I’m All in on the Sam Darnold Hype

It’s officially the dog days of summer now and meaningful football is right around the corner. Last night week 2 of the NFL preseason featured the New York Jets facing off against the Washington R-words and the man of the night was the rookie QB repping Gang Green. Out of all the 1st round rookie QBs Darnold seems to be the one getting the most camp buzz, which as we all know is the first thing we look at when determining who is worthy of enshrinement in Canton. Baker Mayfield is hanging out in an RV like a true Texas high school football legend, Josh Allen’s wow moment so far is a throw that went out of bounds, Lamar Jackson is busy taking Flaco’s master class on making a career of drawing pass interference, and for all I know Josh Rosen is dead and buried somewhere in the Arizona desert. Darnold though, oh boy, he’s One Republic circa ’09 a.k.a. all the right moves. Earlier this week R-words corner Josh Norman tired to quell his excitement about the new king of the NFL but still let the league know that a storm is coming. “So far, he’s impressed me. And I didn’t want him to. That’s the main thing. I want to break all rookies’ backs.” I got news for ya Josh, rule 1 of the Darnold is that ya can’t break the Darnold.

I didn’t actually watch the game last night because I’m a busy man and preseason football is fun for the first 5 minutes but then after that it starts to devolve into a faster version of MACtion. Let’s take a look at Darnold’s stats from the night, 8/11 for 62 yards and an int for a rating of 48.3. Not exactly setting the league on fire but now let’s take a moment to remember that this is football and stats are for nerds. Put this hype train to full throttle and were riding this bitch until the wheels fall off, full steam ahead.

I should clarify something, I’m buying in on hyping Darnold to the high heavens, whether or not we know if he’ll actually end up being any good is yet to be seen. That isn’t stopping Jets fans everywhere are accepting Sam Darnold as their lord and savior and planning out the parade route for the Superbowl he’s destined to bring them. All of this preseason joy is going to make the Jets returning to form as a dumpster fire in the regular season a sight to be seen.

Every pro sports league needs it’s pillars of sadness so that fans of all the other franchises can say, “well shit, at least we’re not those guys.” MLB has teams like the Mets and the Padres, the NBA has the Kings, I don’t watch enough hockey to say for sure who has that title in the NHL but I know a lot of Sabers fans and they seem like a sad bunch. The NFL has the gold standard in this category though with the Browns and their brilliant plan of punishing professional football players by making them play football and the Jets who seem to buttfumble their way to a mediocre at best draft pick every year. Sure there are glimpses of hope from time to time. We had the brief return of the great white hope in Peyton Hillis and Josh Gordon is a fucking monster when the NFL lets him play. The Sanchize and Sexy Rexy seemed like they were the future until they weren’t and hey there was that one day where Bill Belichick was the Jets head coach. At the end of the day though the universe always finds a way to balance itself out. It’s those flashes followed by the subsequent crashing back down to Earth that make them the pillars on which leagues are built upon.

So full steam ahead on the Darnold hype train, just watch out for where they forgot to finish building the bridge once we hit September. It could get ugly but my eyes will be glued to it.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

The Shoe Dilemma

So if you aren’t one of those head cases that can’t take a dump outside of their own home then you’re familiar with the shoe dilemma. I don’t believe there’s an official term for it but I’m hoping you’re picking up what I’m putting down. If not then listen up. “The shoe dilemma” is when you or someone else is taking care of business in a public shitter and the walls of the stall don’t extend all the way to the floor leaving a gap big enough to proudly display the offending party’s footwear.

Now it’s not a foreign concept to me that everybody poops, I’ve read the book. That being said if I’m in the bathroom and I hear something resembling the toilet scene from Dumb and Dumber you better believe I’m dying to know who that poor bastard is.

It’s wild that guy is the same person as this guy.

Image result for the newsroom jeff daniels

Jeff Daniels has range like Steph Curry in a shoot around.

Where was I? Oh yea, finding joy in knowing who is was that just put this establishment’s plumbing to the test. If I can I.D. him by those sick kicks he decided to wear today to try to catch the eye of the cute blonde in accounting it’s game over. We’re all guilty of this because deep down a part of us stopped maturing at 12 years old.

Being stuck on the other side of this battlefield is a goddamn nightmare. Maybe you went out for wings and beer last night with the fellas and now after downing a few cups of coffee your GI track has gone full Montezuma’s Revenge on you. There are sights, sounds, and smells present in your foxhole that, if we’re being honest, should probably get you fired. You’re avoiding any chance at being tagged in this like it’s a blackout picture from spring break in Tijuana. Hear the footsteps of someone walking into the bathroom and it might as well have been Freddie Kruger with how silent you’re trying to be. The impromptu round of chicken with the person in the next stall over is a game we’ve all played. Both of you just daring the other to make the first move and reveal themselves.

So shout out to my office for having total enclosure shitters thus ending the shoe dilemma. Ceiling to floor walls, an interior design concept that for some reason is reminiscent of the main lobby of a Holiday Inn, and dim lighting help to provide true peace of mind. Sure you still have to be mindful of waiting until the coast is clear over in the urinals department but it’s so homey in there that I got no problem hanging out for a bit.

It really is the little things that get you through the day.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

Tossing My Hat In The Ring

So I’ve decided to join the blog game. This brilliant idea came to me as I sat at my desk aimlessly staring at my email inbox, empty because I’m the new guy fresh out of the primordial ooze known as higher education and no one trusts me with anything important (rightfully so). I’m fairly certain this mindless staring at an LCD screen is rotting my brain so how about some writing to keep this young mind sharp.

Let’s start with some introductions! That was always one of my favorite annual events in college, taking a group of adolescents who at least on the surface had nothing in common besides the fact they lived within 100ft of each other and would be hounded by the same narc chasing the dragon of tattling like their days as a young pup in middle school, and making them give their elevator pitch as to why they’re not going to be “that guy” or “that girl,” it’s 2018 so individuals of both genders have equal opportunity to suck. But this little pre-emptive AA meeting was your first chance to size everyone up. Who’s the kid that’s blatantly stoned at 2pm on a Thursday that’ll you’ll no doubt want to have in your contacts list but not actually hang out with? Who’s the jabroni already decked out in your schools apparel? Congrats you’ve identified “that guy.” Who’s the cute girl on the other side of the circle who you’ll swap fluids with later this week after a night of wine coolers and keystone only to end up avoiding eye contact for the next 4 years? Who’s the dude wearing a SHIRT, not a jersey, repping your favorite pro sports team? That’s ya boy. That’s who I’m going to be, ya boy, and if I’m not then oh well. On to the next one.

I won’t get too personal with this because the internet is a fucked up place and I don’t need some Buffalo Bill impersonator tracking me down and chaining me up in the shed. I already told you I’m fresh out of school so chalk me up for the early 20’s demographic. Creativity has always been a strong suit of mine but being creative is pretty easy when you have an entire writer’s room of voices shouting in your head. Sike! They’re not shouting, they’re pretty well-mannered with each other…jokes folks, we like to keep the mood light around here. It’s depressing enough wasting away in a cube farm without a little dark humor thrown in here and there. I was never one for social media so maybe this is me subliminally trying to catch up with my contemporaries on dishing out blazing hot takes or maybe this is my attention starved millennial spirit finally breaking through, thought I ditched that guy a while back. Really though this is just my way to entertain all of you, and more importantly myself. Like I hinted at earlier, I have a lot of spare time while contributing to the 401k and I can only talk to Bob about the Padres game I didn’t watch so many times before I feel the sudden urge to stick a pencil in my eye.

So what should you expect to see while you’re here? Well to be frank it’ll be a mixed bag. Some sports talk, some stories, some life shit, a smattering a poop jokes and whatever else I feel like writing about. This is my party and ya’ll are invited, stop on by and make yourselves comfortable but just remember that I’m the one manning the aux chord. So grab a cold *insert future official beer of I’ll Probably Get Fired For This* and enjoy the ride.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired