4 year bender are inundating our lives. Sitting on the other side of that fence now is a bizarre feeling that I wasn’t quite prepared for.

The nights leading up to graduation back in May while they were the final pages in my collegiate book never really felt like it. There weren’t really any tearful nights reminiscing about how much we’ll miss this place or whatever cliche was supposed to happen. Despite our best efforts too, one of the last nights before the last few of our friend group moved out we held #Cryfest2k18. A beautifully depressing gathering where about 8 guys got together in our living room, turned off the lights and played every sad song we could think of for the occasion. We had some heavy hitters going too. Come Join the Murder, Hallelujah, and the dumb Vitamin C song every group of high school chicks cries too at the end of senior year. After over an hour of this attempt at real emotion no tears were shed, in fact we all thought it was pretty funny because of how ridiculous and over the top it was. So we then decided to go back to our roots, kicked on Sherryl Crow’s all-time banger Soak Up the Sun, cranked that bitch up to 11 and smashed all the glass bottles we had accrued on our mantle from the past two years of drinking. We christened our apartment for the next generation of stories like a ship being sent out to sea for a new voyage.

A seismic shift has now occurred though. For the past 16 years those damn commercials signaled the return to school like the Beacons of Gondor calling upon the Riders of Rohan to come aid in battle. Now that I no longer answer to those beacons I find myself feeling those emotions we were supposed to find in that dark room back in May.

Here’s a tip for everyone out there still in college. When you graduate, don’t stay local. You might think that it wouldn’t be that bad and might actually be kinda sweet especially if you’ll still have some buddies at school to hang with. Let me tell ya, it’s not. I grew up in Syracuse, went to SU, and now work in the area so maybe it’s all compounding with the desire to leave the hometown. Yesterday I was working on a job site just a few blocks from campus and had to drive by my freshman dorm and apartment from junior and senior year to get there. It was one of the most surreal and depressing things I’ve experienced in my life.

Driving by Shaw Hall and seeing the endless line of cars pulling up to move in those blissfully ignorant 18 year old freshman bastards, I was blown away by how that was actually me 4 years ago. I wanted to pull over, shave my beard, and pick a random couple to call Mom and Dad in the hopes that maybe there’d be an empty bed waiting for me in 457 like there was back in 2014.

I’d like to take a moment here for anyone who might be thinking “just let it go you bum.” With all due respect, fuck off. If you’re not finding yourself missing it and wanting just one more victory lap then you definitely didn’t do college right. These days I have a 50 minute commute to an 8-5, 5-figures worth of debt suddenly attached to my name, and a front row seat to a life I once lived like some real life version of A Christmas Carol. There I was boozing on week nights without any regard for tomorrow, had 3 day weekends, and was pretending to be some some knock off Dan Patrick covering Syracuse Football and Basketball for a student radio station. You bet the stick shoved up your ass I would rather keep that train rolling. Let me feel my feelings damnit.

For now though I, like many of you, am stuck toiling away in my cube longing to have one more shot at it. I’ll probably take a few swings for old times sake, I do have some friends who are still in school, but it just won’t be the same. So for now raise a happy hour special domestic draft to the good times and maybe share a few bits of advice to someone younger so that they get the most out of their time.

I’ll start with a little story from early on in my freshman year.

About a month in a my friend Matt from high school who is a year older and went to a smaller college near by asked me to come meet him at DJs. A bar next to Syracuse’s campus which will let you in at 18 but gives you the mark of shame Xs on your hands signaling the bartender to not serve you. Really though you could pass as being 21 if you showed them a library card. This place is the goddamn Wild West where no laws actually apply. At the time I didn’t know how loose DJs interpreted “legal form of identification” so I got Xd up like a mutha fucka. Matt had a shitty fake so he could buy booze, when I met him in DJs he immediately handed me a beer which of course I proceed to drink (whoa look at the hot shot over here drinking beer in a bar). A bouncer sees the beer, sees the Xs on my hands, comes up to me and says “you’re out.”

I’m not a bitch so I toughen up, puff out my chest and defiantly say “okay” and leave. I was in the bar for maybe 5 minutes. Leaving the bar a homeless man walks up to me and gives me some story about how it’s his birthday and he’s just trying to buy a bottle of Jack and asks if I had a couple bucks. Obviously I’m hammered off of my sip of Bud Light but really I just admire the honesty of “hey man I’m just trying to get fucked up.” So I toss him a couple bucks for his troubles. Welp, he then puts his arm around me, tells me I’m a good dude and asks “yo you smoke?” Before I can say anything he pulls out a small bag of crack from his hat and offers it to me for $10. Crack rocks are no more than 6 inches from my face at this point. My eyes get wide because now shit has just gotten very real and say “I gotta go” and book it back to my dorm to go to bed and ponder what the fuck just happened.

So the moral of the story kids, is to make sure you have a good fake and as Nancy Reagan said, just say no.

God I’m gonna miss it.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired