Author: Ya Boy

College Football Week 2: What We Learned

Week 1 scheduling in College Football was for the networks and ADs looking to cash in on our collective football starvation. Most of the match ups we saw were buzz worthy where top 25 teams scheduled a Power 5 opponent, a name the fans knew but a team the players and coaches didn’t fear, barring games like Miami-LSU and Notre Dame-Michigan. Week 2 featured a lot of non-bye week bye weeks where you get games with lines exceeding +50 almost too tempting for degenerate gamblers to pass up. It wasn’t all waxings though so let’s review the notes.

Trouble in Tallahassee?: Florida State STUNK last week against Virginia Tech, didn’t score a single touchdown. Up next is FCS Samford, exactly what the doctor ordered right? A game at home, in prime time against a team you’re clearly better than by miles. Florida State was supposed to come into Doak Walker and lay a whooping and get there season scoring margin looking nice and pretty, that’s what they were supposed to do. Not only did the Seminoles struggle with Samford, they were getting outplayed for 90% of the game and if it wasn’t for 2 tds in the final 5 minutes they’d be 0-2 and the state of Florida would burn to the ground. These little shockers happen every year where big time programs end up in a dog fight with an FCS team, we saw it week 1 when Penn St went into overtime against Appalachian St, and it usually ends up being just a funny footnote on the season and we all just give the classic horseshoes and hand grenades line. But after that piss poor performance in week 1 this feels a lot more like some real issues than just some stumbles out of the gate. We’ll really see where the Noles are next week when they come up to my town and take on Syracuse in the Dome. Coach Babers and the Orange are going to be looking to prove they’re legit this year and if Florida State doesn’t figure out what the hell is going on then it could get ugly.

Maybe the Game Hasn’t Moved Past Herm Edwards: John Gruden and Herm Edwards are both head coaches again and I’ll be honest in saying that I thought bringing in these walking sound bytes was a bit of a stretch. We’ll see how Gruden fairs in his opener now that he doesn’t have his superstar in Khalil Mack but Edwards actually seems to have something going. Not only did he debut a fantastic new football guy quote with “leave it all on the grass” but now 2 weeks into his Sun Devil stint he already has a signature win. A 16-13 win over top 25 Michigan St highlighted by a 13-0 4th quarter to comeback and win it is what cliche football coaches live for. You know he’ll be able to recruit because what 18 year old kid isn’t going to want to run through a brick wall after having a sit down with him in their parents living room. I bet Herm is a big sweet talker to the parents too, complimenting the mom’s cooking and looking at the Dad and saying something like “look at you, no wonder your son’s a stud seeing where he comes from.” Combine that with some real results between the sidelines and Arizona St could make a quick climb up the PAC-12 ladder.

I See You Jimbo: One of the stranger coaching changes from last season was Jimbo Fisher leaving Florida State for Texas A&M. After this week it looks like Jimbo may have just gotten out of a burning building in Tallahassee, plus A&M giving him a blank check probably didn’t hurt either. This week the Aggies lost at home against Clemson in what was for my money the best game of the week. A&M has been reeling since they entered the post Johnny Football era and it culminated when Kevin Sumlin was fired, the past few seasons have been marred by players leaving the program and overall mediocrity. When you play in the same division as Alabama, LSU, and Auburn that’s not going to get it done. A&M left the game with a loss but considering they came into it as 12.5 point underdogs, a 2 point loss with a potential tie slipping away on a failed 2 point attempt in the final minute is certainly noteworthy. I’m not a fan of moral victories but Kyle Field is one of the best home field atmospheres and if Coach Fisher can build on this then the SEC West just got that much stronger.

Rutgers Should Probably Stop Playing Ohio State: Ohio State is a perennial national powerhouse even without Urban Meyer on the sidelines, Rutgers is not that. When these teams play calling Rutgers a D-1 college football team seems like a stretch. Ohio State crushed Rutgers 52-3 this week and since 2014 in 5 match ups Ohio State has outscored Rutgers 271-27. I know being in the same division forces this annual trip to the woodshed to occur but for the sake of the children Rutgers should probably just stay home and if the games scheduled to be played at Rutgers they should go to Columbus and say they misread the schedule. The seniors on that team have only seen 1 touchdown scored against the Buckeyes in 4 years, what the hell does that coaching staff tell them leading up to this game? I imagine practice this week sounded like this, “this is our year boys, I can feel it!” “Screw off I’m just trying to not end up in a hospital this week.”

The air’s getting colder and campuses all around the country are strong with the scent of Natty Light. Win or lose we still booze! See ya next week.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

One Age for the Rest of your Life

A friend of mine tossed out an interesting hypothetical the other day. If you could be one age for the rest of your life what would it be? As is the case with any hypothetical you have to lay some ground rules first so that way we’re all playing the same game. So here’s what I’ve got for rules:

1. You don’t age physically

2. It’s not a live forever type of deal. Average life expectancy is something like 80 years so you’re still clocking out at 80 but for you’re time on this Earth you’re whatever age you picked.

3. Whatever age you pick you’re in that stage of life. You’re not picking 21 and then progressing through life like you normally would. No baby faced Fortune 500 CEOs in this hypothetical.

Alright now that that’s settled let’s take a look at the contenders.

-Anything under 18 get the fuck out of here. Congrats on being captain of the football, team no one cares.

-College Aged 18-22: Ah to go back to the glory days. Party all night, sleep all day. You’re only real responsibility on a day to day basis is to make sure you’re still breathing that same time tomorrow. I get why people say they’re never gonna leave that place, but everything’s not all peaches and cream. Keeping up the the b.s. of classes already was gettin old after 4 years and I’m not trying to be scrap for cash where I’m drinking beer that gives me diarrhea because that’s all I can afford. I want to make that choice under my own fruition. Every answer is going to have pros and cons and I just feel like there are better options out there.

-23-26: Have fun being too broke to ball out and too young for people to take you seriously.

-27-29: My pick was 27 and I’ll tell you why. Supposedly your mid to late 20’s is when you’re at your biological peak, I don’t know how true that is but I’ll take the nerds word for it. You’ve been in the cube game long enough to where you’re above an entry level pay grade but not long enough to be trusted with much real responsibility, managing a couple interns or something. Yeah I bitch about the 8-5 grind but it fills the hours and if I’m not going to be broke for the other hours of the day then I can be alright with that. Late 20’s is also the last opportunity you have where you can act recklessly at times and not have society look down on you too much for it. Play your cards right you’re living in a B-level romcom. Dirty little secret for ya boy is that I’m a BIG romcom guy so maybe that’s noodling around in the back of my head as I write this but I don’t care. I’m in.

-30-39: Anyone who I know that’s turned 30 or is on the precipice of their 30’s talks about it like they’re awaiting a guaranteed cancer diagnosis. Given how this decade starts I can’t imagine it getting much better as it goes on. I’m out.

-40-49: hahahahaha

-50-64: I was going to dismiss this bracket like the 40’s but I think there’s something to be said about the mid-late 50’s. The kids are probably gone by now screwing up their own lives, you and the Mrs. are out recapturing your youth. Salaries looking pretty good these days now that your career is much closer to its conclusion than its beginning. It still probably isn’t the right pick since you’re still grinding out the work life and you’re at the point where things start to break down on you but there’s an argument there for sure.

-65: For the sake of avoiding a rabbit hole we’ll say 65 is retirement age. It’s like another shot at college life minus classes plus actually having financial assets to throw around. There’s a point where you just get old enough where you’re no longer obligated to give a shit because anything you do can be attributed to “oh he’s just old and set in his ways.” Not a bad deal and I hear that STDs run rampant in retirement communities like Raider Rash at Texas Tech (there’s an interesting topic we’ll address another day) so if it still works you’ll probably be slinging it around. My only hesitation is that getting old seems messy and I don’t know if I want to deal with the daily battle with gravity and biology the elderly face.

What’s your pick?

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

Deep Fried Oreos, a Bride on Skates, and Captain Jack Sparrow

Summertime here in Central New York always closes out with a bang when the “great” New York State Fair rolls into town. I use quotes around great because greatness is determined by comparison to ones contemporaries. Are we comparing this to the Valley Field Days where a few years ago one of those free fall rides broke and snapped a few shin bones? If so then yea I guess the fair is pretty great but let’s not get stuck in our little bubble.

I’ve been going to the fair just about every year I’ve been a conscience human being save a year here and there when I had literally anything else going on those last 10 days of summer. 2018 wasn’t one of those years as I dove into the depths of all that this region has to offer on Saturday. On that day it was reported that 130,000 other souls entered the fairgrounds to partake as well, really puts into perspective how massive those 100,000+ seat college football stadiums really are. This boiling hellscape of asphalt, edible diabetes, and livestock of both the quadrupedal and bipedal variety feels claustrophobic and it’s an open range, having that many people in one building blows my mind.

Let’s start from the top. It’s late August, maybe global warming hadn’t fully t-baged us when this event started but these days that sweaty manbag is resting comfortably on our collective forehead. Between the population of a small metropolis, freshly paved asphalt, 90 degree heat, and enough operating deep fryers to make Ronald McDonald blush it had to have been no less than 5 degrees colder than the surface of the sun. Billion dollar idea for Goldbond, put a stand at every entrance point selling single serve packets of your powder. Try it once and cut me in at 8% for the idea, you’re welcome. Instant swampage and all I trekked on.

Approximately 35% of the real estate at the fairgrounds is dedicated to showing off livestock. I don’t know why but it just gets the people going. You think you’ve seen one cow you’ve seen them all but let me tell you, you couldn’t be farther from the truth. Something about those utters and the very prominent smell of manure draws us in like flys to…well, manure I guess. That’s just the first animal building though. There’s one for sheep and horses, ducks get some action in there, and the chickens/roosters. Oh boy those are some gorgeous cocks. Those bad boys could get their own week and they’d still pull in close to 50,000 a day. When I say I’m from New York you probably picture this.

But really it’s this.

Look at those people, sitting in a hundred degree building filled with crap just to look at some poultry. Am I one of those people? Absolutely, I don’t know why but I just am.

But what happens to those beautiful beasts after their 15 minutes of fame are up? Well let’s head on over to where the food stands are. Where the battle cry of “if you can eat it, we can fry it” reigns supreme. You got the classic fried foods, chicken, turkey, any potato product, but then the mad scientists moved in. Oreos, twinkies, tacos, ice cream (I still don’t understand how that works), and any animal not found on PETAs endangered list but a few that are toeing the line. Those are just the fried selections though, ever wanted to eat a bacon cheese burger but instead of buns it’s glazed donuts? Well then waddle your way on down to the fair! How about this monstrosity?

As a product of New York “A real taste of New York” feels like a personal attack for some reason. Also the sly cliff note on the bottom letting you know that this will come with a serving of gravy, as if it wasn’t implied already, is adorable. I got your Fry Guy secret sauce right here.

What other magnificent attractions could this wonderland possibly hold. Rides that creek and shake a little too much? Yep. Musical acts that peaked 15 years ago? Ludacris put on a hell of a show earlier in the week. Games that you’ll have to drop $30 at to win a $5 stuffed animal? There’s a reason we have strong market for casinos year round, gotta introduce kids to the thrill early on. How about a wedding? Shut it down, we’ve reached peak fair.

To escape the heat my friend and I went into the new expo center that boasts functioning a/c and an ice rink. We turn the corner and on the ice there are two blocks of folding chairs set up center ice with a strip of carpet in between and a podium in the front. I turned to my friend and said, “holy shit I think they’re gonna have a wedding here.” She dismissed this idea because no way that would actually happen. Que the groom in an all white tuxedo stepping onto the ice and gliding around like Nancy Kerrigan pre-lead pipe. The joy the this sight brought me is right up there with Malcom Butler wiping away the Seahawks budding dynasty at the goal line. Not because I’m some wacko that gets antsy in my pantsys (pantsees, panties(?)) but because this is what the fair is all about, people watching and the absurd.

If they’re happy I’m happy for them because life’s fucked just about anyway you look at it so who am I to judge what puts a smile on those faces. That’s not going to stop me from finding this hilarious. The groomsmen escorted the women down the makeshift aisle, a role I’m familiar with. My brother got married a few weeks ago and us groomsmen were told that if we hold out our arm to a woman they’ll instinctively know to grab onto it like a fish biting into a lure to be brought to their seat. It seemed like a little bit dated and I’ll be honest it was a little weird walking up to two strangers, looking at the husband and then having his wife grab onto me. Did I wink at a couple of the husbands? Mr. Steal Yo Gurl shows no mercy.

I had to tap out though when I saw the bride. She was beautiful as any bride may be on their wedding day but this was a wedding on ice and the bride was on skates. This woman was being towed down the ice along side the aisle by I assume her father who was walking on the carpet. Something about this image of a bride being dragged to the alter in a situation where walking away under her own power seemed impossible was very reminiscent of a time when weddings involved those prize winning cocks and cattle being exchanged for an underaged bride. Ah the good old days.

What’s a wedding without a reception. On deck for the evening was none other than The Prince of Darkness Ozzy Osbourne. I was at the show with my dad along with thousands of other people there to see Ozzy on his second farewell tour because maybe this time he means it and how dare you pass up a chance to see a legend perform one last time.

Spoiler alert: he doesn’t mean it. At one point during the show Ozzy stopped to say “people keep thinking that this is fucking it for me. I don’t know why. I’m just done touring the fucking world. I got grandkids man.” 1. Hmm Ozzy I don’t know why people think that the “No More Tours Tour 2” is your swan song, haters just hating I guess. 2. That was a surprisingly sobering moment to realize that the guy who once bit the head off of a live bat now has grandchildren.

Ozzy still has it though at 70 years young, it was kind funny to see him scoot around the stage though as he hyped up the crowd, not quite as spry as he was back in his Black Sabbath days. Zakk Wylde can still shred as evident by the 15 minute guitar solo he had during War Pigs, at one point playing with his teeth. They played all the hits and closed out with Crazy Train which now carries a different underlying theme as the band gets older. Is that a dementia reference? Don’t worry about it.

Oh yea, Captain Jack Sparrow, almost forgot about him. During the concert there was a guy in a full movie-quality Jack Sparrow costume stumbling around taking pictures of people for money. Not a bad gig if you ask me.

And so concludes another trip to The Great New York State Fair, I’ll see ya there next year. Meet me at gate 6.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

What We Learned From Week 1 of College Football

Football is so back it hurts. This first week of action is like that first pregame beer on a Friday night after a week of slaving away in the cube farm, might not be the best one of the night but goddamn does it feel good to finally get it in your system. Were the match-ups from this week the biggest we’ll see this year? No, but that still doesn’t mean that we didn’t learn a few things and pick up on a few possible trends to keep an eye on as the leave begin to change colors and marching bands play on. In no particular order:

-Texas = Not Back: Hey that didn’t take too long did it? Seems like every year since Mack Brown parted ways with Texas the Longhorns are at the forefront of preseason buzz. Sure they still manage to recruit with the best of them but for some reason it just doesn’t seem to work once the fans are in the stands. Back to back years now with opening losses to Maryland is not what makes a former national powerhouse back. On that note, what an incredible win that is for Maryland. The status of Texas aside after all of the turmoil going on within the Terps over the past few weeks following the death of Jordan McNair. I can’t even imagine what was going on through the minds of Maryland’s players as they lined up with 10 men on the field to open the game to honor McNair. Then to go out and get the win is something else. Watch out for Maryland, they’re playing for something bigger this year.

-LSU is Not Messing Around: Football’s favorite Cajun Coach O had his bayou bengals ready to roll against Miami and man was it a real ass whooping. It’s weird to think that LSU came into this season pretty quietly since for so long they’ve been a talking point either because they seemed like the best challenger to Alabama or because Les Miles was a rather polarizing figure in college football. But following a relatively lackluster season and not having a dominate NFL bound running back to talk about LSU found themselves in the “yeah they’ll be solid but nothing special” category. That tone will probably have to change a bit now after their 33-17 win over Miami where 14 of those 17 points came late in the game and LSU went into clock killing mode and Malik Rosier connected on some deep balls. Now was this outcome being a surprise the product of Miami being overhyped or LSU being underrated? Most likely the answer lies within a combination of both. One things for sure though, LSU’s defense is ready to lay some beat downs this season and they might actually have a QB that can get it done in Joe Burrow.

-Eric Dungey is Good at Football: Dungey’s my guy so I had to slip this one in somewhere, but it’s actually warranted. A Friday night matchup of Syracuse and Western Michigan doesn’t really move the needle on a national scale but man it was a doozy. Syracuse dominated the first half to the tune of 34-10 and actually benched Dungey with a few minutes left in the 2nd but then as soon as the 3rd quarter started the game took a complete 180 and WM made it a 34-28 game before Dino Babers put his starting QB back in the game. From that point on Syracuse regained control en route to a 55-42 win resembling a score from a Syracuse Basketball game. The clear difference in this game was Eric Dungey and the difference he makes when he’s on the field. He’s not the most accurate passer, he doesn’t have blazing speed like Lamar Jackson did, but for some reason he’s just the right combination of something that makes him the type of backyard football all-star that makes opposing DCs nervous. He only completed 7 of 17 passes but still managed to put up 184 yards and rushed for 200 more with 3 touchdowns and the offense scored all 55 points with him on the field. With the tempo that Syracuse runs Dungey is going to have plenty of opportunities to put up big time numbers it’ll just be a matter of if he can stay healthy, he’s a senior and has never played in a game after November 7th.

-Jim Harbaugh’s Seat is Starting to Warm Up: A one possession loss to a team a lot of people picked to sneak into the playoffs really shouldn’t be grounds for murmurs for a hot seat but Coach Kaki isn’t your typical coach and Michigan isn’t your typical program. Compared to what Michigan was under Rich Rod and Brady Hoke they are no doubt better with Harbaugh as their head coach but the bar was set up in the clouds when he was brought in. 8-8 in his last 16 and really no signature wins yet in his tenure will not sit well with Michigan’s fan base because at the end of the day they’re looking at teams in their conference like Ohio State, Michigan State, and Wisconsin and thinking why the hell aren’t they on that level. Maybe this is just a bump in the road and Michigan will actually make a jump this year, lord knows all will be forgiving with a win against the Scarlet and Gray. We’ll have to wait and see but you can’t combine the expectations set forth with the circus Jim Harbaugh brings with his personality type casted for an over the top cartoon football coach and consistently find yourself sitting with Texas saying “next year is our year.”

-Turnover Props will Burn Bright but Fast: Chains, boxing gloves, a throne, plank from Ed, Edd, ‘n Eddy and Mardi Gras beads aren’t just what I like to call a fun Tuesday night. Last season The U brought back the Miami Vice flair that was their trademark during their peak in the 80’s and 90’s with the turnover chain and set the world on fire. From references in rap songs and around the clock chatter on every national sports talk platform the turnover chain was the smash sensation of the 2017 season and naturally copy cats have emerged. I actually like the turnover prop idea, you make a big time play go get your shine on son. I can’t hate on some 18-22 year old dude wanting to strut their stuff if they can back it up. But this just isn’t sustainable, I previously wrote about how the student loan bubble will soon burst and send us back to the Stone Age and I got a feeling that we’re looking at a prop bubble in college football. The biggest issue here is whether or not Miami is really back to their days of old. They got the brakes beaten off of them against LSU to the point where they were mocking turnover chain with a sweaty towel. If Miami slides back into being a good team but one that doesn’t really strike fear into other teams then the sky high level of flash the comes with the turnover chain will just be way to easy to mock. Yeah wearing a chain fit for a Two Chainz video is cool but have you ever tried having Coach Saban not threaten to kidnap your family and burn your house down for being 6 inches out of position? If the turnover chain dies then the rest of the props eventually die with it right?

Week 1 is in the books, see ya next Saturday to do it all over again. I’ll bring the beer.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

Put Straws in Your Nose the River of Shit is Rising

Shout out to the hilarious lunatic Lewis Black for writing the title of this blog. That line comes from a bit he did about when the US economy imploded back in ’08 because of the housing bubble bursting. Well Mr. Black might have some new material coming down the pipeline because of the new financial burden that’s all the rage, student loan debt.

Now I’ll be upfront with you about this, my economics background stops at a handful of business classes I slept through to get a minor in management. However I have seen The Big Short about 8 times because there’s something about the aspect of those poor shmucks shouting into the void that the sky is falling and then once it pops off they’re left with a mountain of cash, guilt, and dipshit bankers saying “we should’ve listened” that I find entertaining. So take my conclusions with a grain of salt. But I just set up my own loan repayment plan and this anvil hanging over our heads has been a reoccurring topic of conversation with a friend of mine so it’s on my mind.

Let’s start with the basics, what the hell happened with mortgages that tanked the economy about a decade ago. My understanding is that a lot of people bought houses on apartment budgets and when they went to take out a loan banks were like a fat kid at a buffet, they couldn’t say no. I used to be that fat kid at the buffet, one time I ate 6 plates in about 15 minutes and then blew chunks all over the place before I could make it to the bathroom. Me getting a 2nd viewing of those 30 chicken tenders is the housing bubble bursting in this scenario. It came up on us quick, we tried to stop it or at least minimize the damage but in the end we were left standing in a pile of vomit with tears in our eyes. Once the chickens came home to roost and people started defaulting on these loans they probably shouldn’t have been given in the first place more money was given out than could come back in and the economy was flipped on its head.

Now after I puked did I go get a glass of water and call it a night? Hell no! I rallied like a champion and got myself a big hot fudge Sunday. When the sky fell did banks take a step back and reevaluate how they operate? Not really, they took the bailouts, reworded everything so it got more confusing, and came out with emotional “we need to be better” commercials. Then it was back to business as usual.

That brings us to today and the reason many recent and not so recent college graduates find themselves grabbing a bottle of whiskey on a Tuesday night. That fickle bitch Sally May.

…I started writing this Monday morning but got side tracked with my actual job but then by the afternoon I saw a report that the head overseer of the national student loan debt resigned in protest over the White House’s hostility towards protecting student loan borrowers. Yikes, I better get back to solving this crisis before we’re all fucked…

So here’s the big numbers on student loans. Currently U.S. citizens collectively hold $1.5 TRILLION in debt, that’s a lot of 30 racks of natty. The real problem here is the rates in which cost of attendance of college has vastly outpaced the way in which compensation has increased for college grads. From 1990 to 2016 the cost of attendance for public and private colleges has gone up 183% and 142% respectively. Meanwhile the average starting salary has raised 3% in that same time. Now I don’t need to bust out my trusty TI-83 to tell you that math doesn’t work.

That was a lot of numbers so how about a classic dead baby joke to lighten the mood. What’s the hardest part about walking through a pile of dead babies? …My erection.

So how do we prevent this bomb from going off? I really don’t know. People say that we should just hit the reset button and forgive existing student loan debt. Like I said, I’m no economist but for some reason waving a magic wand and making 1.5 trillion dollars disappear doesn’t sound like the brightest idea. Maybe we just make Mexico pay for it, that seems to be an idea people enjoy. It’s like asking your neighbor for a cup of sugar, let’s even toss Canada into the mix , they seem like a polite bunch.

One trend I’ve seen, I hesitate to call it a trend because it’s probably just one of those buzzfeed deals where two dumbasses do something and then an article titled “See what wild things guys are doing to their nipples now!” gets published, is intentionally defaulting. To those two or ten dumbasses, knock it off. You knew what you signed up for when you picked a college that required you to take out enough loans to match the GDP of a small island nation. Throwing a temper tantrum and taking your ball and going home just fucks over other people.

I racked my semi functioning brain for a while trying to come up with a real solution and I got nothing. I don’t think a bikini car wash is going to get enough traffic to be a viable option and you can only donate so much sperm before they say “sir this is a money bank, put your pants back on and leave or we’ll call the cops.”

So until The Hunger Games becomes a reality and I get to use those sweet archery and karate lessons I took for a couple years when I was younger to fight for fiscal freedom I’ll keep the straws in my nose in preparation for when the river of shit starts to flood. Also I just signed up for one of those sugar baby websites so I’m just going to whore myself out to some old lady in the meantime.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

‘Twas the Night Before College Football

‘Twas the night before college football, when all through the land no one was on the field, not even the band.

The goal post were raised, by the end zone with care. In the hopes that Lane Kiffin would be there;

The players were nestled all snug in their bed, while visions of Kirby and The Coach danced in their heads;

And Harbagh in his kakis, and Malzan in his vest, had just settled down for a quick pregame rest.

When out on the campus there arose sounds that elate, fans had already gone out to the lot to tailgate.

Away to the stadium I flew like a flash, tore through the banner and fireworks did flash.

The moon was on the breast of fresh cut grass, gave the luster of linebackers ready to whoop some ass.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear, but a running back, he turned the corner and was in the clear.

With short choppy steps, so dynamic and quick, he was moving like someone’s thumb was on the joystick.

More rapid than Bryce Love he charged to the endzone, and he called out the names of coaches ascending the throne.

“Now, Dino! Now, Dabo! Now, Gundy and Kelly! On, Fisher! On, Frost! On, Saban! On, Leach!

To the top of the poll! Now dive on the ball!

Have Phyllis from Mulga go tell PAUL!”

As yellow flags that nosy referees let fly, when met with adversity, the team never says die.

So up to the playoffs their game plans they drew, with a bag full of tricks, Coach Kiffin has two.

And then, in a rumbling, I heard in the stands, the roar of a crowd and clapping of hands.

As they rose to their feet, creating quite a sound, out of the tunnel Coach Kiffin came with a bound.

He was dressed in Adidas from his visor to shoes, and his players well coached at positions they choose.

A call sheet of plays he had gripped in his hand, and he looked like a general ready to command.

His plays — how they wowed! His schemes how cunning!

Play fakes like magic, defense never saw it coming.

His QB was set, in a pocket so clean, surrounded by linemen, so big, strong, so mean.

His headset held tight gripping over his ear, he was focused, the crowd may have not been here.

He had luscious locks and a smile so sly, it’s no wonder recruits see him and say “that’s my guy.”

He was clever and funny, a true modern day coach, sound bites galore when the media approach.

A change of play, a quick scan of the field, the fans need not worry, his offense won’t yield.

He spoke not a word, but simply winked his eye, this subtle note told his QB to let it fly.

And before the snap he already knew, a touchdown scored and they’ll go for two.

He leapt off his feet, to his team gave a cheer, for the owls knew this one would be their year.

But I heard him exclaim, as they celebrated into the night.

“WHERE ARE YOU SABAN, WE’LL GIVE BAMA A FIGHT!”

Football is back baby.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

Back to Schoo…Shit

Late August is officially back to school season. The endless Target adds peddling folders repping whatever cartoons are hot in the streets these days and emotional insurance commercials showing parents dropping their child off to a 4 year bender are inundating our lives. Sitting on the other side of that fence now is a bizarre feeling that I wasn’t quite prepared for.

The nights leading up to graduation back in May while they were the final pages in my collegiate book never really felt like it. There weren’t really any tearful nights reminiscing about how much we’ll miss this place or whatever cliche was supposed to happen. Despite our best efforts too, one of the last nights before the last few of our friend group moved out we held #Cryfest2k18. A beautifully depressing gathering where about 8 guys got together in our living room, turned off the lights and played every sad song we could think of for the occasion. We had some heavy hitters going too. Come Join the Murder, Hallelujah, and the dumb Vitamin C song every group of high school chicks cries too at the end of senior year. After over an hour of this attempt at real emotion no tears were shed, in fact we all thought it was pretty funny because of how ridiculous and over the top it was. So we then decided to go back to our roots, kicked on Sherryl Crow’s all-time banger Soak Up the Sun, cranked that bitch up to 11 and smashed all the glass bottles we had accrued on our mantle from the past two years of drinking. We christened our apartment for the next generation of stories like a ship being sent out to sea for a new voyage.

A seismic shift has now occurred though. For the past 16 years those damn commercials signaled the return to school like the Beacons of Gondor calling upon the Riders of Rohan to come aid in battle. Now that I no longer answer to those beacons I find myself feeling those emotions we were supposed to find in that dark room back in May.

Here’s a tip for everyone out there still in college. When you graduate, don’t stay local. You might think that it wouldn’t be that bad and might actually be kinda sweet especially if you’ll still have some buddies at school to hang with. Let me tell ya, it’s not. I grew up in Syracuse, went to SU, and now work in the area so maybe it’s all compounding with the desire to leave the hometown. Yesterday I was working on a job site just a few blocks from campus and had to drive by my freshman dorm and apartment from junior and senior year to get there. It was one of the most surreal and depressing things I’ve experienced in my life.

Driving by Shaw Hall and seeing the endless line of cars pulling up to move in those blissfully ignorant 18 year old freshman bastards, I was blown away by how that was actually me 4 years ago. I wanted to pull over, shave my beard, and pick a random couple to call Mom and Dad in the hopes that maybe there’d be an empty bed waiting for me in 457 like there was back in 2014.

I’d like to take a moment here for anyone who might be thinking “just let it go you bum.” With all due respect, fuck off. If you’re not finding yourself missing it and wanting just one more victory lap then you definitely didn’t do college right. These days I have a 50 minute commute to an 8-5, 5-figures worth of debt suddenly attached to my name, and a front row seat to a life I once lived like some real life version of A Christmas Carol. There I was boozing on week nights without any regard for tomorrow, had 3 day weekends, and was pretending to be some some knock off Dan Patrick covering Syracuse Football and Basketball for a student radio station. You bet the stick shoved up your ass I would rather keep that train rolling. Let me feel my feelings damnit.

For now though I, like many of you, am stuck toiling away in my cube longing to have one more shot at it. I’ll probably take a few swings for old times sake, I do have some friends who are still in school, but it just won’t be the same. So for now raise a happy hour special domestic draft to the good times and maybe share a few bits of advice to someone younger so that they get the most out of their time.

I’ll start with a little story from early on in my freshman year.

About a month in a my friend Matt from high school who is a year older and went to a smaller college near by asked me to come meet him at DJs. A bar next to Syracuse’s campus which will let you in at 18 but gives you the mark of shame Xs on your hands signaling the bartender to not serve you. Really though you could pass as being 21 if you showed them a library card. This place is the goddamn Wild West where no laws actually apply. At the time I didn’t know how loose DJs interpreted “legal form of identification” so I got Xd up like a mutha fucka. Matt had a shitty fake so he could buy booze, when I met him in DJs he immediately handed me a beer which of course I proceed to drink (whoa look at the hot shot over here drinking beer in a bar). A bouncer sees the beer, sees the Xs on my hands, comes up to me and says “you’re out.”

I’m not a bitch so I toughen up, puff out my chest and defiantly say “okay” and leave. I was in the bar for maybe 5 minutes. Leaving the bar a homeless man walks up to me and gives me some story about how it’s his birthday and he’s just trying to buy a bottle of Jack and asks if I had a couple bucks. Obviously I’m hammered off of my sip of Bud Light but really I just admire the honesty of “hey man I’m just trying to get fucked up.” So I toss him a couple bucks for his troubles. Welp, he then puts his arm around me, tells me I’m a good dude and asks “yo you smoke?” Before I can say anything he pulls out a small bag of crack from his hat and offers it to me for $10. Crack rocks are no more than 6 inches from my face at this point. My eyes get wide because now shit has just gotten very real and say “I gotta go” and book it back to my dorm to go to bed and ponder what the fuck just happened.

So the moral of the story kids, is to make sure you have a good fake and as Nancy Reagan said, just say no.

God I’m gonna miss it.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

I Don’t Follow Baseball and it’s for My Own Sanity

Summer is meant to be the time of year where you take a vacation, go outside, and hit the reset button. We’re taught this from a very young age thanks to summer vacation from school. Sure originally that became a thing so the kids could go help out on pappy’s farm but it’s still time away from the daily grind of that fancy book learning.

I have to take this same approach to my life as a sports fan or else I’d end up an absolute mess. Growing up I was always a die hard football guy, I thank my lucky stars everyday I was raised a Patriots fan by my former Masshole Dad and his side of the family (the wave of hatred emitted by people reading that feels glorious and feeds me like the sun’s rays feeds plants). I also have lived in Syracuse my whole life and really one of the few things this city has going for it is that we have D-1 sports programs to cheer for. Football was hot garbage for pretty much my whole time as a conscious sports fan we’ll say around 2000. Coach Marone’s tenure was pretty cool before he bolted to Buffalo and gutted the coaching staff. Thing looks like their going in the right direction too with Dino Babers running the show but the team still manages to put out some real stinkers each season. Growing up tho my family had seasons tickets to a program that consistently found itself ranked as one of the 10 worst teams in the country and at one point the idea of folding the program was at least theorized. Oh we’re playing Akron at home this year, sweet we might actually see a win this time! The mental Jekal and Hyde that was Saturday to Sunday would’ve ripped a lesser man to shreds.

Then there was the introduction to fantasy football. Now that’s like football heroine. You’re in high school, you and your buddies decide to hop in on one of those random leagues on ESPN. Next thing you know you’re in 4 different money league, you’re at work tweaking your roster for 6 hours a day and offering handies in exchange for a starting running back. It’s an ugly downward spiral many of us embark on with no signs of looking back.

Another thing that Syracuse is well known for is having winters that on average would be thought of as The Day After Tomorrow becoming a reality in most other regions of the world. I went to school at SU and I was asked by non-locals turned students why seemingly everyone in the city owns Syracuse Basketball apparel even though they didn’t go to school there. I’d reply “well you’ve been here for the winter, if we didn’t all have something to band together over and distract us for those 6 months (it starts snowing in November and doesn’t end till May) then the suicide rate would probably skyrocket and we’d devolve into tribal hordes looking to stockpile resources.” So to say that College Basketball has me by the balls is an understatement. While the real Big East was still a thing it was basically an unwritten law that all the daytime tournament games would be shown during school.

For a long time my level of following the NBA was beginner at best but in recent years that’s been ramped up, thanks in part to it being on in my college dorm/apartment pretty much every night Syracuse wasn’t playing. Also I figured fuck it, I like watching it and already follow these guys like crazy while they’re in college so let’s just keep it rolling.

So let’s do some quick accounting. The NFL season runs from September through early February hitting Monday-Thursday-Sunday and the occasional Saturday but really it’s a Monday-Sunday commitment. Then we got the pre draft buzz, free agency, and preseason making the NFL nearly year round. College Football starts a week earlier and goes till mid January dominating Saturdays and the occasional dosage of Wednesday night MACtion and Friday nights because Syracuse is enough of a brand name that they get TV time but not good enough to get national spots on Saturdays. College Basketball starts in November and brushes up against early April and is also almost a nightly event. Toss in the NBA ending in June and my schedules booked up for the entire year outside of June-early August.

I actually enjoy watching baseball from time to time. Watching two aces go to work in prime time is wildly entertaining and going to see the Syracuse Chiefs play on dollar hotdog Thursday is a summer time staple in the CNY area. The playoffs are absolutely electric, I won’t deny that one bit. But 164 games plus at least one tier of minor leagues I have to be mindful of is just too much for my brain and my heart during the time of year where I’m supposed to unplug. Call my a pussy or whatever for it but I take my summer seriously when it comes to relaxing and that includes weening myself off of being a sports junkie. It just makes relapsing to the sound of the first crack of two helmets colliding in real football not fauxball (wait a minute…goddamnit Rodger) that much more satisfying.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

I’ve Found My Mortal Enemy

So I’m a firm believer in the notion that your surroundings are a strong indication of how you’re doing in life. There’s a reason why if you grow up with dreams of making it big you picture the bright lights, big city and hill top mansions.

My current terms of employment have me working in a one traffic light town with one bar and the great tragedy of recent memory was that the McDonalds went out of business, how’s that’s even possible I don’t know. I’m a broke ass 20something just looking to find some ground to stand on in this apocalyptic wasteland known as post-grad life. If you offer me a salary and health insurance I’m in regardless of location. This type of environment is something that I’m used to anyway. I spent last summer working in a rust belt town in the middle of bumfuck Pennsylvania where the event of the year was that a Motley Crüe cover band was playing at the railroaders memorial museum. You could say I’m the poor man’s John Taffer of towns that have been passed by in the forward march of development. Bring me in, I shout “shut it down,” but then I don’t really manage to make much of an impact. Then it’s off to the next one! I lied, there’s actually 2 traffic lights.

Let me paint you a picture of my commute as I come into work. I exit the highway and turn onto the road my office is on. At the turn there’s a plywood sign that just says “eggs” with an arrow pointing in the only direction you can continue. It’s written in red spray paint so while the arrow doesn’t really add any vital information to those driving by, it does clarify that this isn’t some poorly planned PETA sign trying to convince me that eggs are murder. The road is dotted with small houses separated by almost a mile a piece and a barn where I assume those murderous eggs are hiding. There’s something else dotting the road too. Actual horse shit. It’s just smeared across the asphalt in streaks resembling what it looks like if you take a brown crayon and lightly brush it against a piece of paper.

This is because of him, my nemesis. The Amish guy who I pass by at least once a day in his horse drawn buggy. Now Jedidiah and myself have never actually interacted outside of our passing glances along the turd paved road, almost like a rip in space and time has opened up and what once was is now staring back at what now is. The reason why he’s my nemesis ties back into the whole where you are says a lot about where you’re at. The Amish are supposed to be societies canary in the coal mine except instead of a methane leak it’s an indication of modern amenities.

There’s a reason you never see a horse and buggy rolling down Sunset Boulevard or Broadway unless it’s some over the top cheesy romcom. It’s because the 21st century has moved in and said get the fuck out of my way. We as a people stopped shitting in outhouses and now bathe using hot water because 1. Ew and 2. it’s waaaaaay better this way.

The great poet Niki Minaj once said “put this pussy on your sideburns”, but that doesn’t really apply here. She also said “my haters are my motivators.” I don’t know if he hates me the way I hate him but he’s still one of my biggest motivators so I guess I should thank him for that.

This actually isn’t the first time I’ve tangoed with Amish folk. Back when I was a young lad, probably around 12 years old, my dad brought me to a trade show he was working. The primary theme of the show was farm equipment and a handful of related markets. At the show there were a few businesses run by Amish people, I don’t know what they were but I assume they had something to do with hand churned butter or a home defense system to protect you from the Apaches. A family dawning the traditional monotone and button laden garb walked past our booth and my dads’ friend Aaron said to me “I bet you $20 you can’t get an Amish girls phone number.” It took me a few seconds but then I had the come to Jesus moment and replied in a half questioning tone “they don’t have phones.” Aaron laughed and turned to my dad to say “you got a sharp kid over here Mike.” Yeah, sharp as a butter knife.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired

How to Use the Helmet Rule to Win Your Fantasy League

So if there’s one thing we’ve learned from these first two weeks of the NFL preseason it’s that Rodger Goodell and the owners aren’t fans of defense. I understand the need to protect players from turning each other’s brains into mashed potatoes but when what were previously seen as clean but hard tackles are now a 15 yard penalty and automatic first down we’re all in for a rough season.

Just take a look at any of the games this preseason and I’m sure you’ll be able to find clips of solid hit, followed by a flag, followed by the announcer declaring this the “worst call I’ve ever seen” and that “they’re officiating defense out of football.” Not to mention this new “Rodgers Rule” where defensive players can’t land with all their weight on QBs because an NFL QBs shoulder maybe actually be the most valuable piece of human flesh outside of Kim K’s “totally not fake” pooper. Shout out Antwione Walker and the Vikings for starting that siege of outcry.

Now I do agree with the notion that the metaphorical sliders are turned up on these hits during the preseason as a way to over emphasize teaching these new rules. However even if these calls are turned back to 50% of what they are now it’s still going to be brutal to watch and the wallets of safeties across the NFL are going to get significantly lighter with the inevitable fines they’ll be receiving. Out of all the positions in football, the job of an NFL safety is probably effected the most, a vast majority of the plays they make come with the offensive players running directly at them, full speed, and now it seems like they’re being forced to resort to ankle biting.

Well as the saying goes, when life give you lemons make lemonade, and I have a strong feeling that this upcoming season in the NFL is going to be a big ol’ lemon. The lemonade is how you can use this stinker of a rule to win some cash and bragging rights from your buddies.

The notion is actually pretty simple, big home run hits are seemingly no longer allowed, or at the very least they’re much more difficult to pull off, so who are the guys that almost always require a big home run hit to take down?

I’m not going to run through my revised big board like I’m the next Mathew Berry but my suggestion is that you keep this notion in mind. Guys who defenders know they have to bring the lumber to in order to have a chance at stopping them are going to have more value to their offenses because of their newfound ability to draw these B.S. penalties. Take a guy like Gronk for example, now I know that he’s already the go to for Tom Brady in most situations but if you go back and look at the film, how often is it that you see a defender turn themselves into a human missile just to try and break up a pass going Gronk’s way? Pretty much all the time because that’s the only way you can slow down that hairless Sasquatch once he gets moving down the field. So now if I’m Brady there’s even more incentive to toss one towards 87 because either he’s coming down with it or we’re getting 15 yards and a first down.

Overall this shouldn’t shake up the top of your draft strategy too much but once you start to fill out the meat of your roster maybe lean towards players who are known for their physicality rather than their quickness. Joe Flacco has made a career out of tossing up PI balls and now offenses are going to be able to keep drives alive through hospital balls. If I was an OC I’m getting the ball in the hands of my biggest guys as often as I can and daring the defense to try to take them down with an arm tackle. Tight Ends and thiccc Running Backs are about to have a big year because they just became that much more of a problem for defenses.

Holla at ya boy

Twitter: @LlFired